I’ve noticed this has been a pattern in the past, but yesterday post clinical brought it back to the extreme. I was rushed to grab my things from the locker room to get to post-conference, and I ended up grabbing someone else’s coat that was very similar to mine. I didn’t notice for the almost hour I was there, and only realized after taking the shuttle back to staff parking. This lead to an immediate freak out. Would this person call security? What if they have to wait a long time and aren’t able to go home? Will they accuse me of stealing? Are they going to freak out too? These thoughts kept coming and I began to panic. I ended up calling my professor, which was a second huge mistake. I forgot that she was in some meeting (which is why we ended early), so when she responded with that immediate guilt rushed over me. Suddenly I had screwed up twice and had no way of contacting the floor secretary. Instead, I had to sit in my emotions and wait for the next shuttle. It took over a half hr to get back. I quickly went up to the floor and did my walk of shame as the secretary led me to the locker room. I ended up switching out the coats without anyone noticing, thankfully. It should have been over right then, but that was far from the case.
Pretty much immediately after discovering my first mistake, Ed made up a new rule: no eating lunch until I returned it. This wasn’t so bad in my mind. It was around 12:30 at that point and waiting another half hr wasn’t going to kill me. As the disordered thoughts and emotions strengthened, Ed created more rules. I couldn’t eat until I got home (which would be an hr or so after getting up to the floor). If the person was angry or anything, I wasn’t able to eat at all. I could only hit x exchanges for the day because I didn’t deserve food. Exercise was necessary and needed to be vigorous to make up for my inadequacies. Even after all was fixed and I left the hospital, the guilt/shame, frustration, anxiety, disgust, and intrusive thoughts persisted.
It’s been around 22 hours since everything went down and I am still preoccupied with it all. I can’t get over my mistakes and how that must define me as a person. As much as I truly want to let this go and focus on other things, I don’t think that will be easy at all. It seems a little ridiculous at this point. That doesn’t change how I feel right now.
I want to try to accept where I am instead of beating myself up even more for feeling the way I do. I have to be patient with myself. Today begins the fight. I want to only focus on behaviors for now as a priority, because the thoughts can return later. This cycle can’t continue to snowball and affect my recovery any more than it already has.