I am going to be a nurse.

This statement may seem a little obvious, considering I am currently in nursing school. To me, though, it is very significant. I have never been in a place where I truly believed this. Now, here I am, nearly a month into the semester and that statement couldn’t be truer.

I want to focus a little bit on the times I doubted myself so much, since it tells the story of  where I came from. As is with many areas of my life, mental illness has greatly affected the possibility of me becoming a nurse along with decreasing my confidence that I ever could reach my dream. I have been in that dark place for much of my college career. I wondered if it was even worth trying when I saw little hope for anything, especially myself becoming anything worthwhile. My mind constantly plays tricks on me with the distorted thinking. It may be more difficult to reach my dreams, but that doesn’t mean impossible or that I am wrong for the job. In general being sick has brought low motivation, a lack of caring about what happens to me, isolation, and my life as a whole unraveling. I become a sad shell of a person when I’m far into my illnesses.

Another major contributor to doubting is my academic performance. I’ve had struggles three out of four semesters at Calvin. Fall 2015 ended in me leaving early for residential, spring 2016 was actually pretty good, fall 2016 brought plenty of hard times but ended up better than it could have been, and spring 2017 nearly disqualified me from staying in the nursing program since my GPA was so low. I never ever had a hard time in school until my ED became more severe. I never imagined I would be that person who was okay with C’s because anything was better than actually failing. Sadly, that has been my life the past couple years, especially this past spring. It’s hard to believe I managed to pull this all off.

I’m beyond thankful that I’ve fought so hard to get into nursing. I have persevered through it all. In a way, I think this struggle has made me stronger. There is nothing I want more than being able to say I made it as a nurse. In less than 2 years that will be my reality. I don’t think I have had so much hope for the future as I do now.

I want to end this with evaluating how different aspects of who I am will play into learning how to be the best nurse possible. I have plenty that has to change but also so many traits that will help in nursing. I want to be able to look back at this list and see how much I’ve grown.

 

Strengths

  • my experience as a patient will allow me to better understand what patients are going through
  • I am compassionate and truly care
  • my faith allows me to carry hope and see the good in others
  • I love learning
  • my medical knowledge and interest in all things medical
  • I want to be the person that others can come to and lean on in hard times
  • medical math and terminology knowledge

Things I need to work on

  • my extreme fear and avoidance of vomit at all costs
  • I am still pretty shy
  • I tend to feel awkward in different situations
  • I have to practice therapeutic communication, namely slowing down and taking in what the other person is saying v feeling rushed
  • overall, just a TON to learn, but that’s okay!

I’ll probably continue to update this as I think of new things^^

 

 

(So many) tears of happiness

Last Thursday, I happy-cried the entire 50 minute drive to my school before IOP. I could stop for no more than a minute, then I would get thinking and waterworks started over. It seems pretty weird, right? What’s so amazing about a quick errand to school before going to eating disorder treatment for the day? The answer: everything because today, I picked up my scrubs and equipment for nursing.

If you would have looked at me a year and a half ago, as I dropped out of my first semester of school, there’s no way you could have seen this day coming. A year after that, I once again had to take time off school, this time just a J-term. Then came the absolute worst semester possible. Looking just at my academic performance and participation in school spring term, no one would think I could be allowed into the nursing program. Here I am anyways.

The first couple weeks at residential were brutal for many reasons, a main one being that I didn’t have my final grades in yet. I was accepted into the nursing program, but I had no clue if that was jeopardized or not. I was not proud of the semester and this kept me up at night. I was a wreck. I went over every moment, every mistake from the previous 4 months. The day I logged in and saw my GPA was one of the happiest since receiving my acceptance letter. I had hung on, but only by around a tenth of a point.

I am not ashamed. I never thought I would be saying that; however, I cannot keep focusing on what I’ve done wrong. I’ll admit, I’ve been a terrible student for a good chunk of my time at Calvin. That isn’t all on me though, because I wasn’t really there. Instead, my eating disorder was in control. I have spent too many years trying to live with the eating disorder when I only end up barely surviving.

I am proud of myself. I am proud of my recovery. Without this hard work I’m putting in now, there’s no way I would be starting classes in 3 weeks. I don’t know where I’d be. What I do know is that I’ve spent too many years trying to live with this disease. Now is my chance to change that, and treatment this summer is only the beginning.

I am going to become a nurse. It still feels surreal, and probably will for a while yet. I thank God everyday for all that has gotten me to this point. I know this is my calling. I almost lost the opportunity, but I am never going to stop fighting to make my dream come true.

Resilience.

We had elder prayer for our final bible study last Tuesday. There were five elders from the church who came and prayed over each person individually. They had us write our names and one word/phrase to pray for. Resilience was mine. It is something I hold close and always try to remember when times are tough. I knew that was exactly what I need prayer over right now.

I have always pictured resilience in the same way. This goes back to my Forest View round 1 days. The group leader had a lesson on resilience which featured a picture of a tiny plant growing in a crack in the sidewalk. That’s what I think of, someone who grows out of an impossible situation and is able to overcome it. My phone background has been this photo for over two years now to remind me of my own resilience.blogity

As the elders began praying over me, I realized how different of a meaning resilience could take on. One of them gave the image of a bungee jumper. You would fall and struggle almost to the point of no return. Just before you hit bottom, the Lord will rescue you. I really love this analogy. I can bounce back from even the hardest things in life

Resilience has infinite meanings and is different for each person. I will strive to be resilient each day. A few of my favorite examples/definitions:

  • The capacity to prepare for disruptions, recover from shocks and stresses, and adapt and grow from a disruptive experience.
  • Bending not breaking
  • Bouncing back
  • “When you decide to give up on giving in” – Todd Carmichael
  • The ability to recover quickly from difficulties
  • You fail but keep on going

Ways I can practice resilience:

  • not giving up after having a hard day/week
  • use coping skills when I need them
  • reach out to others
  • listen to my treatment team as they push me forward in my recovery
  • giving myself grace
  • prayer and strength from God
  • leaning on my support people

 

How do you see resilience and practice it in your life?