Home.

There is so much I can and will say about my time at CFD. I want to share all of it. The thing is, right now I’m not at CFD. I am home and trying to adjust. Life after residential is hard and confusing.

I spent the last week of treatment dreading the inevitable goodbyes that would come. Each and every one broke my heart. The staff and other residents did so much for me and leaving them behind is so sad. I know I’ll see some of them again but that doesn’t take away from how dearly I miss them now.

Monday was insane. I packed snacks and lunch before heading out in the morning to the airport. I hugged my amazing therapist goodbye and headed in. Everything went smoothly until we got on the plane. There was snow and ice in Chicago so we had to wait two hrs on the plane before finally taking off. The flight was okay but then we waited another 1.5 hrs to get into the terminal. My connecting was cancelled so my dad and I drove the four hr ride back to home. I was so exhausted and stressed by the end of it. The good news though is that I didn’t use. Behaviors or restrict at all!!

Since the flight drama I’ve been having tons of mixed emotions. It’s nice seeing my family and all but I really miss treatment. It was my home. I wouldn’t be here in this mindset had I not gone. One thing that really hurts me is knowing they go on in the house without me. I mattered when I was there just the same but I also am moved on. Regardless the lingering thought that I’m not enough is still loud.

Readjusting and change is scary. I didn’t expect a lot of these feelings. The thing is, I know I deserve to feel my emotions. I can’t hold them in anymore. I have skills to use. I can reach out. I will be more than okay when this is over with and always remember CFD as the place that changed my life and helped me discover my own self worth.

I’m going to keep doing what I need to do. I can’t expect perfection but I can accept the fact that I’m not perfect. I have so many successes each day and I have to hold on to it.

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Residential so far

I’ve had access to my phone and thus this blog for nearly a week now but I haven’t been able to post. There’s so much going through my head. I never imagined I would be here. I didn’t think residential was possible. I was hopeless. I felt recovery would never happen.
CFD is the best thing that’s happened to me. I get teary just thinking about it. The staff, small size, homey feel, and basically all aspects of the programs are amazing. I’m so lucky.
I’m surprised at my own progress. I want to recover for ME. I’ve never come close to that before. I’m working my ass off. I’ve finished 100% of all meals and snacks. I challenge myself consistently. I’m working on the underlying causes of the ED. I’ve used new skills and been assertive. I want to recover desperately.
Significant successes so far: doing well on my first solo pass, getting through the weekend from hell, facing a zillion fear foods, writing my autobiography, putting my all into treatment, moving up a level, starting to change my view of exercise.
My time here hasn’t been without struggles and hardships but I know that I can do this. I am stronger and smarter than I think.

Craziest week of my life

I am not exaggerating at all with that title. In the course of a week I have gone from being pretty sure I could finish the semester to preparing for residential treatment.

There are moments I look back on and consider life-changing. Some are bad and some good. Each of them has impacted me and shaped who I am today. I have no doubt in my mind that I’ve had many of these experiences this week.

Last Sunday at church I talked to an amazing woman who also happens to be many, many years into recovery from an eating disorder. After we spoke a little about my relapse and threats to leave school, she had some very good advice for my mom and I. She told us that we needed to consider sending me to treatment. I think that was what we both needed to know that it was the right decision. I left church that day realizing for the first time what I would do.

Monday I skipped all of my classes. I was nervous and extremely worried about everything. By the time I went to my sessions with S I thought I would just fall apart. She immediately agreed that taking a leave from school was going to be the best option. We called a few different places for treatment and agreed to meet again on Wednesday. I felt peace about leaving school at that point, even if I didn’t fully want to.

Tuesday morning was the meting to officially take a leave. I cried almost the whole time. The perfectionist part of me wanted to stay so badly, but I knew I couldn’t I knew I could end up very sick or dead if I didn’t stop this now. I met with my RD later that day. It was all too much so I ended up just crying in my room for a while. I began packing and telling those close to me what was going on. Through all of the tears and hard conversations, I found support and love. I am forever grateful to the amazing girls who were and are there for me.

Wednesday was move out day and by far the hardest one. In the morning I met with S one last time. We both cried the whole time. She had words of encouragement and advice for me as I go into treatment. I hope and pray that even part of what she said will happen. This is my chance to really change my life. She believes in me and I need to too. After giving her a hug goodbye I went back to my dorm to finish packing. I’ve never cried so much in one day. I had lunch with my roommate and shortly after my parents came to pack up. Goodbyes were said, more tears shed, and I left Calvin.

The next few days were hard. I called and researched more treatment centers than I can keep trackĀ of. There were a few leads but none that seemed to really fit. Yesterday I finally called the one S suggested. By the end of the day I was given a packing list and hopeful admission date of Tues or Weds next week. God is good. This place seems just right for me. Its homey and more life-like than institutional, with more individual therapy and groups that sound beneficial. I don’t think its going to be easy or anything, but I do know it will change me. I want to change. I need to change. I will change.

This isn’t how I thought or wanted my first semester away at college to go. Its been hell. I think I needed this to happen though. I needed to be broken and hit my rock bottom to start coming back to myself. I am not there yet but I’m hopeful that the next month or two will bring that change. I want to be me. I haven’t been that in a very long time.