Hello again.

I feel like I blinked and January is 2/3 of the way over and my interim class ends tomorrow. I have had so much (too much?) free time, and yet haven’t been able to write a single blog post this year. I’m hoping that the rest of 2019 is a whole lot more prolific post-wise than the first 22 days have been.

The lack of posts isn’t due to having nothing to write about. There’s always at least 5 ideas running through my head. Instead, I once again have this perfectionist voice that is loud every time I’ve sat down to write. It whispers (or sometime screams) things like: you aren’t that interesting, you’re not doing well enough in recovery, that story doesn’t matter, this would show how broken you are, what if there’s a typo and you sound stupid. Having to fight these thoughts quickly kills my interest in blogging. My drafts are filled up with more half written posts and the blog stays stagnant.

One intention of the new year is to treat blogging differently. I want to be able to share again about what’s going on without freaking out too much if I have minor grammatical errors or if a post doesn’t do so well in terms of views/comments/likes. I hope to be honest about where I’m at because recovery and life in general is not perfect. My ultimate goal is to have blogging as an outlet again because I miss it.

I will be back soon, I really do promise this time 🙂

Intention assignment

It has been a crazy two weeks. I was pretty busy during spring break (treatment 2 days, recovery book club, trip to the butterfly exhibit/GR, movie, shopping x3). I also ended up with a sinus infection and lung infection of some sort. I got antibiotics called in Wednesday and then actually went to the doctor Friday (more on this soon) and added steroids. Also, Thursday I went to treatment even though I felt like I was half dead… I’m still on the mend from that but I feel a ton better. Now that I’m not so exhausted I’ll definitely be posting again 🙂

Yesterday I was at (basically) IOP. We had experiential group which has always been a favorite of mine. The focus was on intention. We went to the library and each chose our own little area to sit. There was an article to read and then an assignment with 4 questions to think about. I kinda loved it. I was able to get some good insight. I don’t often think of these things. Here are my responses, although I probably will expand on them at some point:

Who am I? I am a human being who has value and purpose in this world. I am a daughter, nursing student, writer, Christian, animal lover, and friend. I struggle greatly with my mental health, but I am not defined by it and I will not allow these struggles to hold me back. I am resilient. I have overcome many hard things. I am stubborn, which can be used in positive and negative ways. I am a dreamer. I have plans for my future. I can imagine a healthy and fulfilling future for myself. I am going to be a nurse. I cannot wait to combine my love of medicine and caring towards others into my career. I strive to help and support others, especially my friends. I try to see the best in others. I am learning more about myself every day and I know this is a lifelong journey. I believe in God and lean on Him because I cannot do this on my own. I am a survivor. I will not let my past hold me back.

What do I want? I want freedom. I am held back by my struggles now. I don’t want this to define my life anymore. I want to explore my passions fully. I want a family one day. I want to be a wife and a mother. I want to be the best nurse possible. I want to be an inspiration to others. I want to rescue animals.

How can I serve? I will be a light others who have similar stories of struggle as I have, and I want to be able to show them that things get better. I will give them support and be someone to lean on. I will be an advocate for mental health and EDs. I will fight to decrease stigma and encourage others to seek out help. I will share my story. I will care for my patients and provide them with the best possible care. I will help to save and foster animals. I will use my voice to fight for causes I believe in. I will be Jesus’ hands and feet. I will strive to show empathy and compassion towards everyone I come across.

What does the universe want from me? What is my purpose/God’s plan? To be authentic and honest, so I can encourage others to do the same. Using my story as a testimony. Fulfilling my vocation of nursing to the best of my ability. Raise my future children to be the best little people possible.

A note: in being authentic, this is exactly how I wrote and isn’t the most grammatically correct/best word choices ever