• The words “we may need to think about higher treatment if..”
• Crying during or after more meals than not.
• Hating the person in the mirror. She is too much, too large, yet not enough in every other way.
• Doubting my treatment team all over again.
• Temptations leading to urges leading to actions leading to guilt.
• More and more of each day being consumed with ED thoughts.
• Not even having to think before using behaviors; being somewhat scared over how automatic it’s become.
• Every dietary suggestion feeling impossible.
• Excuses, excuses, excuses.
• Avoiding church when I once attended 1-3 times a week.
• The immense pain a forced smile or “I’m good” can bring.
• Basic self-care as an afterthought, if at all.
• Near absent motivation for school, to the point of some failing grades and flat out skipping assignments, classes, etc.
• From “stuck” between ED and recovery to dipping another toe into the ED world.
• Isolating – coming out of my room for treatment, classes, and not much else.
• Another semester of missing out on all things that scream “normal college experience.”
• Cutting corners in all aspects of life because there’s no energy to do otherwise.
• Not remembering the last time I talked to a [school] friend outside of class.
• The numbers obsession multiplying every moment.
• Seeing “that face” on the ones who hear the truth.
• Ever-consuming numbness.
• Giving in to cognitive distortions and irrational thought.
• “In my head” most of the time.
• So many wasted hours – spent on nothing of substance whatsoever.
• Guilt for how I’m really doing then lying/hiding it from others.
• Emotional, physical, mental exhaustion that nothing will fix.
• Spiraling out of control faster than I realize.

Nearing the end of my time at IOP, I began slipping back into the ED some. I never truly 100% completed my meal plan, not ever since before I even started treatment. I was doing much better and then shit happened. I’ve been overwhelmed by ED thoughts, anxiety, and depression which has led to more behaviors than I even anticipated. This is going to be a reminder, the reasons that full-blown relapse will not serve me. I can still come out of this. I need to.

Well, it’s been over a month. Plenty has happened, and a myriad of things have kept me from blogging (school, finishing up IOP, stress of all lovely sorts, depression/anxiety, and not much energy or motivation for anything. I’ve hated the break but it was probably necessary. I hope to be back now. I won’t promise any schedule, but I have over 30 drafts sooo there shouldn’t be a lack of topics to write on.