It’s been forever and a half, so here’s a current TFHR!

Thoughts

• I love blogging. I missed blogging. It has been beyond amazing to be back here again. This is a huge coping skill for mirror. Not much beats opening up a blank post and watching it come to life, especially when I can either tell my story or spread awareness.
• I can acknowledge my progress, finally. It has been difficult in the past to do so, but my self-talk and perception of events is so much better give
• I am so dang lucky to live in West Michigan. I cannot get enough of the beach, state park, sunsets, etc. It seriously is one of the most beautiful places.
• I need to get back on track ASAP before it ends up like last fall or spring. I can’t afford that and I really don’t want it for myself regardless.
• I am noticing some of the same old distorted thinking come back again. I’m glad I can recognize it, but now the hafrd part will be challenging the thoughts as they come.

Feelings

• Everything.  I just feel like this overwhelmed, confused ball of emotions. I have found it hard to even connect this to anything or recognize where it’s all coming from,.
• Nostalgic. I just miss treatment so damn much. I keep thinking of all the memories I have. A lot of me wants to go back there, or at least bring back the girls and support.
• Down (Depressed?). I should be used to this by now, but every time I go from normalish to not is still a shock. I’m hoping it can be temporary.
• Connection. I am not that surprised with the amount of empathy and compassion I feel towards the patients. I know plenty of what they’re feeling. I had one tell me how crazy they felt up until they were in treatment. I feared that as well. I had another talking about how hard it is going outside only once a day. I completely get that. It feels claustrophobic to be stuck inside a cold hospital all day. Even if it is difficult being back at the hospital, I know my experience there has helped shape me into a better nurse for my patients.
• Proud (of myself). I already am seeing a huge difference each day I work with patients. Today, I was cool and collected. I shook off the nerves and communicated really well. I feared the therapeutic communication portion of nursing at first. It hasn’t come easily, but I am so proud of myself that I’m growing in that area.

Happenings

• Work is weird. I don’t know what exactly I expected when coming back to work, but I didn’t think things would have changed the way they have. I am not a crew leader, there are a ton of new people, and I just feel weird. I guess it’s hard to pinpoint? Being back to retreat season is definitely different than before. We have full crew turns that mirror summer and even more new people. I feel like I barely even know what work will bring anymore.
• Rewatching Grey’s Anatomy. I feel super accomplished because I finished the entirety of Grey’s last week. I only started at the end of July and was at work/IOP plenty of that time period.
• EDS pain. Unfortunately, work means working my joints in ways they haven’t been for months. I feel exhausted each time. I can always count on pain, namely from my right shoulder and elbow, and more recently left knee. I have to find a balance and take care of myself. Ehlers-Danlos is not a joke.
• Tons of groups/appointments. I feel like I am constantly talking about my emotions, triggers, mealplan, etc. I kind of am, truthfully. Mondays and Thursdays both include multiple forms of treatment. It almost feels like I am living between these appointments, at least when I’m not doing well. I am trying not to let that happen this time around.
• Shared MY story for an assignment in my nursing class. I still can’t believe this happened. I didn’t even use pseudonyms like I planned. Granted, literally anyone who has me on Facebook or Insta could easily find out about my eating disorder. I don’t try to hide it really. I want for it to be something others connect to, learn from, and understand eating disorder more because of it.
• Seeing all the people at FV. Today I counted at least 5 people I knew. Some were from ED, like the amazing dietitian, and others just randomly from my inpatient stay. I wanted nothing more than to say hi and thank them, especially my old dietitian. I didn’t do these things but I hope to find an opportunity to say hello soon.
• First test(s). Yesterday I had my first exam in our theory class and Friday will be one in the strategies class. I’m not feeling the most confident about them and my stress level is pretty high. I know it’s only the first test, but I’m so worried about the future. What if I actually cannot do this?
• Validation. I know someone who is a charge nurse at the other psych hospital my professor works at. She messaged me on Saturday night asking about who my instructor is. It turns out she was sitting right next to her at work! She told my prof that she knew me, and she had some good feedback. My prof was impressed by how I handled last week, since I had little time to catch my patient before discharge. She also said my nursing process was great. I wasn’t feeling the most confident about these things, so hearing about it was uplifting. My hard work is paying off.

Ramblings

• The conversations at IOP/treatment peeps in general are amazing, stimulating, and have nothing to do with ED. It’s wonderful. I especially love how feminism/some politics come up in the weirdest way. Those things are important given the state of our country and all.
• honestly part of me cannot believe that Dr. VanDouchebag is still around and in charge of kids/ED at FV. A story I heard of his actions today angered me a little bit. It sounds very similar to things he would say about or to ED patients in the past. I know he’s the doctor and everything, but condescending isn’t the answer to helping patients.
• Gah I want to speak up about my time at FV. I talked a bit about this, but I can’t wrap my head around it. I almost feel like it would be proving how sick I was before. This isn’t healthy. What would be a reasonable and healthy way to share this with my prof? Probably not at all.
• I don’t have many words about Las Vegas, just prayers. One thing I want to mention is how sick I am of political things coming out when we should be supporting during a tragedy. I don’t feel like now is the right time to debate topics. I do share some of the same views as those who are (in a way) turning it into a debate. There is a time and place for that, but it isn’t in the wake of one of the worst loss of human life I’ve experienced in my lifetime.

And that’s all for now! I haven’t decided how often I would like do these. Maybe it’ll be sporadic instead of scheduled, but I’m not sure yet. I do like how it gives a nice overview of life currently.