Sick.

Today is Easter and I so wish I could be focusing on the amazing miracle of Christ rising again to save us. Instead, I have had a terrible day coming after this already hard holy weekend.

Why is that exactly? Well it all started last night when I was trying on dresses for church. Ed took over and I couldn’t stop crying about how I looked in them. I happened to notice the night before that my epsom salts had a second use as laxatives on the package. I made the decision that I needed to lose some weight and right now, so I dissolved some in water and drank up. I was certain I wanted to make myself sick so I could stay home from church and wallow.

I woke up a few times sick and then told my parents this morning so I got to skip church. I say that with so much sadness because I haven’t purposely missed church at all in a very long time. I’m so wrapped up in all of this that I just want to be alone and miserable. I can’t look at myself anymore. I can’t wait until tomorrow so I can restrict as much as possible. I know this is all a bad thing but I also am not telling anyone who asks. I deserve this on my own.

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Late night update

So it’s 11:36 and I can’t sleep, so I suppose it’s a good time for the update I’ve been avoiding.

This week has been hell. I haven’t had this bad of a week ED wise since about three weeks post FV when I had a little slip up. This slip up, well it isn’t so little. Without going into triggering and unnecessary details, I will try to explain how I’ve been. It’s hard to pinpoint a time when I started slipping. It came slowly at first but then I just plunged right back into Ed. He was waiting for me with open arms and I ran to him. I have exercised more than I should, not eaten enough, and used some behaviors and lies so that my family doesn’t know at all. I halfway feel guilty about that but Ed is whispering how wonderful I’m doing. The one way I do see that maybe this is wrong is with how absolutely miserable I am feeling. I have no energy, high depressive thoughts, and no personality. I sat there almost in tears on Wednesday at the church and I never ever am not smiling there.

To say that I’ve been stressed lately is a HUGE understatement. Things on my mind include having to apply to colleges and worry about if I got in even though I won’t know for 2-4 weeks at least, two of my close friends going into a psychiatric hospital in the past two weeks (I’m glad they’re safe but I still worry about them both), having some youth situations this week involving eating and if I will negatively impact the girls with my eating, tests/a lab practical/midterm in my classes, scheduling for my final semester at CC, telling the other girls eventually, and writing a philosophy paper that I didn’t start until today. It doesn’t help that my anxiety tends make every worry ten times worse. Also, since the Ed stuff has worsened I also have all of those things constantly on my mind. This has made it harder to focus at all.

The only person who knows of my struggles right now other than Jenny (she doesn’t know THAT much either…) is Kim. I haven’t even spoken to her since Sunday, but at that point she thought I needed to tell my mom if it didn’t stop this week. Their family is coming over tomorrow night for dinner so I highly doubt she’ll ask there, but I know the conversation is coming. I don’t know what to tell her. I can be honest and probably freak her out and have her tell my parents if I don’t. I’m so scared of that. I don’t want to upset her or burden her with that kind of information. Also, there’s Ed screaming to shut up and keep this to myself. No option looks good right now.

I see both Paul and Jenny Tuesday. Again, I have no clue whether to be honest or not. I always always have been in therapy prior to this. I feel no need to lie when they’re trying to help me. This is different though. If I don’t tell them I can continue like this. I can take control for a while. At the same time, I know my parents will realize eventually. That eventually is realistically only a week or two away at the rate I’m going.

I’m so confused. I want to recover, but that is so low on my priority list right now. I have so much going on and Ed is easier. It’s just like last year. I gave in to Ed then because I felt out of control and I feel that way now too. This isn’t good.

So after all those jumbled thoughts I am going to spend some time in prayer tonight. I need to get grounded again. I also need some sleep after that. I know God is with me, even as I’ve been straying away from Him this week. He will work through me still. I know it. I need His guidance now.