I hate you. I have never felt more disgusted by all that you are. You have grown too large for me to handle. I cannot hold back the tears at any glimpse of you. I am not allowed and have no desire to learn how much you weigh. I know that it is far beyond what I could ever be okay with. I can feel myself packing on the pounds and fat every second. I feel the intense need to fix you. If only I restrict and exercise. Then, I can fit you better into my definition of good. I honestly would give just about anything to shrink you down to something I am comfortable with. Maybe that could mean being happy with you. Anything is better than having my disgust for you overrule my day. Please just be willing to let me fix you.
The Disordered Emily
I am learning to appreciate you. I have never had such a difficult time in doing so. You feel too large to handle. The dysmorphia means that mirrors or any glimpse of you only brings tears. I am not allowed to know how much you weigh and I have no desire to. I know that number would only threaten my recovery. It feels like I can tell that you keep growing larger, but this is only one of Ed’s tricks. Ed wants me to focus my life on fixing you. I refuse to go back there because it won’t help anything. Shrinking you means shrinking my spirit and all that is me until I am just a bag of bones. I will never be happy with that mindset. I can work through the disgust I feel now. It won’t last forever. I am so sorry for trying to fix you for so many years. Instead, I will work on acceptance of where you are.`
The Real Emily
I would like to thank you for the 21+ years you have given me. You’ve faced many challenges, illnesses, injuries, surgeries, and everything I’ve done that brought harm. Despite it all, here you still are.
I am grateful what you have allowed me to do. You gave me the strength and endurance to play ten years of soccer. You make every summer in Ludington magical with all the activities you make possible: tubing, running down sand dunes, walking in the state park, swimming in Hamlin Lake, fishing. I am able to give and receive hugs with those I love most. My obsession and love for yoga wouldn’t be possible if you weren’t flexible and strong. I couldn’t dream of being a nurse one day and helping others without you being healthy enough to withstand the demands of the job. Someday I will chase my children and grandchildren around. You have gifted me endlessly. Even the parts of you I hate still are a blessing for reasons that are beyond what’s on the outside.
I am sorry for my abuse, hatred, neglect, and harm I have given you.
I am wearing you down. I know that if it doesn’t stop I will push you too far. I really can’t promise all of this will end soon or ever. I am going to try. When I’m stuck in that dark place, when I hate you and wish you were anything but the way you are, I hope I can remember the good. I will look to what you have given me and not what you are like on the outside.
I want to make amends. You deserve my love. Please be patient as I learn how to feed you, exercise in a healthier way, listen and cater to your needs, be nonjudgmental, repair as much of the damage I’ve caused that is possible, appreciate you more, be your friend and most of all, love you.
2017 will be different. I promise you that.