Until yesterday, it had been somewhere around five months (maybe more?) since I’d last stepped on the treadmill. I’ve been itching to get back on lately. I went home specifically so I would be watched and unable to sneak in a run, but I was home alone a few hours and did so anyways. I know one time on the treadmill is nothing to some people, but I am not one of them.

My ED used to be what J called exercise purging. If I felt guilty for the food I ate that day, I’d run. If something set me off and I felt depressed or anxious, I would run. If I was numb, I’d run. She also felt it was an addiction. I loved being able to count every calorie I burned and push myself to do it longer, faster, and more miles. In the months leading up to FV round 1, I exercised (usually on the treadmill) an hour a day. Each day after PHP I would run again, lying to my parents that it was okay. This began to slow and finally stopped. I still ran, but not as often at all. I thought my little problem was over. I was wrong.

Yoga became my new exercise of choice. Just like the running, my focus was burning calories and losing weight. I would do videos that were more cardio/weight loss style rather than something that made my body feel better. I got more sore and exhausted from some of these workouts than any runs I went on. I was obsessed with it. And then FV round two happened and suddenly I was once again told not to exercise so much anymore. The first month of college I had a pretty good relationship with exercise. I went rock climbing at least twice a week and did yoga nearly every day, but not to the intensity as before. I loved getting stronger and pushing myself, but not in an unhealthy way.

That leads us to today. After my injury at the end of September I was restricted from all exercise up until last Monday. I’ve been itching to run for a long time. I asked the psychiatrist, my RA, supports, and even mentioned it to my mom. All of them agreed it was a bad idea, but i ignored their advise. I brought it up to Laura last Friday, who didn’t get how I could ever think she would be okay with me doing it right now. Obviously I didn’t exactly listen.

I’m not really sure what my relationship with the treadmill will be now. I want to continue running and also practicing yoga and rock climbing. I love being active. At the same time, the recovery part of me knows this can go downhill really fast. Because of my past, I will be cautious. I’m not going to lie to either L or S. I already promised to mark any and all exercise on my meal plan checklist. If they continue to tell me no on some of these things, I will try to listen.

I may be able to use the treadmill in a healthy way this time. I hope so.