More than just a bad choice

*this was written almost entirely last week but I’m just getting around to posting it

It has been a day, and I am just now coming up for air at nearly 2 am. There was a lot of good, and I’ve been overly focusing on absolutely everything BUT what I should be. I’m ready to do the work and unpack a little.

Exactly what happened doesn’t matter. I don’t want the specific behaviors/overall situation as the focus. Sure, that matters to an extent. I can discuss that part with my team or not at all. Right now, though, I want to look at what this all says about my recovery.

This morning started off well. I got to sleep in and I was really excited about seeing my friend (now coworker!) and then suffering together through an orientation thing. I started thinking about the day which of course included meal planning. That’s when the ED voice started to grow. By the time I had to leave and grab food, i was in a constant battle over what to do: choose Ed or recovery. Ed won. A flood of different emotions came. It’s always like that with behaviors. The ED side is prideful and euphoric, when deep down I know it’s only hurting me. I have a hard time knowing how to feel with so many conflicting thoughts.

Once I returned to my home, I could have completed a behavior chain, dusted myself off, and kept going. Instead I continued to be pulled in Ed’s direction. It wasnt about one bad decision anymore, but all of the consequences that piggybacked off of it.

The entire day has involved at minimum background noise from the ED. Many points brought overbearing thoughts, like around dinner and towards the end of tonight.

Ed promises that he will shut up for a while if you only do xyz. That’s not the truth for me. Restriction and behaviors only leads to more of the same. I have to get out of this cycle before it ends with me going back to treatment. What happened today cannot repeat again and again. Tomorrow, I will fight this more and be stronger. I will feel the fear and do it anyways, as one of my favorite therapists always says.