I am happy, oh so happy.
I seriously have not felt this good in a really long time.
I think a lot of my happiness comes from spending 40ish hours at the church this week between youth group, Awana, preparing for the rummage sale, and actually working the rummage sale. I love my people there and it always turns a bad day good. It is wonderful to love and be loved.
I have also spent hours and hours in prayer and reading God’s word in preparation for my talk with the HS girls. I thought it would be hard to do this but it felt so freeing! It’s real about my struggle but it also has a positive spin on all the things God has blessed me with from this disorder. Anorexia sucks, it really does. I am already seeing the many ways that my life is for the better after having this illness, however. I know I wouldn’t be a youth leader now. I wouldn’t be as close to God as I am again. I don’t know what my life would be like without having suffered. I wholeheartedly believe that He is using me and my story for His glory. It was not easy to go through at all but I am glad I did. It’s weird and wonderful all at the same time. Overall I am super excited to tell my story next week. I feel so good about it and I know these girls will be receptive as well.
Another reason for happiness today is I reconnected with miss Dani! She commented on my instagram post about telling the girls, so I decided to reach out to her via text. I am so glad I did. We talked for a long time and shared wisdom of God’s love and plan for both of our lives. It was just like old times again. I want to continue talking with her. I have no doubt that we can become closer again.
I was slightly disappointed today because youth group was cancelled (although I was exhausted and mentally wiped from the abuse seminar) but then Rick texted and said our HS lock in will be this Friday. I am super excited for this because I think it’ll be a great time to grow closer and get to know the girls before I have the serious talk with them. It will be a night of fun of course too!
I am not letting anything get in the way of my happiness this week. I have class all day tomorrow which will be tiring but manageable. Tuesday is therapy with Jenny and I am feeling much more positive about it than last week. I also will show her my outline for the talk with my girls and go over that. My chem lecture after it will be boring but not too bad. Wednesday is another long day, but it will be great because A) Christian fellowship club (Rick is coming this week!) and B) Wednesday night Awana at the church. Thursday is nothing other than resting probably and Friday is the lock in. Then Saturday I’ll sleep and Sunday is church and the girl’s outing/telling them. Also hoping to meet with Rick/Kim before then to chat about it. Overall it’s a busy week but in a good way. Busy helps me stay away from Ed and being with church kids/people is never a bad thing.
I am feeling good about this week, good about recovery, and good about myself. Overflowing with positivity is a new thing but oh so welcomed.
Today was amazing. I knew it would be good and fun but it was even better than expected. I am full of love and life and happiness.
We went apple picking with a group from our church and then came back and baked apple pies. Before all that, we had church, sunday school, and a luncheon.
The message today was really really good. It spoke to me because it was all about how God will bring you through battles that will ultimately make you stronger. My eating disorder is the hugest battle in my life right now and I am beginning to see how I can use my testimony and all of that pain I’ve gone through as something positive.
On that note, I took Kim aside because I wanted to touch base with her on telling the high school girls and how I could prepare. We had a really great talk. She is beyond supportive and understanding. I couldn’t ask for a better support outside of therapy and MH professionals. We decided to hod it off an extra week because she and a couple of girls won’t be there next week, but by doing that we will be making a much better time arrangement. The boys all will be paint-balling so we’ll have just girls meet up and talk then go to the park or coffee shop. I am going to talk some about my past before the ED and then really focus on my struggle and how my relationship with God has been affected. I have some great verses I’ve found about beauty and things that I’ll share too. I want to make them comfortable but also have them see me as who I really am: broken but made whole b God. I want them to ask questions or come to me for things they have going on too. I have no doubt that they will also be supportive as well. I was pretty nervous at first, but as I talk more with Kim and plan it out I am glad to be doing this. I am also thankful to have her there because I know it will still be hard to talk about. I am praying for the right words and that I can make some kind of impact on them.
I didn’t end up helping with sunday school today and instead prepared lunch with some other women. It was pretty fun and we joked around tons as always. Lunch was walking tacos and it was pretty doable. I freaked out a bit but in the end I ate. It definitely helped to have my middle school girls sitting at the table because I had huge motivation to eat right.
After lunch we finally headed to the orchard. The car rides there and back were a huge highlight. I sat by the sweetest little girl and two HS girls and showed them tons of chinchilla pictures. We also played around with some of the boys there. I don’t think there was more than a minute where we weren’t laughing. Apple picking was also great. We ended up with 12 bushes and ate tons of apples too.
Baking pies was so so fun too. I was on the mixing/filling pies table with some HS girls and we had a blast. I was really glad to spend time with them since I hadn’t too much before. We baked 110 apple pies and had lots of laughter, smiles, and stolen apple pieces as we “tested if they were edible.”
I don’t feel so alone anymore. I have my church family and they are the best people I could ever ask for. I was hugged no less than 20 times today from youth girls, an adorable one year old, Rick, Kim, and so many others. I am loved. They all believe I deserve to be happy. They all see so much worth in me. Many of them look up to me. It doesn’t matted what the ED voice tries to say because nothing can take away how any of them feel.