I am not at all ready for this.

Ever since the semester began, my schedule has been crazy between treatment and school. I attend half of IOP Mondays and Tuesdays, then the full day on Thursday, which requires skipping my Spanish class. The whole situation worked great (in my opinion). My Spanish professor is understanding and was willing to rid me of a limit for how many weeks I could do IOP. I am so very thankful for this and the fact that I can get the help I need. Everything was fine until today.

Backing up a bit, I met with Dr. C on Friday. She believes in and gives me more credit for the progress I’ve made. I definitely don’t see it, but I suppose my opinion doesn’t really matter (as you will see…). She somewhat alluded to the fact that I need to cut back on treatment. She was not at all clear on how/when this needed to happen, nor did she explain why it was imperative. 

Fast-forward to today, when I met with L and R during IOP. I went in very anxious, as per usual. I didn’t follow through with my goals fully (also typical) and I wasn’t sure what to expect. I figured we would discuss stepping down. A few weeks before we made a tentative plan: begin by eliminating Monday’s (half of process group, art) while keeping Tuesday’s (experiential and process) and the full day IOP on Thursday’s. Within the next few weeks I would slowly wean off IOP and groups. I fully expected this to take about a month which I was fine with. Obviously, I can’t be doing this much treatment forever; however, I in no way felt ready to drop off much support now. I wanted and needed gradual change, because Lord knows I am terrible with change. Key point here: I imagined I would be told to cut Mondays out starting next week and to see where things go from there. Of course I was wrong. Of freaking course.

The joint meeting began with L doing most of the talking. She wanted to know how my eating and exercise were. I had done somewhat better than in weeks past, but I felt so stuck. We’ve discussed this at length before. I am honestly in much the same place as I was a month ago, and many similarities to around 8 weeks ago. I haven’t been able to push myself into the leap towards full recovery, not this is half-in, half-out predicament. I can’t imagine being here forever, yet the reluctance caused by thoughts is overwhelming.

R dropped some shocking news once most of the dietary side was covered: “Dr. C and the treatment team are having you step down to just Monday and Tuesday. Today will be your last day of IOP.” I’m honestly surprised I didn’t burst into tears on the spot. I don’t feel ready. I hate that this was shared with me at the last possible second. I wish I had a say in things. I want this at my own pace. Most of all, how could Dr. C take this upon herself and essentially get me “kicked out” of IOP?

I am angry at her. She could have told me something, anything, when I saw her Friday. I may not have been fine with it but at least I would have had more time to process. The main reason I need to stop is because of the accommodations needed. She believes it will look bad for nursing school, even though my advisor is aware. I find it ironic that she put me on medical leave for treatment but now has taken me out of it when I still benefit greatly from extra support. I just don’t get it, not at all. 

There aren’t very valid reasons for this overhaul of my current schedule/life. I can barely handle meals at school and I’ve consistently eaten below my meal plan. Overall, IOP is still helping me at this point. I am forced to miss IOP for at least the coming week. I have a feeling it won’t end well and we will again be sitting, going over how stuck I am. All I can do now is wait.

P.S. I completely appreciate all comments you all may have; however, due to how I’m feeling now I would like to address something that isn’t going to be helpful. In general I wouldn’t like to hear many “it will be fine, a blessing in disguise, etc.” I’ve cried more in the past not even 12 hours than I have in months. I couldn’t believe this type of comment if I tried. Right now I am wallowing and trying to sort this all out. Thank you for being understanding ❤

One thought on “I am not at all ready for this.

  1. Oh my god, the last thing I’d say is a “blessing in disguise”! I SO know how you felt!! I am being discharged this coming Wednesday and I don’t feel ready AT ALL. I am hoping they will be able to get ahold of that step down iOP. If not I’m going from a 10 hr a day program to nothing….. guess what I’m feeling? FEAR

    So yeah…. I probably lost 5 lbs just from tears over the last 2 weeks!

    Like

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