The last 37 hours have been… hellish, scary, disappointing, life-altering, emotional. I’ll try to go through a quick run down before I head to sleep.
Yesterday I went into therapy, knowing that Jenny wouldn’t be happy. I slipped even more since her warning last week. We considered our options and she called FV. It was decided I would go today for an assessment with hopes of being put inpatient. That alone was SO hard.
I had to tell my parents about everything. They had noo clue of this relapse so to find out that I was sick again and also needed treatment right away was a shock. I thought after all of it that my parents would never love or trust me, but thankfully they’ve since calmed down.
Today I went to my assessment. The intake social worker was nice and told me I needed IP. She had to call the doctor and a protocol and he said PHP is all he can offer. At this point I was so tired and finally found home in treatment. For any reasons PHP isn’t going to work. I need something more intensive.
Tomorrow I go to PHP. The doctor can and hopefully will step me up to IP. I know I need help this time around.
I know it’s only been a day since the divorce, but I seriously feel A M A Z I N G!
Today had so many great moments and it makes me smile just thinking about it. My decision to leave Ed behind has made a huge impact on how today went.
I woke up this morning and, although it took a few minutes of convincing myself I deserve to have food, breakfast went very smoothly. I got in enough protein (that never happens!) and I set off on my day. Class was as usual except for one major difference: I didn’t body check or think of food at all. I didn’t even realize my accomplishment until later but it felt so good to be able to really focus on what I was learning and just have a break.
Christian Fellowship brought yet another HUGE change. Last night as I was falling asleep, I felt what I know was God leading me to do something way out of my comfort zone: tell everyone at Christian Fellowship about the divorce from Ed. I freaked out, I really really did. I went to bed and thought nothing of it, until I woke up and that urge was ten times stronger than it had been the night before. At this pint I was still doubting God’s persistence, but I messaged the group leader (who knew about the ED) and asked if I should share, totally believeing he would say no. He loved the idea, and at that point I internally freaked out. He would never let me get out of that and I knew God wouldn’t stop pushing me either, so I was basically stuck. To understand how big of a deal this was to me, first it helps to know thta for a long time I could count the number of people who knew about my disorder on my hands. Today I added seven new ones and you know what, they were supportive and I didn’t die doing it!
The rest of my day was pretty decent. I ate lunch by my self (and finished it!), had my last chemistry lab, and attempted to figure out my life/future plans. The next huge recovery win came when I went to church for Awana. Tonight was the first time ever since starting to volunteer there that I have not been engrossed in Ed all night. Every other time I have gone, I either restricted all day, body checked while I was there, was completely distracted by Ed thoughts, or any combination of the three. Having Ed completely took the life out of me and I know the kids must have suffered from that. They didn’t suffer tonight though. It’s the first time that everyone got the real me. I was a little tired from school, but I also was able to smile and laugh and have an amazing time. The night went by pretty fast and I had fun. Also, I had some huge highlights. Rick came up to me and congratulated me on being one year free and I showed him the divorce. It was so nice and unexpected too because I hadn’t known Kim told him. The best part of the night was definitely when Kim came. She signed my divorce and we talked some about how grateful I am that she suggested the idea of giving Ed the boot. She also commented on me looking better and brighter. I am beyond excited to be a witness for her divorce decree too! She deserves freedom so much!
One day out and I can already tell the huge difference. I know this was the right thing to do for me and the right time. I will never be fully ready but it was beyond time. It’s amazing how everything has come together the past few months to lead up to yesterday. I am blessed for all God has done and all He has in store for my future free from Ed! I have the best people I could ask for with me as I continue on this recovery journey.
Usually when I don’t think through things to make a decision, I end up doing something negative. I’ll restrict or exercise or otherwise follow the Ed voice most of the time.
Today’s decision, on the other hand, was very positive. I chose to go to the Christian Fellowship Club with a friend after class. I LOVED it. It’s a small group and we’re the only girls, but it’s nice. Everyone else was so kind and I think it will be good for me to be spiritually challenged once a week. It’s spending time with people. It’s getting to be away from Ed.
I was able to eat lunch after our meeting. I had strength. I feel good today. I feel better than i have.
Usually i have a really hard time meeting new people. I’m always afraid of how badly they will think of me. These people didn’t see me the way I do though. They didn’t see someone who feels overweight. They didn’t see me as struggling and not put together. They saw me as a child of God. They saw me exactly how God sees me. I want to see myself that way. Our conversation was about our identity as Christians and it was exactly what I needed to hear. We are all God’s masterpieces. It doesn’t matter how broken I feel because God is going to use that brokenness to do His work.
I want to continue to strengthen my faith. I want to be able to see the real me. I want to lean on God and follow His plans for me. This is another way I am going to get to do that and I am excited. This year is going to be different from lat in the best way.