In the deep pit

Although I can’t yet predict the aftermath of it yet, my therapy session on Monday was one that will change my life forever. S dropped the bombshell I’ve always feared: the school may have to force me into treatment. She’s taking steps to see what my fate will be. I had to get blood drawn today, she now needs to know my weight, she’s looking into treatment offerings with my insurance, and talking with L. I am sitting here terrified.

I know I am struggling. I get that. I also realize what I’m doing right now is not okay. The stress I’m feeling that’s led me down this dark path simply isn’t going away. So, quite obviously, a change needs to happen, and fast.

I am beyond conflicted. There is no easy or straight path. I don’t even have 100% control of what will happen if I do xyz. But I do have an impact on what will happen. S put it that by not making a decision to fight this I already am losing the fight.

I have hope. The ED voice is winning by far but my real, authentic self can be heard despite the noise. If I would listen to it I have no doubt I could recover or at the very least do better than this dark pit of relapse. It also whispers that my health needs to come before school. That scares the hell out of me.

For now, I will do the best with where I am and anxiously wait for my fate.