Spring break bust

I’m not one who really likes to whine and complain about things on and on, especially not when its something I should be enjoying. I just got back to school after a week off for spring break. Honestly, I hated it.

I went home from last Friday-today. I’m somewhat jealous of others who were all over the country having the greatest experiences. I really wish I would have done at least something fun, but I didn’t.

I started off the week sick with a nasty sinus infection that I am still recovering from somewhat. Friday I was dragged to my brother’s high school by my mom to take pictures of costumes for his musical (which I didn’t actually need to do at all because a professional was too). I came home exhausted and basically stayed in the chair with Olive, watching Netflix and sleeping. Monday I was forced again to the school for more pictures although I got about 3. The rest of the week I was mostly home alone and it was also too cold to do much outside. Plus,, sinus infection so I’m not sure I would have wanted to do anything anyways. Friday I went shopping (holy shit bad idea but I needed clothes). Yesterday we went to dinner then the musical and then headed back to GR today.

Break was hard for a few reasons (thank you sinus infection), but I would say my depression and ED take the number one and two spots.

Even before break started I knew I was going to fight a battle with negative/depressive thoughts. I already felt really shoved aside since my family was going to be so focused on my brother and the musical. I feel terrible for that, but I guess its only natural to have some sort of expectations for your only week off from school. More than that, I just felt so worthless and alone and like no one cared that I was alive. I say felt but all of those are here with me now, especially as everyone else is happy and talking and catching up while I sit here alone (of course).

I also knew the ED was going to give me shit as well. I felt overwhelmed the last time I went home for two days, so 9 would be terrible. Anytime I’m off routine it gets so hard to remember eating and fulfilling my meal plan. I’m also still dealing with little to no appetite, which means forcing myself to eat every bite. Without actively trying to restrict I skipped many meals and snacks simply because I can’t remember and don’t feel the least bit hungry. I’m having problems (more than usual) with body image to fuel ED thoughts as well. Overall it plain sucks. There are plenty of moments where going back to behaviors seems better than this, however, I won’t believe that lie.

I don’t want to forever regret and focus on how bad this spring break was. That will only send me into more of a negative spiral. Instead, I will be thankful for the rest, time off school, and time spent with the best cat ever.

I am alive.

I shouldn’t be alive right now. These past few years, they should have killed me one way or another. I don’t really want to focus on all of the things that easily would have ended my life, but instead on why they didn’t.

How am I still alive? I went to therapy once a week or more. I was in PHP and IP at Forest View. So many people have supported me through this all. I was monitored and nearly force-fed. My loving Father and Savior has been merciful on my life and kept me going. Regardless of how many outside forces were trying their best to keep me alive, there’s really just one that did it: me.

I am alive right now because I choose to be. I am working hard to live each day, and even learning to thrive. I fight like hell against all of the thoughts that weigh me down. I feed myself and try to somehow make love in my heart for myself. I am growing each and every day because I am resilient. Even on the bad days I am not losing because I am still here at the end of it.

I am so thankful to be alive. I was put here for a purpose. God doesn’t make mistakes, not even me. I want to treat each new day as a gift from Him. I am pushing myself to enjoy every second and learn and move more toward who He desires me to be. Not everyone wakes up. We are never promised tomorrow and recent events have let me see that. Knowing this, how could I rationalize any other way of living?

I am overcome that so much of my life has been spent not wanting to wake up the next morning. I wanted a way out. I didn’t see any worth whatsoever in myself. I couldn’t justify living another second. I didn’t think life would ever get better. I honestly didn’t want it to get better.

Here’s the thing: it does get better. I don’t care what you’re facing or how bad it is. I was there too, but I’m not now. I want to live, and I want to help others decide to live too. When I say “it gets better,” I don’t mean that it gets easy, or that it won’t get worst. In fact, it probably will be worse for a while. You will feel like you can’t even manage another breath, that you would rather choose the easy way out. You have to push beyond it because beyond the depression, suicidal thoughts, tragedies, hurt, years of pain, miserable living situations, self-doubt or even self-hatred, eating disorder, or whatever you may face is hope. Hope that says tomorrow is worth it. Hope that says your life is worth it. Hope that says you are worth it. Hope is right.

Keep living. Keep being alive. I’m here with you.

Down, down, down

Warning: do not read this unless you can safely handle a ton of negativity. No ED stuff or SH, just feeling really really bad currently.

I am miserable right now. I’m still not currently ready to talk about all of it. I haven’t told a soul all that’s going on in my head right now. I haven’t even explained all that’s going on outside of myself. I can’t just sit in these thoughts without breaking down. I’ve cried a majority of the time I wasn’t at work or with others. I’m isolating. I feel like hurting myself in a lot of ways, although the only I’ve acted out is mental torture. I have never felt this kind of pain. I would rather have pectus surgery ten times over than have all these thoughts.

I know this is all going to be vague, I’m doing that on purpose. Specifics don’t matter. If I wanted to type it all out I would be crying and probably end up giving myself a panic attack. I know this because it’s happened already trying to write this post. So in no specificity whatsoever, I feel like my entire future is pointless, I am pushing away from basically everyone, I am absolutely terrified, I have no control over 99% of what could/is going to happen, I feel really hurt, my entire purpose is gone, I am so alone, I am having worse thoughts than a few months ago or ever really.

Not just one thing set this all off. It’s been building for a long time but then the floodgates of disordered thinking and all of it opened up last week and I haven’t been able to stop it more than a little bit at a time. Work is the only time I’m distracted enough to ignore everything. I’m so thankful to have worked three days this week so far and I’m scheduled two more, then five next week. The problem is, the second I get home, or even if I pause at work, it all comes rushing back. I feel so unstable and out of control. I thought it might get better over time but I was wrong. I don’t feel any better. In a lot of ways it’s worse. I can’t even begin to see ways I can stop this. I can’t see a future. I don’t know what to do and i’m rejecting all help.

If something doesn’t change it isn’t going to be good. I’m already intent on ruining everything I care about and all the people I am close to and my future. I don’t even want to go to college or talk to anyone (except Livvy because she is the only one who basically 100% gets it or at least tries the best she can). All I can do is see where this gets me because I don’t plan on trying to get it any better right now.

What I (probably) won’t share in therapy tomorrow

Fair warning: this is going to be negative. As always I’ll do my best to stay away from triggering info.

I’ve been dealing with some really crappy thoughts lately. And by lately I mean the past forever. I ignore them usually (smart, right?) and haven’t mentioned them to anyone. I feel like now is a good time to talk about them so I don’t have to in therapy.

My lovely disordered thoughts are definitely changing. Before I would have extreme guilt and self-hate thoughts after eating and also before I ate. This would cause me to restrict heavily then feel bad even eating a tiny bit. Now that I’m all fully committed to recovery I have been eating better, but not really for good reasons. Basically it’s only because I feel extreme guilt letting my mom, Livvy, etc down. In doing this I am creating way more negative thoughts than I could have. It gets to the point where I hate myself and my new body and all of the gross foods I’m eating but I just don’t care about myself enough to change a thing.

The thoughts I’m dealing with now suck. I hate myself 100% of every single day. I can’t think about much else. I don’t even have confidence in things I normally would, like my ability to be a youth leader. Mirrors, old pictures, getting dressed, really anything can be a trigger. Once I head down the negative route it just doesn’t stop.If I’m being honest, I have had suicidal ones lately too. It’s not really wanting to do anything but more feeling like I should be dead. If someone told me I was going to die tomorrow I really wouldn’t care… I know there are people who love me (I don’t get why though) but it really doesn’t make a difference. I’m sick of who I am and who I’m becoming. I would rather not burden anyone anymore.

Well that’s the end of negative thoughts for the night. No way I’m sharing it with Jenny tomorrow. I haven’t told a single health professional about any of the suicidalish thoughts since… Susan maybe? So it isn’t going to happen tomorrow, that’s for sure!

I know certain members of my support would probably yell at me if/when they read this so let’s hope they don’t.