I’m really scared going into today. As I sit here typing, the IOP team is deciding my fate. I learned yesterday that this would be the case. It’s been a long time of (in their eyes) me needing a higher level of care but avoiding it. I am 95% sure they’re going to recommend PHP and I have little fight against that. I could technically refuse, but I also just can’t. What choice do I really have when they’re not going to let me continue IOP?

I’m guessing that either today or Monday will be my last day, and then I’ll be forced to start partial. I’m so scared for a million reasons. It may be the least disruptive option for treatment right now, but this is going to be terrible all around. My parents are going to freak and yell and scream and try to refuse. I truly can’t afford it at all. Not only is it expensive (though at least covered by insurance), but I would have to quit working or cut back by a lot.  I don’t know how Im going to continue paying for treatmdent in general but that’s an added stress.

I’ve been trying my hardest to avoid answering the main question on everyone’s mind: can I make this on my own or do I need a higher level of care? I think the answer may be no, but only because of time constraints. I have 5.5 weeks until school and I guess it might not be possible to get to a good enough place by then. I haven’t told anyone this and can’t even accept it myself.

I want to shut down or skip treatment or not ever show up again. Part of me still hangs on to the hope that things will get better, so I am going to try. I am at least making myself stay for lunch. If I can’t handle everything after that I won’t push myself. There’s a lot of stress and hard decisions coming and maybe a break for the rest of the day would be okay.

My only hope is that somehow things work out and that it won’t be as bad as I think.