It may see pretty odd that I would group these two things together, but it’s actually a big realization I had following this past weekend. Right now we’re in prime tax filing season in the US. I am no expert on taxes or anything, but the part I do understand is deductions. Whatever deductions you have will lower taxable income and increase taxes you get back. You can itemize deductions and get more back if you have enough over a certain threshold. Examples of deductions include donations to charity, having dependents or children, and medical/dental expenses. The goal then is to find as many areas to qualify for this since you can receive more money back.

My dad was working on our taxes Saturday when he called me into the bedroom. Originally, he wanted to try using medical expenses I paid to get taxes back based on my taxes, but I didn’t make enough income for that.

I knew that medical would be an example of deductions, and we have paid an insane amount of money this past year towards my treatment. I’m talking thousands of dollars (and we still have a dept, but anyways). When I found out that we could possibly get more money based on that amount, I went into overdrive. I spent at least 2 hours pouring through all of my payments towards IOP, the one for PHP, and residential. Once I had that number, I needed to subtract out what we did through insurance so it wasn’t counted twice. It was a super long process, but I had this intense need to do it. Ulltimately, my parents will receive double the refund of what they were supposed to before medical came into the picture.

There was a part of me that wanted to do this only to help them out. More money means more security, less stress, etc. What I’ve realized is that my drive to work so hard wasn’t entirely a healthy thing.

I feel like I need to do something in return for every way I’ve harmed my parents. They had to deal with all of the stress that comes along with loving someone who has mental illness. I tried my best to prevent it, but they did share the burden of medical expenses. Because I wasn’t able to work, I needed help with things like gas and insurance. These situations and many more are proof that I must be a burden. I try to fight those thoughts, but it’s difficult when there’s all of this “evidence right in front of me.

Helping them in this way reduced some of my guilt. I can’t be that bad if they get something back for dealing with me. I still feel terrible, and maybe I always will. Even if it’s not in a healthy way, my contribution here has increased my self-worth in the tiniest way. If I had instead failed to get a deduction after all they do for me, it would have multiplied the opposite.

I don’t want to be defined by how much I can “repay” others. That’s quite obviously not a healthy view of myself and makes my self-worth completely dependent on acts of service. While doing things for others can benefit me in the short-term, it will quickly become an issue. I need to build genuine compassion for myself so I can reduce this guilt and shame I constantly experience.

I loved how I felt after helping out with taxes; however, shortly after I went right back to self-loathing and negativity. My goal (which is far from easy) is to write and look at often reasons why I matter, am a good person, deserve love, etc. I am trying to believe that I deserve this grace, no matter how much I feel like I’ve failed.