11 whole days into 2017 before I finally was able to finish this post. I blame perfectionism and huge lack of motivation, but now I have the itch to blog again 🙂
2016 was a time of… change (so, so, so much change), joy, growth, isolation, discovery, friendship, grief, loss, struggle, faithfulness. I kept on living through it all.
- doing very well in my spring semester
- attending my new church and growing close to everyone there
- Ludington – the healthiest year in a very long time
- a summer where I was eating well with tons of energy
- work to keep me busy
- finishing my Fall semester despite how much Ed tried to take it away
- learning a ton about myself
- practicing assertiveness to put my needs first
- experiencing many days where the eating disorder was barely there at all
- hugs, prayers, good conversations, and lots of love
- slowly beginning to accept the changes in my life
What I hope to leave behind
- Toxic relationships. There are many situations to which this applies, not only the people I must separate myself from. These are people I was close to, but it was not healthy for me at all. Carrying their burdens and triggering conversations hurt my recovery and added anxiety. I know that was a two-way street. I hope they also realize why this needed to happen. Deleting and blocking negative influences online has been just as difficult. I follow numerous accounts who are “recovering” or pro-ana, etc. The sickness in me looks at them as comparisons and inspiration. I get invested in their lives. This exists on multiple platforms: instagram, Facebook, blogs, Youtube. I am combing through them little by little. I feel connected to these people and the triggering information. Ed doesn’t want me to give them up, which is exactly why I need to. I have to detach from these negative influences in my life before they bring me down further.
- Isolation. I can count on one hand the number of times I did anything with anyone last semester. Outside of class, appointments, or leaving campus, I rarely left my room. I would stay there from midafternoon on, adventuring out only to get ice or make a smoothie. It is a sad existence to be alone all of the time. I’m hoping to make small strides towards new friendships and experiences.
- “Just scraping by.” Well, here’s something that applies to many (and most, as of late) areas of my life. I put just enough effort into my classes this year to get the grades I absolutely needed. I’m honestly surprised I didn’t screw that up more. I barely fought Ed enough to finish out the semester/year without being in residential or IP. This fall at work proved I am not myself on restriction
- My focus revolving around the ED. I would say around 90% or more of my thoughts this last year (mainly the end of it) were on food, weight, calories, exercise, my body shape and size, weight, restriction, looking up all sorts of ED things on the web (tips, health complications, weight loss calculators, etc). I’ve been in a place where Ed consumes almost every waking moment. This left no room for anything else, good or bad. If I want to accomplish any of my dreams or simply live a better life this needs to change.
Hopes for the new year
- Really get something out of IOP, even if (but hopefully not) that means a referral to a higher form of treatment
- Grow closer to my mom again by letting her in
- Start nursing classes in the fall while being in a healthy place to do so
- Find meaningful friendships at Calvin
- Self-discovery. Who am I really without my eating disorder? Who do I want to become?
- Have activities that bring me joy: photography, reading, exploring, spending time in nature, going to the movies, trying new things, and of course blogging 🙂
- Turn to positive ways of coping when I need them
- Making this year different in a good way
- Prove to myself that I am resilient, strong, worthy, lovable, and capable of pursuing recovery fully
I really enjoyed making this list as an inspiration for myself. A new year is always a time to start over and make changes. I don’t want to call these resolutions, but they are certainly what I hope to work towards.
I wish everyone a happy new year and pray that you also can find positive change in 2017!