TFHR – 4/10/18

Thoughts

  • I can’t believe how fast time is going by right now. It feels like just yesterday I was starting out in my peds clinical, but now I’ve finished 2 weeks of OB! Before I know it, the semester will be over and then it’s senior year. Receiving an email on registration addressed to seniors was surreal. It won’t be long before I graduate and finally work as an RN.
  • I’ve been thinking a ton about all of these big questions: who am I, really? Why am I working towards recovery? Am I meant to be here forever? What do I need in order to move forward? I hope to do some posts soon on this. It’s been helpful to talk about this in therapy some. I need to tap into what I truly want. I don’t think I can continue as I am forever.
  • It’s still so crazy that I’m actually working with patients and doing nursy things. I’ll go from feeling like I have no clue what I’m doing in lab to doing all of the things (with conficdence, after time!?!) pretty well. Every single interaction has proved more and more that nursing is for me. I was the girl who would barely speak to anyone unless I knew them and now I am able to approach people I’ve just met and complete assessments on them. I love it and I love how I’m growing as a person.
  • OB is so far not as awkward/terrible as I thought, thank God. I was prepared for yesterday’s clinical to be painful, but it wasn’t even close to that. I loved my mom and she didn’t at all mind the invasive questions/assessment. Also, we don’t need to go as detailed as I thought, which is a huge plus. Hopefully, the rest of my experience will be like this, too.

Feelings

  • Stressed. Honestly this should just be a given for anytime I’m in school and probably outside of that too. I’ve accepted the things I cannot change there and I’m trying my best to cope in a semi-healthier way. The main source currently is this new change in schedule. I HATE change and this involves way too much in my mind, even if plenty of this change is bringing great things.
  • Grateful. So far, the nurses in this new hospital/unit are amazing. They’re way more willing to give me learning experience, help to guide me if I look lost, let me observe procedures, etc. I can tell that I’ll gain a ton from them.
  • Frustrated. It seems like every single appointment lately has been a struggle start to finish. I feel like I’m getting nowhere. I hate this. I’m not the most willing to make steps toward recovery, but it’s still hard. I know my team means well, they just clash with the ED voice which is strong right now. Also, needing to supplement/be on a weight again protocol is just gross. I’m not a happy camper wither, and that makes everything worse. Blech. Hopefully things will get better soon.
  • Guilt. This just comes with the hellish time that is recovering from an eating disorder, specifically the food part. The ED screams all day to eat as little as possible and only safe foods, then gets even louder when that doesn’t happen. Some days I’m able to fight back, but most lately haven’t gone well. That actually adds to the guilt so it’s this big ball of fun. I’ve had some shame too, but at this point not quite as present.
  • Proud. I’m clearly not in a good place. That’s not even debatable; however, I am still doing some very hard things every day. I could have given up by now. I’ve wanted to many times. Still, I press on. I finish my meals, drink the ensure, talk about everything in therapy, sit through difficult appointments, face the uncomfortable, keep up on schoolwork, take care of myself the best I can. I haven’t been doing better in recovery, but for the most part I’m stable. That’s a cause for celebration right now.
  • Worried. I sometimes get some feelings of worry and concern over how things are right now. I know it isn’t great and I don’t think I can stay where I’m at. Some things scare me. Maybe if I used that to propel me into recovery I would be more successful?

Happenings

  • Veronica Mars <3. Over about 2 weeks I rewatched all 3 seasons and the movie with my mom. I absolutely love this show and it’s the best to watch again and again.
  • Sleeping in my hammock. Last year when I was looking up how hammocks can be beneficial with sleeping, I was intrigued. I already loved relaxing in it, so why not try to sleep all night? I used my single as a bed for nearly all of last spring, then stopped. I began sleeping in my double hammock just before break and it’s wonderful. It seems to support my joints well which helps with pain. I hope to continue this once school’s over too.
  • Yoga recovery book club group. I was really anxious about joining this group. It’s run by my old dietitian (talk about coming full circle). We’re reading through a book and most importantly talking about how the concepts relate to our lives and recovery. The insight and support I’ve gotten are invaluable. R still knows me so well and can challenge me/see through the bullshit (which is also hard, but necessary). Another nice thing is that I have this group and support group rotating each week so that I always have a recovery-focused activity every Monday evening.
  • IOP. This one pains me/is embarrassing/annoying/etc. I wish that I didn’t need to be there so much, but I know I need it. I’m just not in a place where i can step down more right now. I’m trying to just make the most out of it even though things are really hard in the treatment front.
  • Day in GR with my mom. Over spring break, my mom and I got to hangout in GR for the day, which never happens. I’m always home on the weekends and she doesn’t like to make the drive, so it was a special occasion. We went to the butterfly exhibit at Frederik Meijer Gardens, World Market, and lunch. The butterflies are amazing and the rest of it was pretty good too.
  • My brother, his girlfriend, and I went to see The Greatest Showman and I actually loved it! I’m not huge into musicals but it’s really well done. I went with my mom this weekend too! I would definitely recommend (especially in theater), but don’t look up the real story because it kinda ruins the magic a bit.
  • Met a reader! This is was so cool to me because the only ones I know that read my blog are friends irl. I can’t believe that there are others in the US and around the world that see my posts. p.s. Mindy, it was nice to meet you! 🙂
  • All the breaks. I had 8 days of school in March, and two of those were just exams! Between spring break and Easter break, this is the first full week of school since mid-March. It’s weird to be back but also nice because schedules make me happy.

Ramblings

  • Winter needs to be done now. I know that I live in Michigan and I should expect this blah, blah, blah. It’s April now and it snowed 2 days in a row. That is NOT OKAY. The whole in like a lion, out like a lamb thing for March was wrong too. We had nasty sleet and wind on the last day of March. It feels like there’s no end in sight to this nastiness but there’s hope? I mean the cold has to end at some point? /endrant
  • This isn’t where I wanted to be right now. I shouldn’t need to spend ~8 hours a week in treatment on top of school and clinicals. I should just eat like a normal person. I should be so much further in my recovery journey. I wish, sometimes, that it was all just a walk in the park. I’m beyond tired of all the energy this is taking. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I put effort into recovery and not the ED, or even didn’t need to put so much energy into recovery because I was doing so well. For now, I just have to keep dealing with this. It doesn’t have to be this way forever, though.
  • I find it so hilarious that I’m the speeder in our family now. I’ve been informed I “drive like a true GR person,” apparently. I basically just go 80ish on the freeway for nearly the entire drive between home and school, plus on the way to the hospital. There are rarely cops and it’s kinda the speed of traffic at times, so I don’t see a problem there. 😉

That’s a wrap!

TFHR – 1/16/18

Yay its the return of one of my favorite types of posts! It’s hard writing about every detail of my life here, unless you want to read a novel. I like my format because it gives insight on how I’m doing, what I’m struggling with currently, things that may affect me, and the good stuff, too!

Thoughts

  • Lots and lots of thoughts regarding if I am “bad enough” to be in relapse, need to change, etc. That’s a whole long post here
  • Finally things at home are better and I am not the problem. Naturally, eating disorders and mental illness can cause a ton of stress for both the one who has them and people close to them. I feel like for years I have been the person who causes so much conflict in our family. It’s frustrating to feel all of that guilt and shame. Now, I’m not the one causing stress. There are some other things going on, there always is, but it doesn’t stem from me. Maybe this is selfish, but I am so happy to be on good terms with my family.
  • I am taking possibly the best interim course possible. We have a J-term where you take a “fun” class (usually) for 3.5 weeks. This can also be abroad or otherwise off campus. This year, I’m taking psychopathology in film. It’s been great! My prof is the best ever and we basically just watch films all class. Considering everything else that’s happened this month, I’m happy to at least relax in that regard.
  • I wish recovery was easier. There’s a whole ton that I could talk about forever, but I think I’ll save that for another post.

Feelings

  • Worried. I am not in the greatest place. It’s crunch time with less than 2 weeks until the semester starts. My treatment team is not at all convinced that I could handle it at this point. I’m so terrified that I won’t be able to do enough before then, or at least not enough to convince them I’m okay.
  • Guilt. This has a lot to do with food – restricting, not exercising, eating fear foods, lying, on and on.
  • Shame. The guilt almost immediately turns into shame. I feel like I’m wrong. I am not worthy. No one should care about me. These thoughts and feeling come and go but are always there in some way.
  • Tired/exhausted. Physically this probably has to do with the ED (although it’s currently giving me so much energy, it’s crazy.). Mentally and emotionally is worse. I’m doing a ton of work with being at iop and trying to fight. Ed is strong. This means I reallky have to step it up if I want to get past this and live my life. Unfortunately, being drained means it’s hard to fight more, leading into a bad cycle.
  • Sad. I’m not entirely sure where all this is coming from, but I think realizing where I am now is contributing to it.
  • Anxious. There are a million and one what ifs going thro ugh my mind constantly. Sometimes that makes it hard to focus on anything but the things that could happen in the future.
  • Depression. Along with this has come hopelessness, or maybe one causes the other. I feel just beaten down and that hasn’t helped.
  • Grateful for: my treatment center, new psych, K and R, health , nursing, IOP even though I don’t want to be there or think I need it, en ouragement, Livvy, my team, a fun class, being pushed (although not in the moment, haha), this break from real classes. I find it better to focus on these things sometimes than always get caught up in what’s wrong.
  • Conflicted. I want to be one foot in, one foot out of the eating disorder. Wht should I give up what’s seemingly making me happy? At the same time, I know that staying in the ED even somewhat is a dangerous spot to be in.

Happenings

  • My interim course is the absolute best thing ever. I have my amazing prof from last spring. The class is Psychopathology in Film, so we basicallky sit and wattch movies without much homework at all. It’s n ice to have a break.
  • As fun as break as been, it’s also hard. I’ve continued to struggle a ton. I’m trying to turn this around in the best way I can.
  • I switched around meds and it seems to be working without side effects! I’m so thankful for that. The one I was on can cause problems with your liver and is even banned in most countries. I’m happy with the new psychiatrist too.
  • I’ve been practicing yoga everyday and it’s my favorite thing. It calms me and is a way to exercise that isn’t completely terrible to my joints. There are some issues with overdoing it, but that doesn’t take away the love I have for yoga.
  • I’ve talked some about this, but I have the new treatment protocol for interim now. I attend IOP (Yes we’re actually calling it that now) Monday and Thursday with appts with my dietitian Monday and therapist both days. It’s exhausting and frustrating and just hard, but I realize it’s the best. This isn’t how I want to spend my time but I need it.
  • This is in-between thoughts, feelings, and happenings but I’ll put it here. I am so lucky to have good vets. My chinchilla, Milo, has had teeth/mouth issues for well over a month now. It started with drooling, not wanting to eat enough, and losing some weight. We took him to the vet in town and got medicine, but then he stopped eating completely. We now have a vet in GR who did his x-rays and then surgery to file down his back teeth which were very overgrown. After having to syringe feed him for 2 weeks and give lots of medications (not fun, if you were wondering) he is finally on the mend. His surgery was a week and a half ago and he’s made so much progress. It’s crazy how different he is. He’s gained back most of the weight he lost, bounces around the cage constantly, actually finishes his food, and overall is so happy. It was a huge effort from my whole family to get him better, but now he is. It was worth all of the tears and frustration.

Ramblings

  • I hate driving in the winter. Snow is pretty terrible and black ice is way worse, but what’s absolutely killed me is other people’s driving. Some people are ridiculous!! I can’t count how many times people have pulled out in front of me when I was super close to them, or how others will purposely speed up when you have time to make a left. I don’t understand how everyone forgets how to drive that quickly. I’ll be happy when it’s spring and I have to just deal with rain and wind (although it does snow in the spring sometimes because Michigan)
  • Although I’m happy about this new med, there is one possible side effect I’m terrified of: weight gain. Technically this is ED talking anyways, but it is so real. I don’t think I would truly be able to handle it if this happens. I’m convinced I would need to quit it then and there. I just want to be okay since the med does seem to help.
  • One foot in, one foot out has been my pattern for a long time now. I don’t like it one bit. I wish I could push myself and go all the way in with recovery. I’m stuck here instead. It’s uncomfortable. Some days I don’t know where I want to be, but I think that staying here forever isn’t a good option. I really hope I can try to decide which side I want more. My therapist told me that there isn’t actually a happy medium between recovery and eating disorder and that it’s just ED having control over you.
  • I don’t want to go into politics, but my Gog there is a certain human cheeto who’s infuriating. Some things he’s said are just unintelligent, racist/misogynistic, and just mean. Whether you voted for him or not, I think this point has some truth. Even, and especially, his tweets are offensive. He is someone who is affecting others and influencing how people view America, but this is not being done in a positive way.

TFHR – 10/03/17

It’s been forever and a half, so here’s a current TFHR!

Thoughts

  • I love blogging. I missed blogging. It has been beyond amazing to be back here again. This is a huge coping skill for mirror. Not much beats opening up a blank post and watching it come to life, especially when I can either tell my story or spread awareness.
  • I can acknowledge my progress, finally. It has been difficult in the past to do so, but my self-talk and perception of events is so much better give
  • I am so dang lucky to live in West Michigan. I cannot get enough of the beach, state park, sunsets, etc. It seriously is one of the most beautiful places.
  • I need to get back on track ASAP before it ends up like last fall or spring. I can’t afford that and I really don’t want it for myself regardless.
  • I am noticing some of the same old distorted thinking come back again. I’m glad I can recognize it, but now the hafrd part will be challenging the thoughts as they come.

Feelings

  • Everything.  I just feel like this overwhelmed, confused ball of emotions. I have found it hard to even connect this to anything or recognize where it’s all coming from,.
  • Nostalgic. I just miss treatment so damn much. I keep thinking of all the memories I have. A lot of me wants to go back there, or at least bring back the girls and support.
  • Down (Depressed?). I should be used to this by now, but every time I go from normalish to not is still a shock. I’m hoping it can be temporary.
  • Connection. I am not that surprised with the amount of empathy and compassion I feel towards the patients. I know plenty of what they’re feeling. I had one tell me how crazy they felt up until they were in treatment. I feared that as well. I had another talking about how hard it is going outside only once a day. I completely get that. It feels claustrophobic to be stuck inside a cold hospital all day. Even if it is difficult being back at the hospital, I know my experience there has helped shape me into a better nurse for my patients.
  • Proud (of myself). I already am seeing a huge difference each day I work with patients. Today, I was cool and collected. I shook off the nerves and communicated really well. I feared the therapeutic communication portion of nursing at first. It hasn’t come easily, but I am so proud of myself that I’m growing in that area.

Happenings

  • Work is weird. I don’t know what exactly I expected when coming back to work, but I didn’t think things would have changed the way they have. I am not a crew leader, there are a ton of new people, and I just feel weird. I guess it’s hard to pinpoint? Being back to retreat season is definitely different than before. We have full crew turns that mirror summer and even more new people. I feel like I barely even know what work will bring anymore.
  • Rewatching Grey’s Anatomy. I feel super accomplished because I finished the entirety of Grey’s last week. I only started at the end of July and was at work/IOP plenty of that time period.
  • EDS pain. Unfortunately, work means working my joints in ways they haven’t been for months. I feel exhausted each time. I can always count on pain, namely from my right shoulder and elbow, and more recently left knee. I have to find a balance and take care of myself. Ehlers-Danlos is not a joke.
  • Tons of groups/appointments. I feel like I am constantly talking about my emotions, triggers, mealplan, etc. I kind of am, truthfully. Mondays and Thursdays both include multiple forms of treatment. It almost feels like I am living between these appointments, at least when I’m not doing well. I am trying not to let that happen this time around.
  • Shared MY story for an assignment in my nursing class. I still can’t believe this happened. I didn’t even use pseudonyms like I planned. Granted, literally anyone who has me on Facebook or Insta could easily find out about my eating disorder. I don’t try to hide it really. I want for it to be something others connect to, learn from, and understand eating disorder more because of it.
  • Seeing all the people at FV. Today I counted at least 5 people I knew. Some were from ED, like the amazing dietitian, and others just randomly from my inpatient stay. I wanted nothing more than to say hi and thank them, especially my old dietitian. I didn’t do these things but I hope to find an opportunity to say hello soon.
  • First test(s). Yesterday I had my first exam in our theory class and Friday will be one in the strategies class. I’m not feeling the most confident about them and my stress level is pretty high. I know it’s only the first test, but I’m so worried about the future. What if I actually cannot do this?
  • Validation. I know someone who is a charge nurse at the other psych hospital my professor works at. She messaged me on Saturday night asking about who my instructor is. It turns out she was sitting right next to her at work! She told my prof that she knew me, and she had some good feedback. My prof was impressed by how I handled last week, since I had little time to catch my patient before discharge. She also said my nursing process was great. I wasn’t feeling the most confident about these things, so hearing about it was uplifting. My hard work is paying off.

Ramblings

  • The conversations at IOP/treatment peeps in general are amazing, stimulating, and have nothing to do with ED. It’s wonderful. I especially love how feminism/some politics come up in the weirdest way. Those things are important given the state of our country and all.
  • honestly part of me cannot believe that Dr. VanDouchebag is still around and in charge of kids/ED at FV. A story I heard of his actions today angered me a little bit. It sounds very similar to things he would say about or to ED patients in the past. I know he’s the doctor and everything, but condescending isn’t the answer to helping patients.
  • Gah I want to speak up about my time at FV. I talked a bit about this, but I can’t wrap my head around it. I almost feel like it would be proving how sick I was before. This isn’t healthy. What would be a reasonable and healthy way to share this with my prof? Probably not at all.
  • I don’t have many words about Las Vegas, just prayers. One thing I want to mention is how sick I am of political things coming out when we should be supporting during a tragedy. I don’t feel like now is the right time to debate topics. I do share some of the same views as those who are (in a way) turning it into a debate. There is a time and place for that, but it isn’t in the wake of one of the worst loss of human life I’ve experienced in my lifetime.

And that’s all for now! I haven’t decided how often I would like do these. Maybe it’ll be sporadic instead of scheduled, but I’m not sure yet. I do like how it gives a nice overview of life currently.

TFHR 5/01/17

It has been forever and a half since I’ve done one of these, and I really like being able to give a little update on life, things going on, etc.

Thoughts

  • I LOVE YOGA. It is the one time where i can fully let go of thoughts, relax, strengthen my body (especially my crappy EDS joints!), and overall increase my mood. I often don’t have time until night, but whenever I can do it earlier the rest of my day is just a little more positive. I am going to work hard to stay healthy and still be able to practice.
  • I am lucky to have some really great support people. Of course, there is my person. She has been there for years and I cannot say enough about how much she matters to me. I love everything about our relationship, and also that she is helping me stay accountable. I need that now. I also have some very sweet girls I met through treatment. They are truly wonderful and we are always there for each other.
  • Will I ever actually be free? This thought has crept in as I continue down the path of being halfway into recovery and towards a major relapse. I learned recently that the average length of treatment before full recovery is 8 yrs. I don’t really know quite how accurate that is, but if it is true that would mean I could still have 4 yrs left. I don’t want that for myself. To be honest, it makes me question whether recovery is really worth that. Oh pessimism is fun.
  • This semester has been pretty terrible. I have struggled more than ever and I’m exhausted. This whole relapse/heading backwards has made even getting up to class exhausting. I have racing thoughts about finishing up classes, wonder if I’m really just a failure, etc. Most of all, I am now very concerned with what happens after school. Will I be able to hold up this “I’m fine” act when I’m there 24/7? How terrible would it be if my parents find out? Will it be a bad environment? So many questions with not many answers.

Feelings

  • Frustrated. Everything has been hard. I have butted heads with my entire treatment team. They try to convince me I need to change xyz and I (or Ed) counter that it isn’t necessary and I am fine. I’ve gone against what they suggest and it is basically one huge mess. Part of me wants to change that, but for the most part it just continues on. Also, there are many stressors at home, which I get pulled into at times. That stinks because half the time I am not even there to experience it first-hand or it isn’t in my control.
  • Overwhelmed by: school, family stress, more school, amount of food I need to eat, ED thoughts and urges, amount of pressure on me to do “what I need to do,” summer ahead, uncertainty over the need for treatment, scheduling, working, keeping up with everything, and more that I cannot think of at the moment.
  • Fearful. The last month has brought some heavy sessions with realizations. There is something wrong here. I’ve had clarity when it becomes easier to use restrictive behaviors than it is to just eat the food (for example hiding/throwing out food all of the time, skipping meals when no one is watching). My exercise sometimes feels a little out of my control. The fact that I don’t feel all that able to stop is also concerning. Most of the time I coud care less, but those moments I actually find myself agreeing with my team (just a little, though).
  • Stressed. School is the main/huge one. I have an uphill battle for the next 2.5 weeks again, but then it is finally over. I cannot wait for that sigh of relief. That will not be the end of my stress, however. My treatment team is adding pressure as they see me slipping (R actually used deteriorating today in session). That’s hard to deal with. I feel if I don’t do what I am supposed to I’ll just be strongly encouraged to seek higher care. It is constantly in the back of my mind.
  • Distrustful/skeptical. I like my team, I really do. I actually just saw the new dietitian today (treatment update in a post soon) and she seems like a great fit. A no-BSer which I probably maybe need. No matter how much I like them, it isn’t going to change the level of skepticism, distrust, and disbelief I have. They tell me I am worse than I believe, that the “goal weight” I have is unhealthy, that I’ve lost weight. I cannot process any of it as truth. It has led to some back and forth about the issues.
  • Excited. Nursing classes are getting closer every second (127 days!) and I could not be more excited. I’ve waited forever to finally begin the classes that I’m passionate about. My shots are up to date, uniform and equipment ordered, drug test completed, and I basically just have some paperwork left to do. This is the one thing that motivates me the most because I won’t give up this dream. I am going to be a kick-ass nurse.

Happenings

  • My 27th EKG of the past 3 years (slight exaggeration, ha!) was this past Wednesday. In theory it really shouldn’t be abnormal. We shall see. A new medication has resulted in my resting HR going from 80-100 avg down to 55-70. This is way out of my personal norm. I probably was in need for one anyways. Positive note: it’s hilarious talking to other ED friends about how normal it is for us to get EKGs, blood draws, etc. My brother, on the other hand, has had 1 or maybe 2 blood draws ever. #edproblems
  • Lovely meal plan changes. My meal plan has been the same since I started IOP in December. I also was following CFD’s exchange rules from that point onward. Not anymore. R decided to switch me to the FV exchange/meal planning style (which I HATE with a passion) since she is concerned with me getting enough of certain exchanges per meal. Also, it was increased which only has made the transition harder. She decreased it at our final appt last week (thank God because I no longer feel like such a failure) but also made some rules that I’m not happy about. K, my new dietitian, modified the rules a bit more today. I don’t like change so it would be great if that doesn’t happen again anytime soon, okay? Gah
  • IOP->groups. This actually happened a few months ago during my break from blogging. I did full IOP from December through the end of January, then attended all groups plus one full day of IOP for the next month, and slowly tapered a bit more to get to where I am now: process groups Tues/Thurs, therapy usually on Monday morning, and now my dietitian appts should be right after therapy. It still is quite a bit, just no meal or snack support. I am very thankful I have the time there still. Unfortunately, I don’t think they will just move me up to IOP once schools done, if higher treatment is deemed necessary.
  • Mocking (aka hammocking). It is one of my favorite pastimes ever, and it’s really nice that I finally can go outside. There’s something special about being in nature and a really comfy position. I actually had my smaller hammock set up to sleep in for around a month, and I plan on doing the same this summer. It’s good for the soul (and my painful joints) 🙂

Ramblings

  • Two words: diet culture. At this point, I am pretty desensitized to the whole deal, and most of the time ignore it. There are moments I fall into the ideals, but I’m more so plain disgusted by it all. I also worry for others who constantly see this as truth. Imagine all of the kids who are going to grow up believing that they need to alter their appearance, that any fat is too much, with restriction or some magic pill being the only way to happiness. I just want to scoop them all up and tell them how little their appearance or weight actually matters. I also want to slap any people responsible and tell them what obsession with weight loss, etc can do. A rant will be coming your way soon; I’ll link it here when I’m done fuming and can actually collect my thoughts. Preview: it’s a disgusting book I found at Meijer, sitting right near some things for kids.
  • R leaving. The first thing Dr. C said when I told her R would be leaving was “Well you must scare off all your dietitians.” Okay, she has a point. My first school dietitian left while I was in treatment, then failed to notify CFD which means I went with none for a good month and a half. Next L left while I was doing IOP (so I didn’t get to say goodbye either 😦 ). And now R is done and I only had her as mine for maybe 2 months. What a wonderful journey as someone who hates change AND has already had an entire switch in treatment teams the past 5 months. At least K doesn’t plan on leaving anytime soon?
  • Rock climbing. So I thought I was cool about not being able to do one of my most favorite activities in my time at Calvin. I mean I have yoga, which I love just as much. Yeah, that changed when I saw all the climbers as I was heading into my appt with Dr C. I asked her once again and cried a little in the bathroom after she gave a firm “no.” I suppose there’s next year?

And that’s all for now! Getting back into blogging more has been wonderful so far 🙂

TFHR 11/30/16

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. I would have to do multiple posts to explain some of this, so here’s a summary of the past few weeks.

Thoughts

  • Questions, questions, and more questions. What if it turns out I am very sick? How will I manage break? Will I need to do treatment of some sort again? Is my new therapist going to help at all? Will I go all break without an appointments? Will I just fail my exams? Am I going to get into nursing? Do I want to be healthy?
  • Can I be on break but not live at home for a grueling 3 weeks? Pretty please? I love my mom and family, but with the ED it’s so hard to live with them. In theory, life at home is better for recovery. Bleh.
  • Focus on weight, body size, stretch marks/cellulite, on and on. I won’t go into specifics as it wouldn’t benefit anyone, but I will say how consuming this is. I have a goal weight and also for my body size. All I want is to achieve this. It’s making eating 100x harder right now.
  • How is it the end of November already??

Feelings

  • Worry. There aren’t many times when I’m not worrying or anxious, but now it’s escalated. There are so many uncertainties in the future that are plain scary. I’m hoping they won’t turn out as bad as I fear.
  • Love for L. If you don’t get this vibe already, L is my favorite dietitian ever and also the best part of my treatment team. She challenges me, fights Ed like hell, is completely flexible schedule wise, and works with me v. just telling me what I should do.
  • Disgust. There are 2 reasons I currently am disgusted with myself, both relating to the ED. For one, I absolutely cannot stand my body. I feel like this is valid considering my size, cellulite, and stretch marks; however, it probably has more to do with body dysmorphia. On the opposite side, I am disgusted by how many lies and behaviors I am using. I haven’t hid food or lied about what I ate in months. Now it’s an everyday occurrence. Naturally this has brought on self-hatred which is a great mix.
  • Relieved. Yesterday was supposed to be completely full from 8am-3pm. My psych appt was canceled luckily so now that frees up a good hour and a half. I also most likely don’t have group (they haven’t even called back :/) so that means nothing after my DEXA scan at 2. It’s going to be nap central after my 5:45 wake up this morning.
  • Heartbroken. Right now I’m trying to accept and deal with it in the best way I can. I’ll share my thoughts here at some point.

Happenings

  • Thanksgiving. Ugh it was bad, but thank God it’s over. Now I have a month to prepare and stress for Christmas. Ah, the holidays are fun when you have an eating disorder.
  • Last bible study. I’m so sad this is now over 😦 I have loved every moment of it: finding faith in my recovery, fellowship, hearing from amazing women, and more. I’m thankful I chose to participate in the class. We plan on getting together a few times before the second half of the class begins in February.
  • Medical tests. Dr. C deals with eating disorders in HS. L had me go to her because I haven’t had any sort of medical check-up since early this year. You never know what physical problems can arise from EDs. Last week I got 6ish vials of blood drawn. This morning I had an echocardiogram and I will get my DEXA (bone density) scan this afternoon. I then see her tomorrow to find out results. I’m nervous that something could be wrong, but I’m trying to just make it through.
  • Adulted by going to group! I took initiative while waiting for my DEXA scan and called the eating disorder place where my new therapist is. I’m honestly really surprised I ended up attending at all. The Ed thoughts were loud and almost overpowered my decision. Yesterday I went to group from 4-5:30. My worries were endless: would it help? will I be the largest girl? is it triggering? will I even like my new therapist who leads it? Group went way better than I expected. We talked about values, eating disorder v. ours. In my pie chart of which take up my time I had less than one third healthy thoughts. That hit me. I know that the ED is overwhelming, but it has basically taken over my whole life. I don’t have room for the things I value most: compassion, hard work ethic, helping others, faith, etc. My hopeful future chart swapped out the size of each category. I know that healing won’t happen overnight. It’s hard work to get out of this mindset. Instead of huge unrealistic goals, we made attainable ones. Mine is to blog more since it’s both self-care and something I enjoy. This means hopefully you’ll see a post every day 🙂

Ramblings

  • The end of fall semester is just over 2 weeks away. What?!?! It has gone by so freaking slowly but fast at the same time. I think part of it feeling so weird is that I haven’t dropped/don’t plan to. I’m really thankful I have avoided treatment so I can get my credits. The stress and setbacks are worth it, at least I hope.
  • I love/hate how much L kicks me in the butt. I can get so mad at her! Well, I suppose mainly the Ed side but still.. I realize all the challenges and tough love have helped me work harder. I really wish it wasn’t so hard but that’s kinda the point.
  • I absolutely need to “keep my eyes on the prize.” My future has to keep being important to me so I don’t become hopeless. I want so much better than this for myself. I hope to become a nurse, wife, and mothers. I need to help others, support mental health/eating disorders in some way. My dreams should matter.

TFHR 11/01/16

Whelp. Ony half a week late on publishing this. This TFHR is all from last week’s experiences. On the coming Tuesday I should be abe to write about this week.

Thoughts

  • How does a psychiatrist not know what to do and not do with patients who have an eating disorder? It’s pretty dang simple if you really think about it. Don’t tell them weights, mention that they could lose some and be fine, ask if they’re eating too much or healthy enough, etc.
  • I still feel pretty jerky for Weds night choir practice. I was having a hard time learning it and when two girls offered to sing along by the piano I kinda bailed.
  • Our bible study today was on being content and showing gratitude. This project I have is the perfect example of finding blessings in my life.
  • I need to stop being lazy on my homework, but maybe it’s simply because I haven’t been eating enough. Hmm.

Feelings

  • Sentimental. As it creeps closer to my one year admission to CFD, all of these emotions come up. I know I shouldn’t desire to go back. I realize I have to do everything right this time. I’m doing it without any higher form of treatment. The bad part is that I don’t have accountability. There have been many many highs and lows since coming home, but one thing’s for sure: CFD has changed me forever but I would head back in a heartbeat, even if I’m not sick enough to be there.
  • Drained. I am physicality exhausted but the mental exhaustion is getting to me more. I can’t put full effort into anything and I have lost interest in all things. I am not myself when I’m in this funk and I have to rescue myself.
  • Inspired. Each woman in the ED bible study is unique and shares their story that is never alike another. Their courage gives me the push to work hard and keep God in my recovery.

Happenings

  • I bought Ensure. I’ve had a lot of negative emotions surrounding this, but Livvy directed me to this post I wrote. Now I can see that this is a good, pro-recovery choice.
  • I had the worst day/night ever last night. I fell asleep once, woke up around dinner, decided not to eat, slept for another hour, decided not to get up, then slept for two hour periods all night long. I woke up early with super low blood sugar and shaking so bad I thought I could be having something very serious.
  • My favorite coworker came home from college! It was wonderful seeing her at church Sunday. We caught up and laughed and fellowshipped with some other sweet girls.
  • Another amazing week at my ED bible study. The lesson was on discontentment. These women are incredibly strong, open, and encouraging.
  • Worked all days of this weekend. Blech. It’s not that I hate my job or anything. It’s hard to be super enthusiastic when I’m on call or others are being difficult during turns.
  • Sang in the church choir without passing out or dying!

Ramblings

  • I am so freaking ready for this stupid election to be over. I wish it would have been over with months ago. I don’t believe we have good candidates. Social media just makes everything worse. Now, you can share your opinion ASAP and watch as people argue and declare the you are no longer friends. Hearing about all of this at least one hundred times a day is so old. Pleas let it stop after next Tuesday.
  • The professionals in my treatment team truly matter when it comes to my identity. A red flag with my old dietitian was her refusal to work with my goals very well. She discounted my beliefs all of the time. My new dietitian L is the opposite. She hears me and lets us decide my treatment together. I feel heard and respected. If only all dietitians, therapists, and psychiatrists were this way.

TFHR 10/25/16

Today I’m bringing back my old favorite post series. I really enjoy the TFHR format because it updates many different aspects of how I’m doing/what’s going on/etc. I plan (hope) to do one either every week or every other week. For now, the goal is writing it Tuesday night (so it will be Weds-Tues on the post) which will really show up early Wednesday.

Thoughts

  • The semester is half over! I do like my classes for the most part, but I am ready for it to be done. The living situation is out of control. I really don’t want to go into it but I constantly feel the need to pull out my hair. Ugh.
  • I am not enough, a core belief that has been a catalyst to what now consumes my life. That phrase has come and gone over the years but right now is growing louder.
  • I cannot wait to be a nurse or even start core nursing classes! My passion for nursing only grows as learn more about how my life will be. There are options in all fields, and I specifically want to work peds or NICU. I know I will make a great nurse one day, but I want that day to be soon!
  • I have been in a cycle of ED thoughts. I go from urges/I am so fat to restriction to seeing my body as better  and finally back to the beginning. It is a ////////////vicious cycle which only ends in death. I work hard everyday to keep myself from getting any closer.

Feelings

  • Blessed. I have a wonderful church family, therapist, support people, and my mom. I try not to take these things for granted.
  • Lonely. I haven’t stepped out of my dorm room (other than eating, groups, driving places) really all semester. I know that ‘s bad, but I keep telling myself that isn’t true.
  • Relieved. My adviser appointment went wonderfully last week. I am right on track for nursing and will apply sometimes before January. She feels good about where I stand, and if I keep this up I am very likely making it in. I’m nervous and stressed sill. God is in control and I will do my very best.
  • Sad. In the sane appointment decided ti drop my rock-climbing course. I’ve only been a few times this semester. With my EDS flaring up and several subluxations, I know it would only hurt me. I love rock-climbing but also realize my limits (something I never would have acknowledged last year).
  • Anxiety/fear. A ton of things make this list, grades being one of them. The largest contributor now is Milo. I take him to the vet Friday. The only symptom that may be wrong is a little gunk in his eyes. I’m talking a tiny amount, kind of like we get randomly. In chinchillas this can be a sign of a really deadly disease, and of course I already expect the worst.

Happenings

  • Today was a really great ED bible study group. We went over truth v lies , which was applicable to other parts of your life as well. These women have been a godsend. I am finally being understood and that is amazing.
  • On Friday I see my dietitian for the first time. I need this more than ever. I’m praying that we can work out a way to get me back on track and (unfortunately/disappointingly) follow a meal plan. And I hope that meal plan is from CFD because I can’t handle emotional attachment.
  • Right now I’m on advising break! We have today and tomorrow off which is so nice. Somewhat sad they don’t just schedule it as a long weekend but oh well.
  • I have a car! My parents gave me my dad’s old car. It’s convenient because I can go to the store, support groups, drive home, etc
  • Speaking of driving home, I now do so every weekend and on Wednesday.
  • I am rewatching Private Practice and it’s making me all kinds of happy!
  • I got to meet my old childhood friend’s baby and he is the cutest squirmiest little nugget.
  • A happy anti-ED behavior: Mom and I have dollar tacos together on Fridays. We have the best Mexican place near our house and I pick them up when I drive home.
  • I’ve slowly shopped for more clothes, since I do need them. Definitely not an easy task, yet I know this will take me out of this way I feel about my body once i get better fitting clothes.
  • Work work work all the days of the weekend (not thattt long but still)

Ramblings

  • I am so freaking annoyed with election season!!! Okay the memes are pretty funny, but everything else makes me want to throw up. Politics aren’t something I enjoy to begin with, and having people spew their thoughts on social media (and argue with people) is the worst. The presidential election definitely takes the cake with how much it’s in the media. Local elections here are also ridiculous. There are campaign ads and stupid signs everywhere. We receive approximately 10 pieces of mail a week. I realize that we are given the right to vote in our country and I am voting for the first time because I honor that privilege. Currently just counting down the days until it’s all finished.
  • Not to be the old grandma who kills all the fun, but why to adult college girls get the idea that it’s okay to screech obnoxiously at all hours of the day? They are sadly worse than middle schoolers with the intensity, volume, and lack of maturity. College is meant to be fun; however, you are finally an adult and need to act like one.
  • My nutrition prof is so understanding and cares about my well-being. We have 3 diet analysis activities and he is allowing me to do other small projects instead. He is well receptive to my needs as someone in recovery. Profs like him make college much better for everyone.

And that’s all folks! This is a day late but not lacking much of what the last few weeks were like!