Blind Faith

Blind: unable to see.

Faith: confidence or trust in a person or thing.

Together, blind faith means complete trusting in God’s plan when I cannot see the end. I’ve struggled with this a ton lately, but I am wholeheartedly giving up control. I’ve tried and failed time and time again. I simply cannot control my future, or at least not in any way that will end well. God has been waiting for me, a glorious plan in His hand, and I’m finally ready to let Him take the lead.

What will this mean when it comes to my life? In one word: peace. My worry and anxiety has gone down so much. I’m not spending hours a day wondering what bad things may happen. I am learning to “not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself” (Matt 6:34). I realize that things will happen in the future and they may not all be pleasant, but also that worrying now does no good for me. Even if there’s pain and discomfort, I will get through and learn something from it. God has a higher purpose than I will ever be able to grasp.

This huge shift and revival of my faith in God has already led to some decisions/changes in thinking that I am incredibly happy with. Firstly, I am going to NTS camp as a leader. I promised them I would and they’ve been so excited about ME leading them. Regardless of what uncertainty the future holds about me helping with youth group next year or not, this experience won’t be pointless. I know God will grow and challenge our relationship with Him and each other during that week and after. I am ready to lead and learn.

Next fall has brought nothing but fear the last few months. I have had doubts about my major, whether I should even go to college, how I would ever make friends, and more. I got to a point where I couldn’t even trust God could make the situation good. I spent a lot of time in prayer and He’s come through with some pretty straightforward answers for me. He’s shown me again and again that Calvin is where I belong. Even more, nursing is the right choice. That alone didn’t completely cement my anxieties but God continued to change that this week. Katie at work has been a huge blessing when it comes to anything surrounding living at college and making friends. She had no problem there and is a lot like me (a  tad socially awkward and not a lot of friends in high school) so my anxieties there are at a normal level. In so many other ways I’ve gained complete peace with all of my decisions with Calvin. I will have support there and nearby, including getting connected to counseling staff before moving in. I can still minister to others as a nurse and the career truly fits my strengths well. I am going to love being challenged academically and being in a Christian environment, a combination Calvin uniquely provides me. Overall, God has proven and continues to show me that next fall will be okay.

For as long as I can remember I’ve had mental health issues. I have negative behaviors and thought patterns that started when I was a child. It’s so easy for me to fall into hopelessness. That’s exactly where I was the past few weeks. Because I’ve never experience complete freedom from all these things before, I believed God couldn’t do it. I thought that I would be miserable forever. I am just beginning to trust that what I’m going through isn’t making my life terrible. I will grow from this somehow. I have no idea what good can come from this pain, but that’s because only God knows. All I do know is that if I build my foundation of recovery on Him I will get better. It might not be the pace I want but healing is going to come for me. Even if I never live a day without disordered thoughts in my life I am willing to fight past them each day to let God work through me. Depression, anxiety, BPD, and anorexia have NOTHING on God.

I have a long way to go on all of this. I’m not a perfect Christian and I certainly don’t have it all together. I’m not focused on being perfect though, that’s God’s job. Instead, I am spending more time in prayer, worship, and His word. The more I give up to Him the better I feel. He will take care of me and has a future bigger than I could ever imagine. I am not worthless or hopeless, but excited to see God’s plan unfold in my life. I am ready to blindly let Him lead.

Blessed.

I am blessed with so many things in my life. My family. My health despite the ED. The fact that I am still alive. My girls and the opportunity to be their leader. All of the people who love and support me. My church family. Being able to attend the #3 school in our state (#2 in academics!) next year. My Savior’s love, acceptance, forgiveness, and Grace. The invitation to be an Honors Fellow and acceptance into Honors College (even if I’m unsure about it).

The thing is, I don’t deserve any of it. Not even close.

I know God’s love for me is unconditional and never-ending, but I have never understood WHY. Why would He give me, a broken, imperfect sinner, so many blessings? How could He ever have a plan to use me in some way? If I can’t even begin to see any good in myself how does He?

I’m not going to pretend I know the answer to any of those questions because I certainly don’t. Although no amount of prayer and scripture reading will ever give me full knowledge of these “why’s,” I am trying my best to learn as much as I can about it. After all, I can see God’s work in others and how much they deserve His love. It’s the focusing on me that is harder.

Ephesians 2:10 says this: “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” I have this verse highlighted, underlined, and sticky-noted in my bible. It’s one of my favorites, even if I don’t believe it much yet. I am hopeful that one day I will. One day I’ll be able to thank God for everything in my life and actually believe I deserve His love and grace and blessings.

John 10:10

I was flipping through my bible and noticed a verse I marked last summer: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10. I wrote in next to it “Ed= the thief/satan.” I didn’t fully get it back then, not a chance. Now I think I do.

Ed has had one and only one positive impact on my life: weight loss. I thought for so long, and still believe to some extent, that because I was losing weight I could ignore any bad things that came from it. I was wrong.

There are some things this eating disorder stole from me that I will never get back. I have pushed so many friends away, and those relationships are irreparable. All of these things I put my body through have serious consequences, some of which I am still too scared to admit are happening. I put my family through hell. I don’t think it will ever be the same. I have completely ruined more meals in the past few years than I can count. I can’t take that back. I’ve said nasty, horrible things to people who love me that I’m not sure can be forgiven. I don’t think I will ever be able to see my body realistically no matter how hard I try.I have turned down so many different events and fun things because of my fear that food could be involved. My trip to Disney that should ave been the highlight of my year was ruined by Ed. My relationship with God has suffered. I have become a shell of the girl I once was.

Ed/Satan has taken these things and I let him. I still do. I don’t fight like I am supposed to. I am trying, some days at least, to repair what has been broken and replace what is lost. It’s not easy. Not everything will ever be “normal” again. Despite all of the bad thoughts and the fear that I won’t ever be okay again, I still have hope that God can heal me. I will always have to carry these scars and pain around with me but I believe that it can be lightened. I have to, because being here wouldn’t be worth it otherwise. I want to follow Him fully into recovery. That’s the only way it’ll ever get better.

It’s hard looking back on all of this, but also a little empowering. I can’t do this on my own. I’ve tried and it just gets me back on this same path. What this verse is teaching me now is that I need God, more than ever. I am going to embrace Him, not my eating disorder and not anything Enemy tells me. I can’t let any more of my life or future be stolen from me.