Dear Ed,

You have been my best friend and worst enemy for a very long time now. These last few months I’ve believe you to be my friend. After all, I am losing this weight that needs to go. My body is smaller and more toned. I also have this high that is so addictive… restriction and exercise. There isn’t much like it. That part has been wonderful. It’s so good that I’ve been able to ignore the negatives you’ve caused.

While you have masqueraded as my best friend, the effects on my life and the lives of others around me have been great. I was able to ignore them for a very long time, but I can’t anymore.

I told myself that my slipping grades weren’t that bad. I told myself that I was invincible and could never end up with health problems from restriction. I told myself none of this could hurt my future. I told myself skinny meant the world to me. I told myself this was the only way to gain control over my life. I told myself this was my ticket to better self-worth. I told myself this was all coming from me when it’s really you.

Now I sit here in IOP, just as I will 3 days a week for the next month or so. I side with you that I shouldn’t be here, but my treatment team says otherwise. I have to sit for the whole interim period when I should be enjoying fluorescence. I will eat, sleep, go to treatment, eat a shit ton more, and exist while doing nothing productive at all. The worst part is that I’m actually on medical leave, meaning I couldn’t get out of this if I tried. Even today, Rebecca warned me that at this point I may not be able to do next semester unless I get some motivation to work hard against you.

I’m angry it has come to this. I hate needing treatment and wasting all of this money. You are to blame. I can’t take all of that out on you even though you’ve acted as such a terrible friend, though.

I absolutely cannot miss out on next semester. I don’t have any more time before nursing school (if I even get in…). These classes are all required for graduation. I also have to get decent grades at the very least. If I can’t, I may as well give up all hope for the future. Most of me realizes I can’t continue exactly as I have been. This amount of restriction is a little too much to be able to achieve the grades I need: A’s and B’s at least. At the same time, I’m not sure if recovery is good either. I cannot be fat again like before. My weight and eating are the only things I do have control over.

With full restriction and full recovery both out, I desire to find a happy medium. You are 110% certain it can happen. I would stay at a preferred healthy weight where my medical status, comprehension, emotions, and living status are all just fine. I want to believe you, because who knows if R, L, and Dr C. are actually right (along with family and friends)? I don’t want to trust them without trying a plan I am more comfortable with.

I pray things will work out. I don’t want these things you tell me to turn out as lies, but maybe they are too good to be true… I will put my trust in you, or at least try. I need you to be my best friend I can lean on this semester while still doing well in my classes. If not, I will be done with you and work towards a future that you will not have a part in. Please just show your true colors because this is so very confusing.

Emily

*taken exactly from my journal activity we did in IOP