Hello again.

I feel like I blinked and January is 2/3 of the way over and my interim class ends tomorrow. I have had so much (too much?) free time, and yet haven’t been able to write a single blog post this year. I’m hoping that the rest of 2019 is a whole lot more prolific post-wise than the first 22 days have been.

The lack of posts isn’t due to having nothing to write about. There’s always at least 5 ideas running through my head. Instead, I once again have this perfectionist voice that is loud every time I’ve sat down to write. It whispers (or sometime screams) things like: you aren’t that interesting, you’re not doing well enough in recovery, that story doesn’t matter, this would show how broken you are, what if there’s a typo and you sound stupid. Having to fight these thoughts quickly kills my interest in blogging. My drafts are filled up with more half written posts and the blog stays stagnant.

One intention of the new year is to treat blogging differently. I want to be able to share again about what’s going on without freaking out too much if I have minor grammatical errors or if a post doesn’t do so well in terms of views/comments/likes. I hope to be honest about where I’m at because recovery and life in general is not perfect. My ultimate goal is to have blogging as an outlet again because I miss it.

I will be back soon, I really do promise this time 🙂

2018: intention, goals, and word of the year.

2017 was a pretty rough year. Much of the focus (and problem) has been my eating disorder. I’ve spent around four months in treatment: IOP, a few month break, residential, PHP, and IOP again. Now, I’m struggling again. Amidst the hard things, growth has come too. I’ll talk more about this in a post soon. I want to make 2018 different and the best/healthiest year yet.

Goals for the year:

  • No treatment!!! I have spent the past 4 years in at least one form of a higher level of care. It’s hard not to feel like a failure when I think of this. I don’t want my life to revolve around my eating disorder in this way again. However, I want to promise myself and my team that if treatment becomes necessary I will go.
  • Thrive in nursing school – both semesters. I have so much to look forward to with school this year. Spring is pregnant women, infants, children, and adolescents. I’m especially excited for this semester because my top choice is to work at Helen Devos Children’s Hospital in the NICU or pediatrics. I also have labor and delivery on my list. Overall I thing it will be a great time. Fall will be young, middle, and older adults. We’ll be doing med-surg. This should be interesting while working in the ICU. Overall, I have a ton to learn and work more towards my dream.
  • Start to develop a healthier and relationship with and view of my body/self. This is a tall order considering I can’t remember a time when I felt too positive here. I want to make this more open-ended because even a small step matters. I know that recovery will help to grow here.
  • Isolate less. Whenever anxiety, stress, depression, and the ED are stronger I tend to isolate. I spend so much time in my room that I get nervous to venture outside. I want to tart doing things with others again.
  • Blogging much more – at least once per week. I feel good when I blog. It fills me up, whether it’s another TFHR, awareness post, or really anything. This is my favorite creative outlet. Being intentional about my time and penciling this in is important to me.
  • Try to keep more on top of anxiety/stress. This is one challenging task while I’m going through school. I have to take more time to use skills and thought stopping. If I can manage this, I know it can decrease my ED at least a little.
  • Get through this target/focus of EMDR. I feel pretty hopeless about this at times. 3 months sometimes seems like too long. I have to extend myself grace here and put my all into this. I have to believe I deserve freedom.
  • Take more pictures. I haven’t picked up my DSLR in a year, maybe more. The motivation jusst isn’t there, yet I do truly miss it. I know that I’ll fall back in love with it again.
  • Increase me and decrease Ed. Stop being one foot in and one foot out. Become intentional about recovery and make it a priority. How much I’m struggling determines nearly everything in my life. The ED has power over me. If it continues I will end back in treatment. I may never be able to finish nursing. Recovery will save me.
  • Less “blah” time on social media. I tend to spend a lot of time scrolling through social media. I sometimes get a little lost in it. This isn’t the healthiest considering some things people post. Instead, I could read a book, blog, play sims, etc. I want to fill my time with these instead.
  • Journal more. Journaling also benefits me greatly. I love to get out my thoughts and feelings on paper. This is also a really great way to remember events and look at both my growth and struggle.
  • Take it one day at a time. I tend to be future and past focused. This keeps me distracted from the here and now. I can’t keep worrying about the future to the point of stunting my own growth. I think I could decrease my anxiety this way too.
  • Smaller, specific goals:
    • eat my meal plan to the best I am able
    • have more meals in the dining hall
    • attend floor dinners – at least 2/month
    • reach out more to friends
    • set study/school time and fun time as well
    • go out with friends more often – at least 3/month to start off
    • Be honest in therapy, dietitian appointments, visits with Dr. C, and meetings with my psychiatrist
    • check in with my goals and intentions at least once a month
    • use my DBT skills
    • continue attending groups, biweekly therapy, and weekly dietitian appointments for as long as I need
    • eat at least 5 times a day
    • come up with more goals as necessary 🙂

Intention for the year: work on not allowing numbers to control me anymore. I set this 2 weeks ago in group. I definitely am controlled by a variety of numbers currently. My grades determine how I view myself. Weight (estimated mostly or accidentally saw at an appointment) shows how bad or good I’m doing. Amount of calories burned and time spent exercising show how close I am to my goals. Exchanges met show my progress. This will be a pretty huge shift in my thinking and behavior. It won’t be easy at all. Changing something that has significantly impacted my life for years is radical. I’m ready. Numbers are just numbers. They don’t prove if you’re a good or bad person. It doesn’t even completely show how I’m doing in recovery. They don’t really matter.

Word of the year: WORTHY. I also chose this 2 weeks ago. For years, my word has been resilient. I’ve tried to live that to the best of my abilities, although that hasn’t been simple or easy. I wanted to change it up (I’ll certainly still focus on resilience, though). Worthy extends to many areas of my life. For so long, I’ve never viewed myself as important enough to matter. I feel too inadequate. Deep down, I don’t fully believe I am worth of recovery. I’m not worthy enough to go through EMDR. People shouldn’t care about me. I need to change this all. It will be hard work. I’m ready, or at least I’ll try to convince myself that until I believe it 🙂


Do you have any goals or intentions for the new year? I would love to hear them!

2016 -> 2017

11 whole days into 2017 before I finally was able to finish this post. I blame perfectionism and huge lack of motivation, but now I have the itch to blog again 🙂


2016 was a time of… change (so, so, so much change), joy, growth, isolation, discovery, friendship, grief, loss, struggle, faithfulness. I kept on living through it all.

The good

  • doing very well in my spring semester
  • attending my new church and growing close to everyone there
  • Ludington – the healthiest year in a very long time
  • a summer where I was eating well with tons of energy
  • work to keep me busy
  • finishing my Fall semester despite how much Ed tried to take it away
  • learning a ton about myself
  • practicing assertiveness to put my needs first
  • experiencing many days where the eating disorder was barely there at all
  • hugs, prayers, good conversations, and lots of love
  • slowly beginning to accept the changes in my life

What I hope to leave behind

  • Toxic relationships. There are many situations to which this applies, not only the people I must separate myself from. These are people I was close to, but it was not healthy for me at all. Carrying their burdens and triggering conversations hurt my recovery and added anxiety. I know that was a two-way street. I hope they also realize why this needed to happen. Deleting and blocking negative influences online has been just as difficult. I follow numerous accounts who are “recovering” or pro-ana, etc. The sickness in me looks at them as comparisons and inspiration. I get invested in their lives. This exists on multiple platforms: instagram, Facebook, blogs, Youtube. I am combing through them little by little. I feel connected to these people and the triggering information. Ed doesn’t want me to give them up, which is exactly why I need to. I have to detach from these negative influences in my life before they bring me down further.
  • Isolation. I can count on one hand the number of times I did anything with anyone last semester. Outside of class, appointments, or leaving campus, I rarely left my room. I would stay there from midafternoon on, adventuring out only to get ice or make a smoothie. It is a sad existence to be alone all of the time. I’m hoping to make small strides towards new friendships and experiences.
  • “Just scraping by.” Well, here’s something that applies to many (and most, as of late) areas of my life. I put just enough effort into my classes this year to get the grades I absolutely needed. I’m honestly surprised I didn’t screw that up more. I barely fought Ed enough to finish out the semester/year without being in residential or IP. This fall at work proved I am not myself on restriction
  • My focus revolving around the ED. I would say around 90% or more of my thoughts this last year (mainly the end of it) were on food, weight, calories, exercise, my body shape and size, weight, restriction, looking up all sorts of ED things on the web (tips, health complications, weight loss calculators, etc). I’ve been in a place where Ed consumes almost every waking moment. This left no room for anything else, good or bad. If I want to accomplish any of my dreams or simply live a better life this needs to change.

Hopes for the new year

  • Really get something out of IOP, even if (but hopefully not) that means a referral to a higher form of treatment
  • Grow closer to my mom again by letting her in
  • Start nursing classes in the fall while being in a healthy place to do so
  • Find meaningful friendships at Calvin
  • Self-discovery. Who am I really without my eating disorder? Who do I want to become?
  • Have activities that bring me joy: photography, reading, exploring, spending time in nature, going to the movies, trying new things,  and of course blogging 🙂
  • Turn to positive ways of coping when I need them
  • Making this year different in a good way
  • Prove to myself that I am resilient, strong, worthy, lovable, and capable of pursuing recovery fully

I really enjoyed making this list as an inspiration for myself. A new year is always a time to start over and make changes. I don’t want to call these resolutions, but they are certainly what I hope to work towards.

I wish everyone a happy new year and pray that you also can find positive change in 2017! 

2016

I’ve never been much of a fan of New Year’s resolutions. Why is it so necessary to decide on so many things you need to change about yourself in the new year when there isn’t anything wrong with you in the first place? So no, I won’t be committing to any resolutions this year. Instead, I am making positive goals and hopes for myself that I will work on from beginning to end.

  1. Practice self-compassion. 
  2. Make meaningful relationships.
  3. Continue on my recovery journey.
  4. Be courageous (more about this soon).
  5. Use all I’ve learned at CFD.
  6. Grow closer to God.
  7. Find a way to give back to others.
  8. Share my story.
  9. Reach out when I need it.
  10. Be perfectly imperfect.
  11. Work hard to heal my body.
  12. Begin transforming my view of exercise.
  13. Bounce back from the hard days by being resilient.
  14. Use my own inner strength.
  15. Don’t let anything stand in my way, including myself.
  16. Enjoy life to the fullest.

None of these things I can accomplish in a day or without any effort; however, I fully believe I can and will do this!