Where I’m at / where I’ve been

It feels like ages since I’ve updated here, really “just” 3 weeks, and it has been (at least by my standards). Technically I last posted 3 weeks ago, but I also have drafted at least 4 posts since then. I am a serial drafter, I believe. I only have 36 currently. My ideas for topics are never-ending, so I start one post only to succumb to perfectionism and quit early. Anyways, I don’t have a great reason as to why I haven’t pulled the trigger and published something. Most likely, it’s a combination of writer’s block, feeling overwhelmed, and low motivation.

The past three weeks have been ROUGH treatment-wise. I feel for the staff at IOP, because I have been stubborn as hell and somewhat defiant. I feel pretty bad looking back at some of the conversations I’ve had. There are multiple factors behind this, which I will explain in a post soonish. A quick rundown: fear , being stuck between full recovery and Ed, lack of motivation, depression, and plain not wanting to give up my eating disorder. I am doing somewhat better now. I am trying to trust this process and not my disordered thoughts. Easier said that done, but I think/hope it will happen.

Last week was my first back at school. I am taking psychopathology, american literature, world history, and spanish. I am most excited about psychopathology. Lit seems like a great class too, especially with a friend (and fellow nursing student!) and wacky/amazing prof. My psych prof is also wonderful. I actually don’t mind the history class content-wise and the lectures and are relatively interesting. Spanish is with my same professor (thankfully). Overall, it isn’t crazy yet. I am beginning to feel more stress and worry over how things escalate the next few weeks. Hopefully I can keep my sanity, but time shall tell.

Because of school, I’m obviously not able to do IOP 3 times a week. My schedule wasn’t exactly made with that in mind, so getting there is kinda tricky. On Monday’s, my last class ends at 2:20. I am able to get there within 20 minutes and get to attend half of process, snack, and art therapy. I stay until 5 and head back, usually stopping at Meijer first. Tuesday’s I have class until 1:20. I again leave right after and arrive at 1:40ish. This is halfway through the first group (typically this is experiential). We have another group following which is activity therapy of some sort, sometimes an outing. Process group is after snack and we’re done at 5:30. Thursday’s I only have 2 classes, psych in the morning and spanish 12:30-1:20. The issue with my schedule is that I wouldn’t be able to attend the full day of IOP at all, unless I skip spanish. After advocating for myself I got approval to do so. After last week, I am appreciative of my professor’s support of my treatment. I need this, at least for now. I am not ready to step down entirely yet, and now I don’t have to.

Going from complete boredom and feeling stagnant for over a month to a hectic schedule is stressful, to say the least. I haven’t gotten a hang of this yet. I’m hoping to move and grow through this period of change, not become overwhelmed by it.

There is much more to be said about my thoughts now and even more so my time in IOP. I promise that will come soon!



2 thoughts on “Where I’m at / where I’ve been

  1. Defiance is a good thing if you think about it. It means you are being honest in your recovery. You are being real with what you think and how you feel. If you simply “went along with them” chances are you’d be right back at it as soon as iOP ended. I know, I’ve been there many times. No doubt I’ll be defiant as hell when I get to the program I’m heading to. Maybe I’ll “do” what they say but I’ll definitely express me feelings toward the matter. If I don’t show that fight within me, how will I ever learn to battle it when I’m on my own.

    I was told that physical restoration happens long before thought restoration and body image. I don’t know if I’ll ever accept my body but if I can get to the point of appreciating that it’s still carrying on despite all I put it through, then I will consider that a success. I currently don’t have the strength, or desire, to fight the demands of my eating disorder but that is what treatment is I suppose… stopping the behavior long enough for my rational voice to strengthen.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You make a really great point I hadn’t thought of much before. I am typically honest when it comes to my treatment team, as I don’t see the point of being there if I just play games.
      I hope that you can find the strength to fight this, even if at first you’re only fighting treatment. I so wish that the thoughts would stop once we resume healthier eating patterns. It might actually be to our benefit that recovery isn’t an easy thing because it promotes growth and change. Take hold of the challenge and triumph that is to come as you enter treatment ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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