Tag: ED thoughts

Tough.

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I had a hard day/night. We went to a friend’s house in another city and I hated it. My mom really tried her best to be accommodating and have some safe foods for me, but all of that was no match for Ed. I absolutely hate eating with people I am not used to. This is an extremely small number. Adding that to the fact that I was already worn out from fighting Ed this week made it a recipe for struggle. I had zero control over that meal. I barely had enough to convince my parents that I wasn’t trying to starve myself. I felt really bad about not trying their food but the guilt of having it would have been too much to handle. I shrank away after the meal and barely spoke the rest of the time. All I could do was think about the calories I consumed and couldn’t get rid of.

I think the main cause of excess Ed thoughts this week, other than the fact that it’s holidays and such, is that I injured my foot last week running. It’s extremely painful to even walk so running or exercise in general is out of the question. Each day gets worse as I become more anxious from lack of burned calories. I’m considering running on it tomorrow because that pan is better than having this mental battle everyday. I also have done a super crappy job of utilizing support. I feel like a burden and especially so since it’s the holidays and all. I simply don’t want to be anyone’s problem.

Tomorrow I’m going to try and at least distract myself for a little while. I have lots of space left on my motivational wall and tons of time to write/draw things out. Having no true plans is really hard for me, but I have to manage. If it gets absolutely unbearable I’ll be forced to contact support but I am absolutely not doing it otherwise. (Yes I know this is bad but oh well.)

The Grinch who stole Christmas Eve

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I had a really nice post planned out for tonight. It was going to be full of joy and happiness. Sitting here as I feel right now, I can’t write those words. I am not feeling okay tonight. I’m sorry that this won’t be a great or positive post, but it will be true to how I am doing.

I woke up feeling decent. I was able to down breakfast and relax those first few hours. Just before lunch, however, Ed decided he had other plans. He ruined my Christmas Eve and stole the amazing day from me.

Today was a hard day with food after Ed came into play. I restricted pretty heavily for lunch and dinner. What hurt me even more than that was all of the thoughts racing in my mind. A few months ago, I didn’t think I would be home right now. I was certain I would have been put inpatient. That’s truly where I was headed too. I should be celebrating that fact, and that I have gotten better in a lot of ways, but I’m not. Ed has screamed at me today that because I’m not bad enough to be in a hospital I am huge and worthless. He convinced me that if we saw my aunt this break, she wouldn’t call me “skinny minnie” like last year but would instead stare at all the fat and weight I’ve gained. It’s like all of the sudden I realized all of the food I’ve consumed in recovery and all it’s done to my body. I feel numb and disgusting and appalled.

We went to a beautiful candlelight service at our church tonight. I wish I was more present for it. I tried my best to listen to the verses and songs being sang. I couldn’t bring myself to really sing along or experience any sort of joy. I really hate that Ed ruined it for me. Kim could tell something was wrong, probably from the dead look in my eyes that Ed always gives me, but I didn’t want to worry her.

I want tomorrow to be better but I’m already dreading it. Having family over and the stress that that causes plus being around tons of food really isn’t a good mix for me. I really hope and pray I can somehow have the strength to fight Ed tomorrow, even if it’s just for a little while.

Ramblings

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Fair warning there will probably be a ton of word vomit in this post because I have a lot to process and I don’t feel like burdening someone with it all.

Therapy. It definitely gave me some much-needed processing this week. We talked about the downward spiral that Ed is and steps to stopping it. My goal for the week is to get rid of some stress and tackling some issues the end of the semester brings. I want to make a schedule and checklist because that tends to ease my nerves a bit. I also have to try to eat. This isn’t easy. I feel gross just thinking of the minimums I’m supposed to have. Jenny and I also discussed how I’m ever going to choose college. I want to cry because this disorder is ruining my future college experience. I don’t know how I’m going to make it next year, even if I end up going to Grace where I have support. Realistically I can’t do all of the things I should be. I am terrified what will happen when I’m on my own. Ultimately there’s so much to think about with my future. I also showed her the article I found earlier last week about physiological damage that anorexia causes. That article scared me so much. The more I read about it and look at statistics, I start to give up the notion that I can’t get sick like that. I have this belief that I won’t ever have to deal with those effects, when I’m actually already facing some. There is less and less doubt in my mind that my body will stay healthy if I keep doing this. As I said before, just tons and tons of information to process and go over.

Eating. I want to sugar coat it and say how well I’m doing, but that would be a huge lie. I have gone back to pure restriction, past even where I was most of last year/this summer. I maybe get one meal in. Even if I do get one, it usually is lacking majorly. I know I am starving my body. I know this is slow suicide. I know these things but I can’t stop. I don’t even have to think about lying and throwing away food anymore, I just do. I have guilt from throwing food out and also from eating thee little bit I manage. I don’t think I’ll be able to hide it much longer and that scares me. I’m not sure what to do.

Ed thoughts. Some moments it feels like they’re on a loudspeaker and other times not, mostly because it’s all I hear anymore. I just make decisions solely on Ed and I feel like the real me doesn’t have a voice. I think she’s too far gone to even get back right now…

Doctor appointment. Today I visited my new doctor for the first time. I was so nervous going into it because speaking about my eating disorder and other MH issues is hard. Luckily the nurse there and my doctor were amazing and accommodating. She was respectful and completely different from what I experienced with my pediatrician last year. Right away she pointed out that I have an enlarged thyroid that could be contributing to depression. I asked her why Paul wouldn’t have noticed because she thinks it’s been going on a while. I’ll have to get lots of blood drawn tomorrow for that and labs for the anorexia since I haven’t had a full  workup in almost 5 months(!!!). I’m pretty scared for the results but I know it’s better to catch something early. Maybe it would be motivation to fight harder. Either way I am not going to freak out. It won’t help me any and it won’t change the results. I am in good hands no matter what.

Two and a half weeks. My goal right now is to get through this semester. It’s nearly over now and I absolutely can’t do anything that would jeopardize me finishing. I have to hang in there, even if I feel half-dead most of the time. I will put my health on the line if I have to, not that I’m to that point. I’ll have a month off and whatever needs to be done then can be done. At this point, I don’t think I need treatment again. I don’t really know what I need, but I guess I have time to figure it out. I know that life will get 1000x more stressful food-wise once I’m home all day. I definitely am not looking forward to it, but the thought of spending my time  off in the hospital is not too enticing either. Besides, I can’t be that sick when I’m clearly not as bad off as I was this summer. Maybe that’s Ed talking, oh well.

Pictures from this week:

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Look at all the lovely snow… yuck!
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My lovely NEDA necklace I got for my birthday 🙂
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Milo being all cute and tired
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DELICIOUS asian salad I had for lunch today
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The last three were so hard to write down
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Pretty proud of myself for this
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Basically my feelings for this week in general.

Numb

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My aunt is on heroin again. She called my mom and grandpa and keeps threatening to kill herself. She also is babbling such mean things and screaming insults at my mom. Every time the phone rings I’m terrified she’ll be dead either from suicide or the effects of all the drugs.

Two of my best friends, both who battle various mental illnesses, are in a psychiatric inpatient hospital and a residential treatment center. I know its best for them but it is so hard. I didn’t imagine it would be quite this difficult to deal with. I love them and I know they need help but I still worry so much. I also feel pretty alone since they both were good support and I just miss talking to them period.

College is getting more stressful each day. There’s a month left and I am overwhelmed. Its not even that much work but for whatever reason I can’t cope.

Despite all of the above plus Ed, I can’t feel anything right now. I should be crying or upset but I am so so numb. Its scary actually. I don’t want to smile or act like everything is okay because it clearly isn’t, but that is exactly what I have to do anyways.

For now, I am giving in to Ed. I need to feel something, anything. I am going on a run. I don’t even care about pleasing Paul or whatever. I need to do this.

Maybe after I will feel. Maybe then I can function. Maybe I will get out of bed tomorrow and put on a fake smile and go on that stupid college visit.

All I know is I need God right now. I am going to read scripture and try to get grounded again after. I feel so disconnected from it all and I know He will help me. He’s stronger than all of this even when I’m not.

“Severe”

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Ever since Kim said I have a “severe eating disorder” on Saturday, I have been coming up with reasons it isn’t true. I’ve been so focused on that one word so I naturally told Jenny about it today. I flipped out internally when she agreed.

To me, a severe eating disorder means something like I* from FV. She had been IP for 4 weeks before I went there and got into PHP a few days after I started. I* was a 12 year old anorexic. Her story broke my heart because she was the sweetest girl, but the part that made her so severe was that she had an NG tube and was wheelchair bound the first few weeks of IP. Even once she got to PHP she was the only one forced to have Ensures with every meal. She was tiny. That is the definition of a severe anorexic in my mind.

Obviously, I don’t fit that mold at all. This is why I just can’t accept a severe label.

Both Jenny and Kim disagree with me on that for many reasons I’m sure, some of which Jenny brought up in therapy. She said I am one of her sickest clients and she only saw me last week (she took time off) because she knew I needed it. She talked about the physiological damage EDs have and how deadly they are. I*, was not just severe but at deaths door. I am still restricting tons and having some physical problems but I can’t be that sick. I just can’t.

My thoughts are all over the place. Maybe I have an eating disorder but I’m not bad. I’m not so sick. I absolutely am not a severe case. I could list a thousand reasons to prove my point. In the meantime, I’m going to try and pretend that severe notion was ever mentioned and keep on surviving day by day.

Blech

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Today didn’t go like I wanted. I sit here miserable because I followed Ed so much but also unwilling to do anything different. I know what I have to do to recover but I can’t bring myself to do it. It is the most frustrating thing I’ve experienced.

At some point I’ll have to stop being in this limbo and choose recovery. I’m not too sure what needs to happen for me to get there. I’m already doing a lot to gather support and help, I just don’t put it all into action. This has irrational thinking behind it but to me its all I know.

This week, I have prayed and will continue to pray for guidance. I want to give up my power to Him. I’m not doing well and if I keep going I’ll be in the hospital by the end of the month. I know God has a plan and knows exactly what will get me out of this place. I just have to trust Him over Ed.

Dear Lord,
I am so sorry I’ve strayed and not worked hard in recovery. I am letting Ed come before you and your plan for my life. Please help me put You first. I need your hand to guide me the right way. I so badly need you now Lord. Help me come back to you and give up my control in my eating disorder.
Amen.

Weekend highlights

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Lots happened this weekend and I’ve been way too busy/preoccupied with thoughts to make a really coherent post so here goes.

Women’s conference. Amazing doesn’t really begin to explain it but it was. It was just me and Kim which was nice too. The speakers both had gone through so much in their lives (PTSD, depression, anxiety, eating disorder, abuse, etc.) and I could really relate to it. Their stories were inspiring. I’m still processing so much of it but I know that hearing it will be nothing but good for my recovery. God did huge things in their lives despite everything and He can do it for me too. After the conference I talked with Kim and a counselor from the school she works at about my ED. It was hard to tell another person but I know its a good thing she knows. Kim can have someone to go to and also if I do go to the school next year someone already knows my story. We also chatted with the speakers and they had great advice and input to how I can overcome this. Kim and I are actually going to go through a book Shelly wrote together and I’m pretty excited to see how God works through that.

Lunch out with Kim. I was so nervous going into Saturday. Despite all the good the conference was, I knew that would mean eating out for lunch. We went to Applebee’s and I just shut down. I have such a hard time picking out food from a menu so I turned that over to Kim. She ordered an oriental chicken salad with fried (total freakout here!) chicken for us to share . When the plate got to our table I couldn’t even think but she ended up putting some on my plate for me since I don’t really know how to portion out food anymore. It started out so extremely hard to even try the chicken but somehow about the third bite my anxiety went away. I enjoyed the rest of the meal. Honestly I can’t remember enjoying a new food. Most memories of food in general are so muddled and lost anyways, so having that lunch as a positive experience is huge for me.

Snack after lunch. Kim asked me if I was still hungry on the way home because she was. I told her the truth that I was but Ed says it’s a good thing. We decided to stop at the mall and get blizzards from DQ. I ate the whole thing and I didn’t die from it. I didn’t gain ten pounds. That fact blows my mind.

Church/Sunday school. I really enjoyed church. The president of the bible college I am hopefully going to was there with a quartet of students as well. It was amazing to hear all of their experiences after being at the school the day before. Every time I hear more about that school it solidifies more how much I want to go there. Its small and everyone is close and Christian. Plus Mama Joyce and Kim work there. My parents aren’t really sold yet but I know that’s where I want to end up.

Youth group. We had another great activity last night. I showed the girls “Who you are a message to all women” which is a video by the anima series. Its such an inspiring clip about what it really means to be a daughter of God. There’s also one geared toward men that Rick showed the guys. For the activity part, we wrote “I am” on a paper then different statements about ourselves, both positive and negative. Then we shared 3 good and 3 bad with the group. After this we watched the video and then wrote more “I am” statements on the back that all had to be positive and agree with the message of the video. I think it really puts into perspective how God sees us and who we really are verses what we think of ourselves. The girls really liked this activity and I want to do more along the lines of this and the last one in the future too. I love planning all of these awesome things for them.

I’ve left out all the negative events that happened this weekend. Mostly it has to do with overwhelming Ed thoughts and way more restriction than normal. Also I downloaded some not so great apps I deleted last year that track calories/weight loss… I know that I need to change if I ever expect to have a future but it’s so so hard. I can’t do it for me right now. I can barely do it for others to be honest. This week I want to try and combine some different ideas like recovering for those who love me, taking it one meal at a time, distractions for meal time, holding myself accountable, thinking of Kim and Lily who are going through similar issues, and leaning on God. I want to have a better week. I’m sick of being stuck here.

On recovery

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When I started this whole recovery process, I never thought I would still be sitting where I’m at now. I had some idea about recovery being challenging, but I figured it got easier. I expected it to get easier each day. I thought I would be pretty good by now. I didn’t imagine I would still be in therapy and struggling more now than when I was out of treatment.

Recovery isn’t a path that’s always moving up. That’s not even close to what I’ve experienced lately.

I’ll be the first to tell you that recovery can plain suck. There is no sugar coating my bad days, like the past two-ish weeks. It’s a constant battle that you don’t always want to fight. It’s tons of crying and hating where you are and being uncomfortable. The Ed thoughts can feel so loud and overpowering.

Despite how hard recovery is and has been for me lately, I think it’s important to look at my good days.

Good days pre-recovery meant eating as little as possible. This would lead to me having no energy at all, being moody, and plain miserable. Sure, I was thin. Yeah, I did get noticed for that. In truth, however, I wasn’t happy. It was all euphoria that Ed produced to hide all the hurt I was actually feeling.

Even with how much Ed has been trying to convince me I’ve done well these past few weeks, a part of me knows deep down that isn’t true. I have felt terrible. I don’t have energy for school or my youth girls or photography. I can’t stop thinking of food. I have no hope for the future again. I have lost some weight, but I still hate my body. I am having way more depressive and anxiety thoughts. I am starting to believe it isn’t worth following Ed if I have to deal with all this.

Good days in recovery are what I want to live. Even having part of a day that’s good is way better than my best days pre-recovery. In recovery I am making new friends. I am helping others. I am a youth leader. I am laughing and smiling. I can eat and be okay with it. I can enjoy what the world has to offer.

I want to offer a quick comparison. Last Wednesday, I was at the church for Awana after following Ed all day. I barely talked to anyone. I’m pretty sure I didn’t smile once. I wanted to sleep. People kept asking if I was okay. I didn’t want to be there at all. Fast forward to Sunday and there was a complete flip. I followed my meal plan for breakfast then headed to church. I got more hugs than I could count that morning. I could smile. I paid attention to the sermon. After lunch, I went with the youth pastor’s family to their daughter’s soccer game and then to the church. I laughed so much at the game. I took tons of great pictures. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. I ate when we got back to the church. It was challenging, but I had Kim and her daughter there supporting me. I felt good after doing it. Overall, that day was one of the funnest in a very long time.

It’s easy to see that my good days for Ed are bad for me, and vice versa. I want to live again. I want more days like Sunday and far less like Wednesday. I am going to fight this demon.

God didn’t design me to suffer from this disorder forever. I am not going to be 40 and still sick. He has such bigger plans for me that I can’t even begin to comprehend yet. The first step towards them is recovery. I absolutely need to stick through with this. I am going to push forward. One step at a time, I will defeat anorexia.

Late night update

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So it’s 11:36 and I can’t sleep, so I suppose it’s a good time for the update I’ve been avoiding.

This week has been hell. I haven’t had this bad of a week ED wise since about three weeks post FV when I had a little slip up. This slip up, well it isn’t so little. Without going into triggering and unnecessary details, I will try to explain how I’ve been. It’s hard to pinpoint a time when I started slipping. It came slowly at first but then I just plunged right back into Ed. He was waiting for me with open arms and I ran to him. I have exercised more than I should, not eaten enough, and used some behaviors and lies so that my family doesn’t know at all. I halfway feel guilty about that but Ed is whispering how wonderful I’m doing. The one way I do see that maybe this is wrong is with how absolutely miserable I am feeling. I have no energy, high depressive thoughts, and no personality. I sat there almost in tears on Wednesday at the church and I never ever am not smiling there.

To say that I’ve been stressed lately is a HUGE understatement. Things on my mind include having to apply to colleges and worry about if I got in even though I won’t know for 2-4 weeks at least, two of my close friends going into a psychiatric hospital in the past two weeks (I’m glad they’re safe but I still worry about them both), having some youth situations this week involving eating and if I will negatively impact the girls with my eating, tests/a lab practical/midterm in my classes, scheduling for my final semester at CC, telling the other girls eventually, and writing a philosophy paper that I didn’t start until today. It doesn’t help that my anxiety tends make every worry ten times worse. Also, since the Ed stuff has worsened I also have all of those things constantly on my mind. This has made it harder to focus at all.

The only person who knows of my struggles right now other than Jenny (she doesn’t know THAT much either…) is Kim. I haven’t even spoken to her since Sunday, but at that point she thought I needed to tell my mom if it didn’t stop this week. Their family is coming over tomorrow night for dinner so I highly doubt she’ll ask there, but I know the conversation is coming. I don’t know what to tell her. I can be honest and probably freak her out and have her tell my parents if I don’t. I’m so scared of that. I don’t want to upset her or burden her with that kind of information. Also, there’s Ed screaming to shut up and keep this to myself. No option looks good right now.

I see both Paul and Jenny Tuesday. Again, I have no clue whether to be honest or not. I always always have been in therapy prior to this. I feel no need to lie when they’re trying to help me. This is different though. If I don’t tell them I can continue like this. I can take control for a while. At the same time, I know my parents will realize eventually. That eventually is realistically only a week or two away at the rate I’m going.

I’m so confused. I want to recover, but that is so low on my priority list right now. I have so much going on and Ed is easier. It’s just like last year. I gave in to Ed then because I felt out of control and I feel that way now too. This isn’t good.

So after all those jumbled thoughts I am going to spend some time in prayer tonight. I need to get grounded again. I also need some sleep after that. I know God is with me, even as I’ve been straying away from Him this week. He will work through me still. I know it. I need His guidance now.

Stopping this spiral

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It’s happening again. I am obsessing over food. I am restricting. I can’t think anymore. Food is on my mind all day.

I want to cry and scream and make it stop. I am so sick of living this way!

I am going to try. I need to try.

I need to fight back against anorexia. Ed is so loud and he needs to shut up. I am going to fight. I am going to reach out. I can’t fall again. I have to keep going, for my family, for my treatment team, for my support, for my girls, for all the people who love me, for the girls I met in treatment, for myself.