Thoughts

• I can’t believe how fast time is going by right now. It feels like just yesterday I was starting out in my peds clinical, but now I’ve finished 2 weeks of OB! Before I know it, the semester will be over and then it’s senior year. Receiving an email on registration addressed to seniors was surreal. It won’t be long before I graduate and finally work as an RN.
• I’ve been thinking a ton about all of these big questions: who am I, really? Why am I working towards recovery? Am I meant to be here forever? What do I need in order to move forward? I hope to do some posts soon on this. It’s been helpful to talk about this in therapy some. I need to tap into what I truly want. I don’t think I can continue as I am forever.
• It’s still so crazy that I’m actually working with patients and doing nursy things. I’ll go from feeling like I have no clue what I’m doing in lab to doing all of the things (with conficdence, after time!?!) pretty well. Every single interaction has proved more and more that nursing is for me. I was the girl who would barely speak to anyone unless I knew them and now I am able to approach people I’ve just met and complete assessments on them. I love it and I love how I’m growing as a person.
• OB is so far not as awkward/terrible as I thought, thank God. I was prepared for yesterday’s clinical to be painful, but it wasn’t even close to that. I loved my mom and she didn’t at all mind the invasive questions/assessment. Also, we don’t need to go as detailed as I thought, which is a huge plus. Hopefully, the rest of my experience will be like this, too.

Feelings

• Stressed. Honestly this should just be a given for anytime I’m in school and probably outside of that too. I’ve accepted the things I cannot change there and I’m trying my best to cope in a semi-healthier way. The main source currently is this new change in schedule. I HATE change and this involves way too much in my mind, even if plenty of this change is bringing great things.
• Grateful. So far, the nurses in this new hospital/unit are amazing. They’re way more willing to give me learning experience, help to guide me if I look lost, let me observe procedures, etc. I can tell that I’ll gain a ton from them.
• Frustrated. It seems like every single appointment lately has been a struggle start to finish. I feel like I’m getting nowhere. I hate this. I’m not the most willing to make steps toward recovery, but it’s still hard. I know my team means well, they just clash with the ED voice which is strong right now. Also, needing to supplement/be on a weight again protocol is just gross. I’m not a happy camper wither, and that makes everything worse. Blech. Hopefully things will get better soon.
• Guilt. This just comes with the hellish time that is recovering from an eating disorder, specifically the food part. The ED screams all day to eat as little as possible and only safe foods, then gets even louder when that doesn’t happen. Some days I’m able to fight back, but most lately haven’t gone well. That actually adds to the guilt so it’s this big ball of fun. I’ve had some shame too, but at this point not quite as present.
• Proud. I’m clearly not in a good place. That’s not even debatable; however, I am still doing some very hard things every day. I could have given up by now. I’ve wanted to many times. Still, I press on. I finish my meals, drink the ensure, talk about everything in therapy, sit through difficult appointments, face the uncomfortable, keep up on schoolwork, take care of myself the best I can. I haven’t been doing better in recovery, but for the most part I’m stable. That’s a cause for celebration right now.
• Worried. I sometimes get some feelings of worry and concern over how things are right now. I know it isn’t great and I don’t think I can stay where I’m at. Some things scare me. Maybe if I used that to propel me into recovery I would be more successful?

Happenings

• Veronica Mars <3. Over about 2 weeks I rewatched all 3 seasons and the movie with my mom. I absolutely love this show and it’s the best to watch again and again.
• Sleeping in my hammock. Last year when I was looking up how hammocks can be beneficial with sleeping, I was intrigued. I already loved relaxing in it, so why not try to sleep all night? I used my single as a bed for nearly all of last spring, then stopped. I began sleeping in my double hammock just before break and it’s wonderful. It seems to support my joints well which helps with pain. I hope to continue this once school’s over too.
• Yoga recovery book club group. I was really anxious about joining this group. It’s run by my old dietitian (talk about coming full circle). We’re reading through a book and most importantly talking about how the concepts relate to our lives and recovery. The insight and support I’ve gotten are invaluable. R still knows me so well and can challenge me/see through the bullshit (which is also hard, but necessary). Another nice thing is that I have this group and support group rotating each week so that I always have a recovery-focused activity every Monday evening.
• IOP. This one pains me/is embarrassing/annoying/etc. I wish that I didn’t need to be there so much, but I know I need it. I’m just not in a place where i can step down more right now. I’m trying to just make the most out of it even though things are really hard in the treatment front.
• Day in GR with my mom. Over spring break, my mom and I got to hangout in GR for the day, which never happens. I’m always home on the weekends and she doesn’t like to make the drive, so it was a special occasion. We went to the butterfly exhibit at Frederik Meijer Gardens, World Market, and lunch. The butterflies are amazing and the rest of it was pretty good too.
• My brother, his girlfriend, and I went to see The Greatest Showman and I actually loved it! I’m not huge into musicals but it’s really well done. I went with my mom this weekend too! I would definitely recommend (especially in theater), but don’t look up the real story because it kinda ruins the magic a bit.
• Met a reader! This is was so cool to me because the only ones I know that read my blog are friends irl. I can’t believe that there are others in the US and around the world that see my posts. p.s. Mindy, it was nice to meet you! 🙂
• All the breaks. I had 8 days of school in March, and two of those were just exams! Between spring break and Easter break, this is the first full week of school since mid-March. It’s weird to be back but also nice because schedules make me happy.

Ramblings

• Winter needs to be done now. I know that I live in Michigan and I should expect this blah, blah, blah. It’s April now and it snowed 2 days in a row. That is NOT OKAY. The whole in like a lion, out like a lamb thing for March was wrong too. We had nasty sleet and wind on the last day of March. It feels like there’s no end in sight to this nastiness but there’s hope? I mean the cold has to end at some point? /endrant
• This isn’t where I wanted to be right now. I shouldn’t need to spend ~8 hours a week in treatment on top of school and clinicals. I should just eat like a normal person. I should be so much further in my recovery journey. I wish, sometimes, that it was all just a walk in the park. I’m beyond tired of all the energy this is taking. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I put effort into recovery and not the ED, or even didn’t need to put so much energy into recovery because I was doing so well. For now, I just have to keep dealing with this. It doesn’t have to be this way forever, though.
• I find it so hilarious that I’m the speeder in our family now. I’ve been informed I “drive like a true GR person,” apparently. I basically just go 80ish on the freeway for nearly the entire drive between home and school, plus on the way to the hospital. There are rarely cops and it’s kinda the speed of traffic at times, so I don’t see a problem there. 😉

That’s a wrap!