TFHR – 1/16/18

Yay its the return of one of my favorite types of posts! It’s hard writing about every detail of my life here, unless you want to read a novel. I like my format because it gives insight on how I’m doing, what I’m struggling with currently, things that may affect me, and the good stuff, too!

Thoughts

  • Lots and lots of thoughts regarding if I am “bad enough” to be in relapse, need to change, etc. That’s a whole long post here
  • Finally things at home are better and I am not the problem. Naturally, eating disorders and mental illness can cause a ton of stress for both the one who has them and people close to them. I feel like for years I have been the person who causes so much conflict in our family. It’s frustrating to feel all of that guilt and shame. Now, I’m not the one causing stress. There are some other things going on, there always is, but it doesn’t stem from me. Maybe this is selfish, but I am so happy to be on good terms with my family.
  • I am taking possibly the best interim course possible. We have a J-term where you take a “fun” class (usually) for 3.5 weeks. This can also be abroad or otherwise off campus. This year, I’m taking psychopathology in film. It’s been great! My prof is the best ever and we basically just watch films all class. Considering everything else that’s happened this month, I’m happy to at least relax in that regard.
  • I wish recovery was easier. There’s a whole ton that I could talk about forever, but I think I’ll save that for another post.

Feelings

  • Worried. I am not in the greatest place. It’s crunch time with less than 2 weeks until the semester starts. My treatment team is not at all convinced that I could handle it at this point. I’m so terrified that I won’t be able to do enough before then, or at least not enough to convince them I’m okay.
  • Guilt. This has a lot to do with food – restricting, not exercising, eating fear foods, lying, on and on.
  • Shame. The guilt almost immediately turns into shame. I feel like I’m wrong. I am not worthy. No one should care about me. These thoughts and feeling come and go but are always there in some way.
  • Tired/exhausted. Physically this probably has to do with the ED (although it’s currently giving me so much energy, it’s crazy.). Mentally and emotionally is worse. I’m doing a ton of work with being at iop and trying to fight. Ed is strong. This means I reallky have to step it up if I want to get past this and live my life. Unfortunately, being drained means it’s hard to fight more, leading into a bad cycle.
  • Sad. I’m not entirely sure where all this is coming from, but I think realizing where I am now is contributing to it.
  • Anxious. There are a million and one what ifs going thro ugh my mind constantly. Sometimes that makes it hard to focus on anything but the things that could happen in the future.
  • Depression. Along with this has come hopelessness, or maybe one causes the other. I feel just beaten down and that hasn’t helped.
  • Grateful for: my treatment center, new psych, K and R, health , nursing, IOP even though I don’t want to be there or think I need it, en ouragement, Livvy, my team, a fun class, being pushed (although not in the moment, haha), this break from real classes. I find it better to focus on these things sometimes than always get caught up in what’s wrong.
  • Conflicted. I want to be one foot in, one foot out of the eating disorder. Wht should I give up what’s seemingly making me happy? At the same time, I know that staying in the ED even somewhat is a dangerous spot to be in.

Happenings

  • My interim course is the absolute best thing ever. I have my amazing prof from last spring. The class is Psychopathology in Film, so we basicallky sit and wattch movies without much homework at all. It’s n ice to have a break.
  • As fun as break as been, it’s also hard. I’ve continued to struggle a ton. I’m trying to turn this around in the best way I can.
  • I switched around meds and it seems to be working without side effects! I’m so thankful for that. The one I was on can cause problems with your liver and is even banned in most countries. I’m happy with the new psychiatrist too.
  • I’ve been practicing yoga everyday and it’s my favorite thing. It calms me and is a way to exercise that isn’t completely terrible to my joints. There are some issues with overdoing it, but that doesn’t take away the love I have for yoga.
  • I’ve talked some about this, but I have the new treatment protocol for interim now. I attend IOP (Yes we’re actually calling it that now) Monday and Thursday with appts with my dietitian Monday and therapist both days. It’s exhausting and frustrating and just hard, but I realize it’s the best. This isn’t how I want to spend my time but I need it.
  • This is in-between thoughts, feelings, and happenings but I’ll put it here. I am so lucky to have good vets. My chinchilla, Milo, has had teeth/mouth issues for well over a month now. It started with drooling, not wanting to eat enough, and losing some weight. We took him to the vet in town and got medicine, but then he stopped eating completely. We now have a vet in GR who did his x-rays and then surgery to file down his back teeth which were very overgrown. After having to syringe feed him for 2 weeks and give lots of medications (not fun, if you were wondering) he is finally on the mend. His surgery was a week and a half ago and he’s made so much progress. It’s crazy how different he is. He’s gained back most of the weight he lost, bounces around the cage constantly, actually finishes his food, and overall is so happy. It was a huge effort from my whole family to get him better, but now he is. It was worth all of the tears and frustration.

Ramblings

  • I hate driving in the winter. Snow is pretty terrible and black ice is way worse, but what’s absolutely killed me is other people’s driving. Some people are ridiculous!! I can’t count how many times people have pulled out in front of me when I was super close to them, or how others will purposely speed up when you have time to make a left. I don’t understand how everyone forgets how to drive that quickly. I’ll be happy when it’s spring and I have to just deal with rain and wind (although it does snow in the spring sometimes because Michigan)
  • Although I’m happy about this new med, there is one possible side effect I’m terrified of: weight gain. Technically this is ED talking anyways, but it is so real. I don’t think I would truly be able to handle it if this happens. I’m convinced I would need to quit it then and there. I just want to be okay since the med does seem to help.
  • One foot in, one foot out has been my pattern for a long time now. I don’t like it one bit. I wish I could push myself and go all the way in with recovery. I’m stuck here instead. It’s uncomfortable. Some days I don’t know where I want to be, but I think that staying here forever isn’t a good option. I really hope I can try to decide which side I want more. My therapist told me that there isn’t actually a happy medium between recovery and eating disorder and that it’s just ED having control over you.
  • I don’t want to go into politics, but my Gog there is a certain human cheeto who’s infuriating. Some things he’s said are just unintelligent, racist/misogynistic, and just mean. Whether you voted for him or not, I think this point has some truth. Even, and especially, his tweets are offensive. He is someone who is affecting others and influencing how people view America, but this is not being done in a positive way.

12 thoughts on “TFHR – 1/16/18

  1. hi there friend. so you write “Wht should I give up what’s seemingly making me happy?” but dear you are not happy. eating disorders will never make you happy. they will drain you of every ounce of light inside of you, and they will ruin EVERY single thing you find beautiful in this world. every relationship, every gratitude, every opportunity. there is no happiness within your eating disorder, as there was none within mine. it is all a lie, because recovery is going to be the hardest thing you will ever have to overcome and that is TERRIFYING. terrifying, sure, but far from impossible. there is SO much beauty in this world. so much real happiness. so much real light. and NONE of it lies within your disorder. 💙 keep on keeping on.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so glad Milo is doing better. When I was a novice guinea pig mom I lost one of my little ones due to overgrown molars. Syringe feeds are a production with guinea pigs, and I would imagine that chinchillas are even harder to wrestle into submission!

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s so hard, I’m sorry. One of my greatest fears for him was malocclusion, but my vet is confident that we can manage it. Oh it was! The first 2 times I tried on my own and they ended in tears with him taking maybe 2 mL of food. My mom and brother worked with him and at the end he was grabbing onto the syringe and you would have to pull back so he could swallow, haha.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Shoot, I have issues commenting. What I was trying to say was that I was thinking the exact same thing as birch before I read her comment. You say the disorder is bringing you happiness, but it seems quite the opposite- you also notice an increase in depression, anxiety, guilt and shame, feeling overwhelmed, feeling exhausted. I’ve read your blog for a while and it seems the more entrenched in the ed you are the more miserable you are. That isn’t meant to be a criticism of you at all- the disorder is so good at convincing us it’s actually a positive thing, and I struck with this too. Have you thought about what’s so scary about both feet into recovery? What benefit does remaining sick offer? (Not meant to sound attacking, these kind of questions help me sort out why remaining sick doesn’t really get me what I want). Anyways- YOU CAN DO THIS. Its not too late to turn things around. Anorexia promises a lot, but never delivers. Being healthier (which is not synonymous with weight gain) will allow you to be PRESENT in this exciting time of nursing school and clinicals, not isolate in your room. You deserve to be happier.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I truly appreciate comments like this, because when you’re stuck in it, it’s easy to ignore all of the bad. I’ve thought about that qustion some before. I don’t feel like I’ve fully gone all in recovery for any good amount of time. Some things that are keeping me stuck currently: the unknown, feeling like I’ll lose control, having to give up things I believe make me happy, dealing with the weight gain (this one is very real right now), Ed convincing me I CAN have the best of both worlds. I’m not ready to head fully into recovery, but I’m seeing more and more that this isn’t going to cut it. I do want to be happier and thrive in nursing, not just survive or be stable enough to make it through.

      Like

  4. Hi, thanks for sharing your feelings. I know how you feel and struggling with letting go of something that is perceived as creating happiness. I know you’re aware it’s not true happiness. What’s good is that you’re sharing your thoughts and by doing so, it’ll help you rethink the benefits of true happiness vs artificial happiness. Eating disorders are dangerous and addictive, but I think you’re aware of this, but do want to overcome this challenge. Keep sharing and reviewing your thoughts. You’ll get there. You have a lot of support 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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