“Kinda miserable”

As I was meeting with my dietitian on Monday, she ended up asking me how I think this really is going. I knew she didn’t want my BS “okay” or “pretty good” answer. There is no fooling her. (The woman reads my Recovery Record logs where I write what I’m actually feeling/eating, so she definitely can see through it all.)

I thought for a minute and ultimately landed on “kinda miserable.” I only realized after thinking about it for a couple days that this too is a pretty downplayed answer.

When I think of miserable, I start to imagine some situation so bad you would do anything to get out of it. Miserable is how I felt when I had swine flu, lost my grandpa, went through a hard breakup, and had my Nuss procedure. Those times in my life held lots of physical or emotional discomfort, to the point where even thinking about it brings a shudder. I would never choose to repeat those situations and many others I consider bad enough to call miserable.

So why then, did I use “kinda miserable” to describe how I’m feeling now?

I guess the miserable part fits to an extent. I did just provide K with a list of signs and symptoms of starvation I’m experiencing, and those are not exactly fun (unless being cold with bruises all over and thinning hair is your idea of a good time). It is definitely bothersome dealing with ED thoughts all day long. Sometimes I just wish that I could eat like “normal” people and not be so bothered.

At the same time, the eating disorder is 1000% providing me good things, too. If that wasn’t the case I probably could have recovered years ago. I think that’s where the “kinda” part comes through. I’m not sure if its more me being in denial or what, but I cannot say that I am fully miserable in the ED. I’m just not.

My answer here may not be the full truth, because I am not at a point where I’m willing to completely denounce the ED. Maybe I need more time. I can imagine my team asking “what will be enough, then?” to which I have no clue. Right now, it is enough to admit that sometimes, in some ways following the eating disorder has brought me discomfort.


I wanted to start with a catch up post, given that I have missed nearly 6 months of my life in this absence from blogging. I do plan on an update or two, but for now this was on my mind and I needed to write about that. I’ll be back with more soon!

One thought on ““Kinda miserable”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s