2017 was a pretty rough year. Much of the focus (and problem) has been my eating disorder. I’ve spent around four months in treatment: IOP, a few month break, residential, PHP, and IOP again. Now, I’m struggling again. Amidst the hard things, growth has come too. I’ll talk more about this in a post soon. I want to make 2018 different and the best/healthiest year yet.

Goals for the year:

• No treatment!!! I have spent the past 4 years in at least one form of a higher level of care. It’s hard not to feel like a failure when I think of this. I don’t want my life to revolve around my eating disorder in this way again. However, I want to promise myself and my team that if treatment becomes necessary I will go.
• Thrive in nursing school – both semesters. I have so much to look forward to with school this year. Spring is pregnant women, infants, children, and adolescents. I’m especially excited for this semester because my top choice is to work at Helen Devos Children’s Hospital in the NICU or pediatrics. I also have labor and delivery on my list. Overall I thing it will be a great time. Fall will be young, middle, and older adults. We’ll be doing med-surg. This should be interesting while working in the ICU. Overall, I have a ton to learn and work more towards my dream.
• Start to develop a healthier and relationship with and view of my body/self. This is a tall order considering I can’t remember a time when I felt too positive here. I want to make this more open-ended because even a small step matters. I know that recovery will help to grow here.
• Isolate less. Whenever anxiety, stress, depression, and the ED are stronger I tend to isolate. I spend so much time in my room that I get nervous to venture outside. I want to tart doing things with others again.
• Blogging much more – at least once per week. I feel good when I blog. It fills me up, whether it’s another TFHR, awareness post, or really anything. This is my favorite creative outlet. Being intentional about my time and penciling this in is important to me.
• Try to keep more on top of anxiety/stress. This is one challenging task while I’m going through school. I have to take more time to use skills and thought stopping. If I can manage this, I know it can decrease my ED at least a little.
• Get through this target/focus of EMDR. I feel pretty hopeless about this at times. 3 months sometimes seems like too long. I have to extend myself grace here and put my all into this. I have to believe I deserve freedom.
• Take more pictures. I haven’t picked up my DSLR in a year, maybe more. The motivation jusst isn’t there, yet I do truly miss it. I know that I’ll fall back in love with it again.
• Increase me and decrease Ed. Stop being one foot in and one foot out. Become intentional about recovery and make it a priority. How much I’m struggling determines nearly everything in my life. The ED has power over me. If it continues I will end back in treatment. I may never be able to finish nursing. Recovery will save me.
• Less “blah” time on social media. I tend to spend a lot of time scrolling through social media. I sometimes get a little lost in it. This isn’t the healthiest considering some things people post. Instead, I could read a book, blog, play sims, etc. I want to fill my time with these instead.
• Journal more. Journaling also benefits me greatly. I love to get out my thoughts and feelings on paper. This is also a really great way to remember events and look at both my growth and struggle.
• Take it one day at a time. I tend to be future and past focused. This keeps me distracted from the here and now. I can’t keep worrying about the future to the point of stunting my own growth. I think I could decrease my anxiety this way too.
• Smaller, specific goals:
  • eat my meal plan to the best I am able
  • have more meals in the dining hall
  • attend floor dinners – at least 2/month
  • reach out more to friends
  • set study/school time and fun time as well
  • go out with friends more often – at least 3/month to start off
  • Be honest in therapy, dietitian appointments, visits with Dr. C, and meetings with my psychiatrist
  • check in with my goals and intentions at least once a month
  • use my DBT skills
  • continue attending groups, biweekly therapy, and weekly dietitian appointments for as long as I need
  • eat at least 5 times a day
  • come up with more goals as necessary 🙂

Intention for the year: work on not allowing numbers to control me anymore. I set this 2 weeks ago in group. I definitely am controlled by a variety of numbers currently. My grades determine how I view myself. Weight (estimated mostly or accidentally saw at an appointment) shows how bad or good I’m doing. Amount of calories burned and time spent exercising show how close I am to my goals. Exchanges met show my progress. This will be a pretty huge shift in my thinking and behavior. It won’t be easy at all. Changing something that has significantly impacted my life for years is radical. I’m ready. Numbers are just numbers. They don’t prove if you’re a good or bad person. It doesn’t even completely show how I’m doing in recovery. They don’t really matter.

Word of the year: WORTHY. I also chose this 2 weeks ago. For years, my word has been resilient. I’ve tried to live that to the best of my abilities, although that hasn’t been simple or easy. I wanted to change it up (I’ll certainly still focus on resilience, though). Worthy extends to many areas of my life. For so long, I’ve never viewed myself as important enough to matter. I feel too inadequate. Deep down, I don’t fully believe I am worth of recovery. I’m not worthy enough to go through EMDR. People shouldn’t care about me. I need to change this all. It will be hard work. I’m ready, or at least I’ll try to convince myself that until I believe it 🙂

Do you have any goals or intentions for the new year? I would love to hear them!