I can come up with a million and two reasons why I haven’t written, miss writing, “should” have written 22 posts by now, etc, BUT for now I want to talk about this.
As the title says, today marks one week post-discharge from PHP. Yes, that is just 7 days, not the 14/21+ I had assumed I would have by now. I’m not really okay with that, but I am going to be. It truly wasn’t the worst possible way to end my summer.
Here is a snippet from my post last Wednesday: “4 weeks, 19 days, 130 hours of programming, 93 meals and snacks, 3600 miles and 38+hrs driven.
Countless tears shed. Feeling lost, overwhelmed, anxious, challenged, excited, shameful. Difficult conversations, meal plan increases, wanting to give up. Packets, lectures, assignments, and groups.
All of the above? Totally worth it because I am now on my way to recovery. This semester isn’t going to start the same way last spring ended. PHP wasn’t at all how I envisioned my last month of summer, but I’m grateful for how things turned out and the lovely people I’ve gotten to know along the way.”
I mean those words, deeply and truly. What I needed was a program that would push me hard and make sure to fight ED even when I didn’t want to. I needed to be watched as I ate four times a day (and even the damn tray checks because I am not always that trustworthy..) I needed people who wouldn’t give up as I sat there stubborn and willful. Despite all the hardness, I also needed compassionate people surrounding me (staff and fellow patients!). IOP was too little, residential or inpatient would have been too much, and PHP was just right.
I’ve been back in the dorms since Friday and today was our second day of class. I am back here, but in so many ways I’m not where I left off last spring. My dietitian messaged me yesterday about the growth she sees in just the week I’ve been using Recovery Record again. I completely discount my positives all day long, but I want to end this post with some changes I do believe in.
- I have eaten in the dining hall basically every meal I’ve agreed to (vs maybe twice a week prior!?!?)
- I try to reach for a snack when I feel hunger cues
- I’m trying to find small ways to make recovery a priority
- I survived some seriously limited options in the dining halls – think 1-2 proteins/sides plus a salad bar
- I’ve eaten some scary things (mostly out of necessity due to the above issue)
- I am being honest on RR even when it sucks
- I think I may have more energy?
This is most definitely a work in progress, and I won’t get into the hard part now because what matters is that I am trying. I am doing the recovery things and that matters.