TFHR 06/09/16

Thoughts

  • How did I get so lucky with my job? It is the best place I could imagine working. I get to be around great people and it already has nurtured my faith. God put me with these people for a reason last year.
  • Bad body image is sooo gross. I have dealt with it since technically forever, but specifically it grew worse the last few months. For the most part it didn’t affect me really at all. It has now and lead to ED thoughts so that’s fun. I haven’t let that turn into behaviors and I need to trust that a) this will pass and b) what I see in the mirror is not true.
  • The jokes and sarcasm and teasing at work is superb.

Feelings

  • At work: loved, playful, appreciated, supported, needed, wanted, cared for, connected, lighthearted, joyful.
  • Frustrated with various things/people/situations. It isn’t terrible, more so annoying.
  • Proud of myself. I’ve really done well this summer so far. I’m eating enough,enjoying work, taking time for myself, coping with thoughts and behaviors. It has gone much better than I expected and worried about.
  • Tired. My sleep schedule is off still so going to bed anywhere from 12-3am and getting up around 7 most days for a 9am shift, working a 5-7 hr shift, then coming home. Today specifically I tackled the dreaded 6am. I was scheduled 6-12 (everyone else 9-2) but I ended up staying until 1:30 because we had a lot more to service than yesterday. We all love Joni and Friends but it definitely is more work than usual. Perfectly fine because seeing the smiles on their faces is priceless and so so worth it 🙂
  • Happy. My mom and family have noticed, I’ve noticed, J has noticed, coworkers have noticed, even those who had no clue about the ED have noticed. I am smiling and laughing and I really truly mean it. You can tell a huge difference from when it was all a facade to hide my misery.

Happenings

  • Yesterday something amazing happened at work. My boss, J, came up and pulled me aside while we were servicing. Her and M, the assistant manager of housekeeping, had talked and they both want me to lead a crew this summer for turns. I beyond excited! For one, this really shows that all of the work I’ve put in is satisfactory. It also proves that I have earned their respect, and trustworthy, and can be an example to my coworkers. Although I try not to determine my success/failure by others’ approval, I feel like this is an acceptable case. Since coming back to work I was hoping and praying I would have this opportunity, but became discouraged when my brother thought all spots had been filled. I’m grateful and I know this will help me grow as a worker and in general too.
  • My cat Molly almost caught a chippy (chipmunk). This doesn’t seem like a significant event, but she is by far the dumbest animal ever and can barely catch flies. She had her harness and leash on and sat in front of our bird feeder. A chippy was ahead of her so she attempted to run and grab him but she got stopped by the lead and fell backwards. Cat hunter fail
  • Olive currently came and interrupted my late-night blogging by lying on my chest. I don’t mind one bit 🙂
  • Lots and lots of slurpee runs because I was deprived forever. And by slurpee I mean not the 7eleven ones since ours closed years ago. Speedway is my preferred but also Wesco because their popcorn is bomb. If you aren’t in the midwest (Speedway) or West Michigan (Wesco) you are seriously missing out.
  • So our resident ducks may have done the deed in our pool and it was both hilarious and terrifying all at once ahhhh!
  • Today I went 3/4 of the work day with unusually painful feet and blisters from my shoes. Then I realized they were on the wrong feet… #adulting

Ramblings

  • I don’t really talk much about what it’s like living where I do, but I’ve recently realized some things that make me glad I do live here.
    • We are in a very safe area. Besides one very sad abduction case, the worst crimes in my city are speeding tickets, petty robberies (rarely),  and teenagers knocking people’s mailboxes down.
    • The breeze from Lake Michigan is heavenly and unique. Holy cow living in GR for only a few weeks of hot weather was gross. There is no wind at all and it just stays muggy and gross all day. Although sometimes the wind can be pretty strong, its much, much nicer than anywhere more inland. Also, we get a temp drop of 5-10 degrees vs GR!
    • In my county and within ~half hr of driving we have: 3 state parks, at least 10 city parks, huge stretch of beautiful sand beaches, 2 smaller lakes (although Mona Lake is more of a cesspool), 2 Meijer’s (hallelujah), 11+ Wesco’s, tons of yummy restaurants, a few quality school systems, a mall, nice neighborhoods and communities, Michigan’s Adventure (same owners as Cedar Point), and overall just a great place to be. Sure, there are bad parts but I fully believe the good outweighs bad.
    • Maranatha!!!
    • Beautiful nature – lakes, woods, beach, wildlife (deer, turkeys, the occasional fox, small critters, birds, the unfortunate seagulls, lots and lots of fish).

And that’s a wrap!

Feel free to share any thoughts, feelings, happenings, or ramblings you have had lately 🙂

TFHR 5/30/16

Thoughts

  • Lots about work… I am so lucky to work in an awesome Christian environment. My boss is great. I can’t wait for Joni and Friends, finding the weirdest stuff in rooms, having fun with my coworkers, and work being a great part of my summer. Its the best working with my brother Alec, like having “fights” and picking on each other.
  • I have so many things planned for summer, Slightly too ambitious? Perhaps. At the same time, it feels doable and will definitely keep me recovery-minded and busy.
  • I need to go to the beach and parks and take all of the photos.
  • I really seriously hope I can go to Michigan’s adventure this summer. I want to attempt Shivering Timber’s again, ride my favorite coaster 8 zillion times (while NOT sustaining a concussion), burn from going on the logger ride, fly on the trapeze, and pay $4 for one pop.
  • My aunt and her thing are ridiculous. The end.
  • Can my arm stop hurting? Also, can I not get hurt again for the remainder of at least this summer? That’d be a miracle.
  • I love sharing my story. It may be scary but all I’ve gotten is more confidence, the drive to help others, and freedom from guilt and shame.

Feelings

  • Love. For and from my coworkers, Milo, work  in general, brain game apps.
  • Exhausted. 3-4+ days of housekeeping a week. ‘Nuff said.
  • Destressed-ish. I’m still a hot mess who freaks out on the daily, but at least i don’t have school and everything else take more time I don’t have.
  • Excited. I’m really looking forward to have my first healthy summer in so many years.
  • Thankful. There are countless things I am grateful for. I have my job, living in a beautiful place, my family and animals, summer free from school, and being mostly free from ED/MH stuff. I am blessed.

Happenings

  • If you hadn’t guessed it by now, I started back at work. This time if not going to be held back by my eating disorder. I will take care of myself. I will eat enough. I will do my best. I will enjoy doing God’s work and make camps and conferences possible.
  • Our ducks came back to the pool!
  • Milo is super friendly suddenly and I’m pretty sure its because he is a super brat and needed the new huge cage to do so. Speaking of that, we did get him a Ferret Nation that’s only 2.5x the size of his old one. Did I mention he’s spoiled?
  • Milo and I are bonding and considering how snippy and scared he was before, its truly a small miracle. He definitely doesn’t hate me anymore!
  • Doing my summer photo journal has been really cool so far.
  • My sweet psych prof wrote the sweetest message on my life project.

Ramblings

  • If only everyone staying in a hotel room had the decency to clean up after themselves. Yes, we do deep cleaning but that is what we need to focus on, not washing dishes and food guests have left. I think its ridiculous to trash somewhere you’re staying just because. Housekeepers everywhere would seriously appreciate just a simple tidying up when you leave a hotel or cottage.
  • You may be going into nursing if… finding and downloading a medical app is the highlight of your week. I love Figure 1!!! It has images, scans, and descriptions of different case studies. There are also many where you guess what the correct diagnosis is. Its so freaking cool. I spent almost two hours on it last night because its fascinating. I feel like I am already learning more from finding out what different diseases look like.
  • My mom has officially surpassed me this week when it comes to worrying about medical issues. In truth, I haven’t been that way for a long time. I know what may be wrong but I don’t insist on a doctor visit or anything. My mom has had a cold maybe a week and a half. She is constantly asking if it is normal to have achy legs, whether she has pneumonia, why she feels weak, etc. Its pretty funny since she always told me not to be a hypochondriac but I get it :p

Last session with S, first with J

In the midst of crazy exam, I had my last appointment with S until next fall. To say I was an emotional wreck is no exaggeration. It was so much like every other session we’ve had: laughter, honesty, tough love, goals, and some assignment I completely hated but ultimately is good for me. To all of that add tears, and lots of them.

I wrote her a card earlier that day and bawled for an hour cried some writing it. I had trouble even putting to words all she has done for me this year. A quick run down of what I appreciate: her tough love no BS attitude, that she helped me get treatment, pushing me when I dug in my feet, dealing with my constant sass, truly caring, helping me find myself again, being exactly the therapist I needed. She is amazing at her job and I really felt she deserved to know how much she means to me. I wanted her to read it in session, so I had her do that while she forced me to work on the assignment I started the week before. I kept glancing over and saw her crying, then started crying and we were both a mess.

While we weren’t “having allergy issues,” we talked about goals for the summer. She didn’t focus on the ED stuff. Obviously I want to do well and control disordered thoughts as they come, but that being my whole summer would be so sad. Smaller goals include making a bucket list for York (which I shall talk about soon!), spending time with friends, and getting out in nature as much as possible. My favorite thing we talked about is a daily photo journal. My challenge is to take one photo a day that makes me happy, shows God’s blessing in my life, or is a part of beautiful creation that somehow has meaning to me. I also can’t obsess over editing or taking the “perfect” photo and have to limit looking at the screen after snapping and time spent in photoshop. So far, being 6 days in, I absolutely love it. I write a few sentences to go with each day and I can already tell this photo journal will be so special to document my summer. I definitely plan on posting my adventure here soon. At the end I thanked her once again and we hugged/cried some more. Walking out was so very bittersweet. I’m sad to leave her for the summer but I know I’m going to have so many stories and progress to share when I come back.

Today I met with J again for the first time this summer. I hadn’t seen her since the day I got back from residential. I was so nervous (why? I have no clue) walking back into her office! For some reason I feared that we wouldn’t click again or I would be awkward or something otherwise bad would happen. It didn’t feel weird or awkward one bit. Going into her office felt like being home again. Immediately I was so happy to be back.

It was nice to catch her up on everything that’s happened since I last saw her. I loved being able to tell her all of my progress, fun things that happened, and hopes for the future. I also was very open and honest about the struggles I’ve faced, namely my relapse. We talked about what led up to it, how serious/what it entailed, how and why I came out, what we can do to prevent another when things start going bad, and the new hope it has given me. I truly feel like I relapsed so I could learn exactly what I need to fight for. J completely agreed, and in her prayer at the end (our traditional closing) she specifically thanked God for it.

After catching we talked goals and what I need from her. Ever since residential, I’ve really learned what helps and what doesn’t when it comes to therapy. The two most helpful things, even though I HATE it, are tough love/pushing me to do my best and assignments. J said she definitely will do both. Plenty of assignments I fight against but are really for my good and J stretching me to do better are in the near future. I told her about my goals for the summer from S and we also talked about some to add. She loves the photo journal as much as I do and can’t wait to see them, especially since she enjoys my photography (a print I gave her last summer now hangs in her office 🙂 ). My relationship with God still isn’t anywhere near being repaired. I already wanted to do something to grow closer to Him again, but J helped me find specifically how I can make that happen this summer. She gave me the ACTS acronym for prayer/journaling, is having me write to Him daily, wants me to continue my happy journal, and restart the ED devotional I have. I’m looking forward to the spiritual growth I so need. Her promise to me, beyond being her wonderful self as a therapist, is giving me an assignment every week to torture challenge me. I know having J by me this summer as I work toward health and these goals is just what I need. I am excited to see all the growth that is to come.

I am so lucky to have two very different therapists who are equally amazing for me. I thought it would be really hard switching for summer. (Would I miss S too much? Would J do enough? Would I love J too much to ever be okay with S again? Was I going to lose my mind and cry and struggle?) All of my fears have been squashed and I’m looking forward to working with J again. Her more gentle style is going to be perfect for this time where I’m not so stressed with school and everything going on. S and her no BS way is great at helping me through all of the emotions, triggers, and stressors when I’m back at school. God has truly blessed me with giving each of them at the time I need their help the most.