Before I get to what happened today, I have to add the back-story of what the past month has entailed. Trust me, it shows how much a little thing like today can mean a lot more to someone in a depressive/bad state. My thoughts have been terrible. I am not exaggerating when I say this but they are the worst I can remember (depression wise) ever. I honestly can’t remember ever feeling so bad about myself. Something as small as accidentally bumping into someone or having my mom get irritated at me causes crying spells and a flood of bad thoughts. I can’t find things I like about myself. I don’t have confidence in anything I do. I am paranoid about every friendship I have and feel like a burden constantly. I can’t begin to describe how much I hate my body, the things I do, who I am, and myself in general. I will spare the exact thoughts because to be honest I am too ashamed to share them. I’m sure even without them it’s apparent how I’ve been.
That brings us to today. I have had a really crappy day. I didn’t want to wake up or go to school. I skipped Christian Fellowship because I feel like I’m too broken/bad lately and I don’t deserve to have support or love from them. I had lunch Erin and restricted pretty heavily (while tricking her into thinking I am fine). I’ve missed Forest View so much. I wanted to come home and do more self-destructive things. I was going to until my mom and I happened to go into the grocery store.
A lady from our old old church (who I haven’t talked to in gosh like 5 years?) stopped us as we were passing by. I was kind of confused at first when she started thanking me for sharing my stuff on Facebook. Then she started asking about treatment and I realized she was actually talking about all of my posts for NEDA week. I think the rest of the conversation was spent with my jaw dropped because I couldn’t believe any of it. She told me she knew someone who wasn’t doing well and struggles with an eating disorder. I had nothing but praise to give her about Forest View. I have never talked so openly to basically a stranger about this stuff before. I offered to speak with the person she knew if needed. After thanking my mom and I for our help, we went our separate ways.
I have to admit the conversation didn’t suddenly convince me that I’m a good person or anything, but it brightened my day. I helped someone. Sure it’s in a really indirect way and I may never actually know the results of it, but i did it. I shared my story with hundreds of near strangers. I opened up the opportunity for others to come to me about similar issues. I mad a difference in a tiny way.
I’m still dealing with a ton of thoughts I’d rather not have right now. It’s still a hard day. BUT, I know I would be much worse off if I hadn’t had that short encounter today. God knew that I needed to hear something like that today. It wasn’t chance that we crossed paths. He wanted to show me love someway today because I needed it badly. I am so thankful for that.
Usually when I don’t think through things to make a decision, I end up doing something negative. I’ll restrict or exercise or otherwise follow the Ed voice most of the time.
Today’s decision, on the other hand, was very positive. I chose to go to the Christian Fellowship Club with a friend after class. I LOVED it. It’s a small group and we’re the only girls, but it’s nice. Everyone else was so kind and I think it will be good for me to be spiritually challenged once a week. It’s spending time with people. It’s getting to be away from Ed.
I was able to eat lunch after our meeting. I had strength. I feel good today. I feel better than i have.
Usually i have a really hard time meeting new people. I’m always afraid of how badly they will think of me. These people didn’t see me the way I do though. They didn’t see someone who feels overweight. They didn’t see me as struggling and not put together. They saw me as a child of God. They saw me exactly how God sees me. I want to see myself that way. Our conversation was about our identity as Christians and it was exactly what I needed to hear. We are all God’s masterpieces. It doesn’t matter how broken I feel because God is going to use that brokenness to do His work.
I want to continue to strengthen my faith. I want to be able to see the real me. I want to lean on God and follow His plans for me. This is another way I am going to get to do that and I am excited. This year is going to be different from lat in the best way.
Ed thoughts have consumed me today.
I had to restrict for breakfast even though that’s usually fine for me.
I accidentally on purpose followed my friend after my lecture so then I had to walk way around the school in order to get where I wanted to go.
I restricted heavily (this is looking like last fall now) for lunch.
Snacks? Ed would never let me snack.
I have been on the verge of tears because all I can think about is how disgusting I am.
Dinner tonight at church is giving me huge anxiety and I almost want to fake sick to get out of it.
Ed turned a compliment of how much better I look into how much fatter I am.
I can’t wait to get home because I know Ed will make me lie to my parents and talk about how wonderful today was.
I haven’t been able to focus on schoolwork at all today because Ed won’t let my thoughts be about anything but calories and weight and everything else.
I need to take back my thoughts but I honestly don’t know how right now. I feel trapped. I am a puppet. A lot of me is fine with this but a small part knows that this is bad. I feel like I’m spiraling again. I don’t know what to do because even as I have worked hard in PHP and still am working everyday it’s so easy for all pro-recovery thoughts to be pushed aside. This time around I actually feel out of control because I’ve learned more of what it looks like when I am in control and not Ed. I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to be doing this in ten or fifteen or thirty years. Things need to change.
Today was pretty low key and honestly not too bad. I got to spend some time zoning out to crime shows which is always good. We went to the traveling Vietnam war wall and it was humbling to see all of those men who gave their lives for freedom. I took about 700 pictures in the hour before sunset and it was absolutely gorgeous. I have waited for a good one and tonight didn’t dissapoint at all. Ed thoughts were pretty strong but I did manage to eat half a grinder from my favorite place up here for dinner so that was a win. The best part about tonight was the fire. Its just the regulars here this week and I was finally deemed old enough to stay late with the other women. I definitely got scarred as usual but it was so fun and I learned lots more than I planned. Today was all right 🙂