It has been forever and a half since I’ve done one of these, and I really like being able to give a little update on life, things going on, etc.

Thoughts

• I LOVE YOGA. It is the one time where i can fully let go of thoughts, relax, strengthen my body (especially my crappy EDS joints!), and overall increase my mood. I often don’t have time until night, but whenever I can do it earlier the rest of my day is just a little more positive. I am going to work hard to stay healthy and still be able to practice.
• I am lucky to have some really great support people. Of course, there is my person. She has been there for years and I cannot say enough about how much she matters to me. I love everything about our relationship, and also that she is helping me stay accountable. I need that now. I also have some very sweet girls I met through treatment. They are truly wonderful and we are always there for each other.
• Will I ever actually be free? This thought has crept in as I continue down the path of being halfway into recovery and towards a major relapse. I learned recently that the average length of treatment before full recovery is 8 yrs. I don’t really know quite how accurate that is, but if it is true that would mean I could still have 4 yrs left. I don’t want that for myself. To be honest, it makes me question whether recovery is really worth that. Oh pessimism is fun.
• This semester has been pretty terrible. I have struggled more than ever and I’m exhausted. This whole relapse/heading backwards has made even getting up to class exhausting. I have racing thoughts about finishing up classes, wonder if I’m really just a failure, etc. Most of all, I am now very concerned with what happens after school. Will I be able to hold up this “I’m fine” act when I’m there 24/7? How terrible would it be if my parents find out? Will it be a bad environment? So many questions with not many answers.

Feelings

• Frustrated. Everything has been hard. I have butted heads with my entire treatment team. They try to convince me I need to change xyz and I (or Ed) counter that it isn’t necessary and I am fine. I’ve gone against what they suggest and it is basically one huge mess. Part of me wants to change that, but for the most part it just continues on. Also, there are many stressors at home, which I get pulled into at times. That stinks because half the time I am not even there to experience it first-hand or it isn’t in my control.
• Overwhelmed by: school, family stress, more school, amount of food I need to eat, ED thoughts and urges, amount of pressure on me to do “what I need to do,” summer ahead, uncertainty over the need for treatment, scheduling, working, keeping up with everything, and more that I cannot think of at the moment.
• Fearful. The last month has brought some heavy sessions with realizations. There is something wrong here. I’ve had clarity when it becomes easier to use restrictive behaviors than it is to just eat the food (for example hiding/throwing out food all of the time, skipping meals when no one is watching). My exercise sometimes feels a little out of my control. The fact that I don’t feel all that able to stop is also concerning. Most of the time I coud care less, but those moments I actually find myself agreeing with my team (just a little, though).
• Stressed. School is the main/huge one. I have an uphill battle for the next 2.5 weeks again, but then it is finally over. I cannot wait for that sigh of relief. That will not be the end of my stress, however. My treatment team is adding pressure as they see me slipping (R actually used deteriorating today in session). That’s hard to deal with. I feel if I don’t do what I am supposed to I’ll just be strongly encouraged to seek higher care. It is constantly in the back of my mind.
• Distrustful/skeptical. I like my team, I really do. I actually just saw the new dietitian today (treatment update in a post soon) and she seems like a great fit. A no-BSer which I probably maybe need. No matter how much I like them, it isn’t going to change the level of skepticism, distrust, and disbelief I have. They tell me I am worse than I believe, that the “goal weight” I have is unhealthy, that I’ve lost weight. I cannot process any of it as truth. It has led to some back and forth about the issues.
• Excited. Nursing classes are getting closer every second (127 days!) and I could not be more excited. I’ve waited forever to finally begin the classes that I’m passionate about. My shots are up to date, uniform and equipment ordered, drug test completed, and I basically just have some paperwork left to do. This is the one thing that motivates me the most because I won’t give up this dream. I am going to be a kick-ass nurse.

Happenings

• My 27th EKG of the past 3 years (slight exaggeration, ha!) was this past Wednesday. In theory it really shouldn’t be abnormal. We shall see. A new medication has resulted in my resting HR going from 80-100 avg down to 55-70. This is way out of my personal norm. I probably was in need for one anyways. Positive note: it’s hilarious talking to other ED friends about how normal it is for us to get EKGs, blood draws, etc. My brother, on the other hand, has had 1 or maybe 2 blood draws ever. #edproblems
• Lovely meal plan changes. My meal plan has been the same since I started IOP in December. I also was following CFD’s exchange rules from that point onward. Not anymore. R decided to switch me to the FV exchange/meal planning style (which I HATE with a passion) since she is concerned with me getting enough of certain exchanges per meal. Also, it was increased which only has made the transition harder. She decreased it at our final appt last week (thank God because I no longer feel like such a failure) but also made some rules that I’m not happy about. K, my new dietitian, modified the rules a bit more today. I don’t like change so it would be great if that doesn’t happen again anytime soon, okay? Gah
• IOP->groups. This actually happened a few months ago during my break from blogging. I did full IOP from December through the end of January, then attended all groups plus one full day of IOP for the next month, and slowly tapered a bit more to get to where I am now: process groups Tues/Thurs, therapy usually on Monday morning, and now my dietitian appts should be right after therapy. It still is quite a bit, just no meal or snack support. I am very thankful I have the time there still. Unfortunately, I don’t think they will just move me up to IOP once schools done, if higher treatment is deemed necessary.
• Mocking (aka hammocking). It is one of my favorite pastimes ever, and it’s really nice that I finally can go outside. There’s something special about being in nature and a really comfy position. I actually had my smaller hammock set up to sleep in for around a month, and I plan on doing the same this summer. It’s good for the soul (and my painful joints) 🙂

Ramblings

• Two words: diet culture. At this point, I am pretty desensitized to the whole deal, and most of the time ignore it. There are moments I fall into the ideals, but I’m more so plain disgusted by it all. I also worry for others who constantly see this as truth. Imagine all of the kids who are going to grow up believing that they need to alter their appearance, that any fat is too much, with restriction or some magic pill being the only way to happiness. I just want to scoop them all up and tell them how little their appearance or weight actually matters. I also want to slap any people responsible and tell them what obsession with weight loss, etc can do. A rant will be coming your way soon; I’ll link it here when I’m done fuming and can actually collect my thoughts. Preview: it’s a disgusting book I found at Meijer, sitting right near some things for kids.
• R leaving. The first thing Dr. C said when I told her R would be leaving was “Well you must scare off all your dietitians.” Okay, she has a point. My first school dietitian left while I was in treatment, then failed to notify CFD which means I went with none for a good month and a half. Next L left while I was doing IOP (so I didn’t get to say goodbye either 😦 ). And now R is done and I only had her as mine for maybe 2 months. What a wonderful journey as someone who hates change AND has already had an entire switch in treatment teams the past 5 months. At least K doesn’t plan on leaving anytime soon?
• Rock climbing. So I thought I was cool about not being able to do one of my most favorite activities in my time at Calvin. I mean I have yoga, which I love just as much. Yeah, that changed when I saw all the climbers as I was heading into my appt with Dr C. I asked her once again and cried a little in the bathroom after she gave a firm “no.” I suppose there’s next year?

And that’s all for now! Getting back into blogging more has been wonderful so far 🙂