TFHR – 10/03/17

It’s been forever and a half, so here’s a current TFHR!

Thoughts

  • I love blogging. I missed blogging. It has been beyond amazing to be back here again. This is a huge coping skill for mirror. Not much beats opening up a blank post and watching it come to life, especially when I can either tell my story or spread awareness.
  • I can acknowledge my progress, finally. It has been difficult in the past to do so, but my self-talk and perception of events is so much better give
  • I am so dang lucky to live in West Michigan. I cannot get enough of the beach, state park, sunsets, etc. It seriously is one of the most beautiful places.
  • I need to get back on track ASAP before it ends up like last fall or spring. I can’t afford that and I really don’t want it for myself regardless.
  • I am noticing some of the same old distorted thinking come back again. I’m glad I can recognize it, but now the hafrd part will be challenging the thoughts as they come.

Feelings

  • Everything.  I just feel like this overwhelmed, confused ball of emotions. I have found it hard to even connect this to anything or recognize where it’s all coming from,.
  • Nostalgic. I just miss treatment so damn much. I keep thinking of all the memories I have. A lot of me wants to go back there, or at least bring back the girls and support.
  • Down (Depressed?). I should be used to this by now, but every time I go from normalish to not is still a shock. I’m hoping it can be temporary.
  • Connection. I am not that surprised with the amount of empathy and compassion I feel towards the patients. I know plenty of what they’re feeling. I had one tell me how crazy they felt up until they were in treatment. I feared that as well. I had another talking about how hard it is going outside only once a day. I completely get that. It feels claustrophobic to be stuck inside a cold hospital all day. Even if it is difficult being back at the hospital, I know my experience there has helped shape me into a better nurse for my patients.
  • Proud (of myself). I already am seeing a huge difference each day I work with patients. Today, I was cool and collected. I shook off the nerves and communicated really well. I feared the therapeutic communication portion of nursing at first. It hasn’t come easily, but I am so proud of myself that I’m growing in that area.

Happenings

  • Work is weird. I don’t know what exactly I expected when coming back to work, but I didn’t think things would have changed the way they have. I am not a crew leader, there are a ton of new people, and I just feel weird. I guess it’s hard to pinpoint? Being back to retreat season is definitely different than before. We have full crew turns that mirror summer and even more new people. I feel like I barely even know what work will bring anymore.
  • Rewatching Grey’s Anatomy. I feel super accomplished because I finished the entirety of Grey’s last week. I only started at the end of July and was at work/IOP plenty of that time period.
  • EDS pain. Unfortunately, work means working my joints in ways they haven’t been for months. I feel exhausted each time. I can always count on pain, namely from my right shoulder and elbow, and more recently left knee. I have to find a balance and take care of myself. Ehlers-Danlos is not a joke.
  • Tons of groups/appointments. I feel like I am constantly talking about my emotions, triggers, mealplan, etc. I kind of am, truthfully. Mondays and Thursdays both include multiple forms of treatment. It almost feels like I am living between these appointments, at least when I’m not doing well. I am trying not to let that happen this time around.
  • Shared MY story for an assignment in my nursing class. I still can’t believe this happened. I didn’t even use pseudonyms like I planned. Granted, literally anyone who has me on Facebook or Insta could easily find out about my eating disorder. I don’t try to hide it really. I want for it to be something others connect to, learn from, and understand eating disorder more because of it.
  • Seeing all the people at FV. Today I counted at least 5 people I knew. Some were from ED, like the amazing dietitian, and others just randomly from my inpatient stay. I wanted nothing more than to say hi and thank them, especially my old dietitian. I didn’t do these things but I hope to find an opportunity to say hello soon.
  • First test(s). Yesterday I had my first exam in our theory class and Friday will be one in the strategies class. I’m not feeling the most confident about them and my stress level is pretty high. I know it’s only the first test, but I’m so worried about the future. What if I actually cannot do this?
  • Validation. I know someone who is a charge nurse at the other psych hospital my professor works at. She messaged me on Saturday night asking about who my instructor is. It turns out she was sitting right next to her at work! She told my prof that she knew me, and she had some good feedback. My prof was impressed by how I handled last week, since I had little time to catch my patient before discharge. She also said my nursing process was great. I wasn’t feeling the most confident about these things, so hearing about it was uplifting. My hard work is paying off.

Ramblings

  • The conversations at IOP/treatment peeps in general are amazing, stimulating, and have nothing to do with ED. It’s wonderful. I especially love how feminism/some politics come up in the weirdest way. Those things are important given the state of our country and all.
  • honestly part of me cannot believe that Dr. VanDouchebag is still around and in charge of kids/ED at FV. A story I heard of his actions today angered me a little bit. It sounds very similar to things he would say about or to ED patients in the past. I know he’s the doctor and everything, but condescending isn’t the answer to helping patients.
  • Gah I want to speak up about my time at FV. I talked a bit about this, but I can’t wrap my head around it. I almost feel like it would be proving how sick I was before. This isn’t healthy. What would be a reasonable and healthy way to share this with my prof? Probably not at all.
  • I don’t have many words about Las Vegas, just prayers. One thing I want to mention is how sick I am of political things coming out when we should be supporting during a tragedy. I don’t feel like now is the right time to debate topics. I do share some of the same views as those who are (in a way) turning it into a debate. There is a time and place for that, but it isn’t in the wake of one of the worst loss of human life I’ve experienced in my lifetime.

And that’s all for now! I haven’t decided how often I would like do these. Maybe it’ll be sporadic instead of scheduled, but I’m not sure yet. I do like how it gives a nice overview of life currently.

Long, long overdue update.

I really hate not blogging for so long (besides one off topic post), but I also needed a break. I’ve been spending hours upon hours of each day living and breathing treatment. 4.5 weeks in residential, another 3.5 in PHP, and now I’m back at IOP. It’s exhausting, to say the least, but now I am finally ready to explain the last 2+ months.

I left for residential on May 25th. Thankfully, I was able to once again be admitted into the same SoCal location as before. It felt like returning home. Around half the staff is the same, so I immediately received half a dozen hugs. Knowing everything about the program meant a hell of a lot less anxiety compared to last time. At the same time, I had plenty of worries about the other girls. The time before brought some not so great drama filled days, so I desperately wanted to avoid that. I was blessed with 5 of the most amazing women I have ever met. They made the experience better than I imagined. More importantly, though, was the staff and what happened because of them. My therapist was a perfect match. She gave me the confidence and safe space to speak about the most shameful memories and past that I’ve never talked about before. She listened and believed me. She comforted me, inspired me, pushed me, and supported me. I could not be more grateful, so I still update her now. One counselor in particular was a complete blessing to me. She’s a strong Christian and compassion just oozed out of her. I also shared some of the same things I did with my counselor, and actually with her first. There are about a million more things I want to write about regarding resi, but I’ll save that for another post (or 20 🙂 ). For now, I’ll just end with the fact that I learned more than I thought possible. I knew I would change, but I guess I just didn’t expect it as much as I should have.

I discharged from CFD on June 26th. I panicked when I first found out the date around 10 days prior. Suddenly, going home was actually on the radar. An immense fear of the same environment came over me. I felt stronger, but not enough to handle everything so soon. We had always planned on just starting IOP three days a week after. That Monday before I brought up the idea of heading to ERC’s Chicago PHP program. It was a huge risk to go there, but ultimately it’s what was best. After spending under a day and a half at home, I was off to Chicago, with the support of my treatment teams from CFD and home.

I struggled immediately after admitting to ERC. The program was completely different than CFD: three times the size, therapy just once a week, a new mealplan I hated. Those first almost two weeks were miserable. I had pretty much given up hope of gaining anything. I wasn’t open in the least bit. Something changed in me, and suddenly I wanted to work hard again. I took notes and participated and challenged my ED 24/7. I realized that the chance to come was a privilege. I could have been home, but instead I worked hard to get more treatment. My original plan was just under 3 weeks of time. I used money as the main factor in why I couldn’t stay. The team didn’t buy it, and offered financial help to keep me longer. I accepted. I ended up getting more out of the last 2ish weeks there than I imagined. I settled in, made friends, worked hard. I again am grateful for the opportunity to stepdown instead of coming straight home. I left the 24th with even more growth under my belt.

I started IOP the day after my discharge. Now I’m there twice a week for the full day and therapy 2 days. It’s been almost two weeks and I’m mostly used to being home. This certainly isn’t easy. Adjustments aren’t my favorite, and here I am with some huge ones. I am just beginning to mourn leaving treatment. I am “treatment sick” terribly. I miss it all: the support, staff, girls, safety, weather, adventure, challenges, essentially just about everything. This may be the hardest part now. I am figuring out how to do it (mostly) on my own. I want this. I need this. I will put all that I’m able so I can finally live.

It’s just over 4 weeks until nursing begins. This last bit of summer needs to have the same amount of effort as the first 10 weeks. My life, my future, and my freedom depends on it. Spending all of summer in treatment wasn’t anywhere close to what I had hoped going into it, but this has given me a fighting chance and a will to live. I am blessed.

TFHR 5/01/17

It has been forever and a half since I’ve done one of these, and I really like being able to give a little update on life, things going on, etc.

Thoughts

  • I LOVE YOGA. It is the one time where i can fully let go of thoughts, relax, strengthen my body (especially my crappy EDS joints!), and overall increase my mood. I often don’t have time until night, but whenever I can do it earlier the rest of my day is just a little more positive. I am going to work hard to stay healthy and still be able to practice.
  • I am lucky to have some really great support people. Of course, there is my person. She has been there for years and I cannot say enough about how much she matters to me. I love everything about our relationship, and also that she is helping me stay accountable. I need that now. I also have some very sweet girls I met through treatment. They are truly wonderful and we are always there for each other.
  • Will I ever actually be free? This thought has crept in as I continue down the path of being halfway into recovery and towards a major relapse. I learned recently that the average length of treatment before full recovery is 8 yrs. I don’t really know quite how accurate that is, but if it is true that would mean I could still have 4 yrs left. I don’t want that for myself. To be honest, it makes me question whether recovery is really worth that. Oh pessimism is fun.
  • This semester has been pretty terrible. I have struggled more than ever and I’m exhausted. This whole relapse/heading backwards has made even getting up to class exhausting. I have racing thoughts about finishing up classes, wonder if I’m really just a failure, etc. Most of all, I am now very concerned with what happens after school. Will I be able to hold up this “I’m fine” act when I’m there 24/7? How terrible would it be if my parents find out? Will it be a bad environment? So many questions with not many answers.

Feelings

  • Frustrated. Everything has been hard. I have butted heads with my entire treatment team. They try to convince me I need to change xyz and I (or Ed) counter that it isn’t necessary and I am fine. I’ve gone against what they suggest and it is basically one huge mess. Part of me wants to change that, but for the most part it just continues on. Also, there are many stressors at home, which I get pulled into at times. That stinks because half the time I am not even there to experience it first-hand or it isn’t in my control.
  • Overwhelmed by: school, family stress, more school, amount of food I need to eat, ED thoughts and urges, amount of pressure on me to do “what I need to do,” summer ahead, uncertainty over the need for treatment, scheduling, working, keeping up with everything, and more that I cannot think of at the moment.
  • Fearful. The last month has brought some heavy sessions with realizations. There is something wrong here. I’ve had clarity when it becomes easier to use restrictive behaviors than it is to just eat the food (for example hiding/throwing out food all of the time, skipping meals when no one is watching). My exercise sometimes feels a little out of my control. The fact that I don’t feel all that able to stop is also concerning. Most of the time I coud care less, but those moments I actually find myself agreeing with my team (just a little, though).
  • Stressed. School is the main/huge one. I have an uphill battle for the next 2.5 weeks again, but then it is finally over. I cannot wait for that sigh of relief. That will not be the end of my stress, however. My treatment team is adding pressure as they see me slipping (R actually used deteriorating today in session). That’s hard to deal with. I feel if I don’t do what I am supposed to I’ll just be strongly encouraged to seek higher care. It is constantly in the back of my mind.
  • Distrustful/skeptical. I like my team, I really do. I actually just saw the new dietitian today (treatment update in a post soon) and she seems like a great fit. A no-BSer which I probably maybe need. No matter how much I like them, it isn’t going to change the level of skepticism, distrust, and disbelief I have. They tell me I am worse than I believe, that the “goal weight” I have is unhealthy, that I’ve lost weight. I cannot process any of it as truth. It has led to some back and forth about the issues.
  • Excited. Nursing classes are getting closer every second (127 days!) and I could not be more excited. I’ve waited forever to finally begin the classes that I’m passionate about. My shots are up to date, uniform and equipment ordered, drug test completed, and I basically just have some paperwork left to do. This is the one thing that motivates me the most because I won’t give up this dream. I am going to be a kick-ass nurse.

Happenings

  • My 27th EKG of the past 3 years (slight exaggeration, ha!) was this past Wednesday. In theory it really shouldn’t be abnormal. We shall see. A new medication has resulted in my resting HR going from 80-100 avg down to 55-70. This is way out of my personal norm. I probably was in need for one anyways. Positive note: it’s hilarious talking to other ED friends about how normal it is for us to get EKGs, blood draws, etc. My brother, on the other hand, has had 1 or maybe 2 blood draws ever. #edproblems
  • Lovely meal plan changes. My meal plan has been the same since I started IOP in December. I also was following CFD’s exchange rules from that point onward. Not anymore. R decided to switch me to the FV exchange/meal planning style (which I HATE with a passion) since she is concerned with me getting enough of certain exchanges per meal. Also, it was increased which only has made the transition harder. She decreased it at our final appt last week (thank God because I no longer feel like such a failure) but also made some rules that I’m not happy about. K, my new dietitian, modified the rules a bit more today. I don’t like change so it would be great if that doesn’t happen again anytime soon, okay? Gah
  • IOP->groups. This actually happened a few months ago during my break from blogging. I did full IOP from December through the end of January, then attended all groups plus one full day of IOP for the next month, and slowly tapered a bit more to get to where I am now: process groups Tues/Thurs, therapy usually on Monday morning, and now my dietitian appts should be right after therapy. It still is quite a bit, just no meal or snack support. I am very thankful I have the time there still. Unfortunately, I don’t think they will just move me up to IOP once schools done, if higher treatment is deemed necessary.
  • Mocking (aka hammocking). It is one of my favorite pastimes ever, and it’s really nice that I finally can go outside. There’s something special about being in nature and a really comfy position. I actually had my smaller hammock set up to sleep in for around a month, and I plan on doing the same this summer. It’s good for the soul (and my painful joints) 🙂

Ramblings

  • Two words: diet culture. At this point, I am pretty desensitized to the whole deal, and most of the time ignore it. There are moments I fall into the ideals, but I’m more so plain disgusted by it all. I also worry for others who constantly see this as truth. Imagine all of the kids who are going to grow up believing that they need to alter their appearance, that any fat is too much, with restriction or some magic pill being the only way to happiness. I just want to scoop them all up and tell them how little their appearance or weight actually matters. I also want to slap any people responsible and tell them what obsession with weight loss, etc can do. A rant will be coming your way soon; I’ll link it here when I’m done fuming and can actually collect my thoughts. Preview: it’s a disgusting book I found at Meijer, sitting right near some things for kids.
  • R leaving. The first thing Dr. C said when I told her R would be leaving was “Well you must scare off all your dietitians.” Okay, she has a point. My first school dietitian left while I was in treatment, then failed to notify CFD which means I went with none for a good month and a half. Next L left while I was doing IOP (so I didn’t get to say goodbye either 😦 ). And now R is done and I only had her as mine for maybe 2 months. What a wonderful journey as someone who hates change AND has already had an entire switch in treatment teams the past 5 months. At least K doesn’t plan on leaving anytime soon?
  • Rock climbing. So I thought I was cool about not being able to do one of my most favorite activities in my time at Calvin. I mean I have yoga, which I love just as much. Yeah, that changed when I saw all the climbers as I was heading into my appt with Dr C. I asked her once again and cried a little in the bathroom after she gave a firm “no.” I suppose there’s next year?

And that’s all for now! Getting back into blogging more has been wonderful so far 🙂

Where I’m at / where I’ve been

It feels like ages since I’ve updated here, really “just” 3 weeks, and it has been (at least by my standards). Technically I last posted 3 weeks ago, but I also have drafted at least 4 posts since then. I am a serial drafter, I believe. I only have 36 currently. My ideas for topics are never-ending, so I start one post only to succumb to perfectionism and quit early. Anyways, I don’t have a great reason as to why I haven’t pulled the trigger and published something. Most likely, it’s a combination of writer’s block, feeling overwhelmed, and low motivation.

The past three weeks have been ROUGH treatment-wise. I feel for the staff at IOP, because I have been stubborn as hell and somewhat defiant. I feel pretty bad looking back at some of the conversations I’ve had. There are multiple factors behind this, which I will explain in a post soonish. A quick rundown: fear , being stuck between full recovery and Ed, lack of motivation, depression, and plain not wanting to give up my eating disorder. I am doing somewhat better now. I am trying to trust this process and not my disordered thoughts. Easier said that done, but I think/hope it will happen.

Last week was my first back at school. I am taking psychopathology, american literature, world history, and spanish. I am most excited about psychopathology. Lit seems like a great class too, especially with a friend (and fellow nursing student!) and wacky/amazing prof. My psych prof is also wonderful. I actually don’t mind the history class content-wise and the lectures and are relatively interesting. Spanish is with my same professor (thankfully). Overall, it isn’t crazy yet. I am beginning to feel more stress and worry over how things escalate the next few weeks. Hopefully I can keep my sanity, but time shall tell.

Because of school, I’m obviously not able to do IOP 3 times a week. My schedule wasn’t exactly made with that in mind, so getting there is kinda tricky. On Monday’s, my last class ends at 2:20. I am able to get there within 20 minutes and get to attend half of process, snack, and art therapy. I stay until 5 and head back, usually stopping at Meijer first. Tuesday’s I have class until 1:20. I again leave right after and arrive at 1:40ish. This is halfway through the first group (typically this is experiential). We have another group following which is activity therapy of some sort, sometimes an outing. Process group is after snack and we’re done at 5:30. Thursday’s I only have 2 classes, psych in the morning and spanish 12:30-1:20. The issue with my schedule is that I wouldn’t be able to attend the full day of IOP at all, unless I skip spanish. After advocating for myself I got approval to do so. After last week, I am appreciative of my professor’s support of my treatment. I need this, at least for now. I am not ready to step down entirely yet, and now I don’t have to.

Going from complete boredom and feeling stagnant for over a month to a hectic schedule is stressful, to say the least. I haven’t gotten a hang of this yet. I’m hoping to move and grow through this period of change, not become overwhelmed by it.

There is much more to be said about my thoughts now and even more so my time in IOP. I promise that will come soon!

 

Finals week.

It’s upon us and I may feel like death until I take my last exam. Once I’m free of all of that stress I’ll have time to post more again. I have an exam tomorrow and Thursday so by the weekend I will get a little break. I have lots to update on! Until then, here’s some memes that explain my life right now.

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stress-everywhere

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TFHR 10/25/16

Today I’m bringing back my old favorite post series. I really enjoy the TFHR format because it updates many different aspects of how I’m doing/what’s going on/etc. I plan (hope) to do one either every week or every other week. For now, the goal is writing it Tuesday night (so it will be Weds-Tues on the post) which will really show up early Wednesday.

Thoughts

  • The semester is half over! I do like my classes for the most part, but I am ready for it to be done. The living situation is out of control. I really don’t want to go into it but I constantly feel the need to pull out my hair. Ugh.
  • I am not enough, a core belief that has been a catalyst to what now consumes my life. That phrase has come and gone over the years but right now is growing louder.
  • I cannot wait to be a nurse or even start core nursing classes! My passion for nursing only grows as learn more about how my life will be. There are options in all fields, and I specifically want to work peds or NICU. I know I will make a great nurse one day, but I want that day to be soon!
  • I have been in a cycle of ED thoughts. I go from urges/I am so fat to restriction to seeing my body as better  and finally back to the beginning. It is a ////////////vicious cycle which only ends in death. I work hard everyday to keep myself from getting any closer.

Feelings

  • Blessed. I have a wonderful church family, therapist, support people, and my mom. I try not to take these things for granted.
  • Lonely. I haven’t stepped out of my dorm room (other than eating, groups, driving places) really all semester. I know that ‘s bad, but I keep telling myself that isn’t true.
  • Relieved. My adviser appointment went wonderfully last week. I am right on track for nursing and will apply sometimes before January. She feels good about where I stand, and if I keep this up I am very likely making it in. I’m nervous and stressed sill. God is in control and I will do my very best.
  • Sad. In the sane appointment decided ti drop my rock-climbing course. I’ve only been a few times this semester. With my EDS flaring up and several subluxations, I know it would only hurt me. I love rock-climbing but also realize my limits (something I never would have acknowledged last year).
  • Anxiety/fear. A ton of things make this list, grades being one of them. The largest contributor now is Milo. I take him to the vet Friday. The only symptom that may be wrong is a little gunk in his eyes. I’m talking a tiny amount, kind of like we get randomly. In chinchillas this can be a sign of a really deadly disease, and of course I already expect the worst.

Happenings

  • Today was a really great ED bible study group. We went over truth v lies , which was applicable to other parts of your life as well. These women have been a godsend. I am finally being understood and that is amazing.
  • On Friday I see my dietitian for the first time. I need this more than ever. I’m praying that we can work out a way to get me back on track and (unfortunately/disappointingly) follow a meal plan. And I hope that meal plan is from CFD because I can’t handle emotional attachment.
  • Right now I’m on advising break! We have today and tomorrow off which is so nice. Somewhat sad they don’t just schedule it as a long weekend but oh well.
  • I have a car! My parents gave me my dad’s old car. It’s convenient because I can go to the store, support groups, drive home, etc
  • Speaking of driving home, I now do so every weekend and on Wednesday.
  • I am rewatching Private Practice and it’s making me all kinds of happy!
  • I got to meet my old childhood friend’s baby and he is the cutest squirmiest little nugget.
  • A happy anti-ED behavior: Mom and I have dollar tacos together on Fridays. We have the best Mexican place near our house and I pick them up when I drive home.
  • I’ve slowly shopped for more clothes, since I do need them. Definitely not an easy task, yet I know this will take me out of this way I feel about my body once i get better fitting clothes.
  • Work work work all the days of the weekend (not thattt long but still)

Ramblings

  • I am so freaking annoyed with election season!!! Okay the memes are pretty funny, but everything else makes me want to throw up. Politics aren’t something I enjoy to begin with, and having people spew their thoughts on social media (and argue with people) is the worst. The presidential election definitely takes the cake with how much it’s in the media. Local elections here are also ridiculous. There are campaign ads and stupid signs everywhere. We receive approximately 10 pieces of mail a week. I realize that we are given the right to vote in our country and I am voting for the first time because I honor that privilege. Currently just counting down the days until it’s all finished.
  • Not to be the old grandma who kills all the fun, but why to adult college girls get the idea that it’s okay to screech obnoxiously at all hours of the day? They are sadly worse than middle schoolers with the intensity, volume, and lack of maturity. College is meant to be fun; however, you are finally an adult and need to act like one.
  • My nutrition prof is so understanding and cares about my well-being. We have 3 diet analysis activities and he is allowing me to do other small projects instead. He is well receptive to my needs as someone in recovery. Profs like him make college much better for everyone.

And that’s all folks! This is a day late but not lacking much of what the last few weeks were like!

While I was gone

My absence has not been the result of me doing too well to blog about my eating disorder. In reality, I admit I have basically ignored the work I need to put into recovery. I attended therapy every week and ate enough food; however, I was just going through the motions. I made little to no progress on my thought patterns. Summer was hard. I dealt with extreme stress at work, guilt/shame, isolated, barely did anything I love, etc. Returning to school has been a wakeup call. I’ve slipped into some old habits simply because I don’t do much to prevent it. Triggers are everywhere – diet talk, being in the same place that contributed to my downward spiral, feeling like I have no people here, isolation because of that, school stress, perfectionism in classes (last week I got a 97 on my bio test and beat myself up about it for a few days), fear of eating in the dining room. Fall at school hasn’t been good for my ED since I first started using behaviors. I want to do my best to prevent another season of hell.

Currently I feel that I’m sort of in this alone with little help. I see my therapist once every two weeks. Before this, I’d only gone two weeks without every once in a while (maybe every other month), so it’s been a huge adjustment. I would be slightly more stable and definitely more accountable if it was a weekly thing. I just get off track sometimes. I no longer see my dietitian or keep any sort of meal diary as of Julyish. I honestly have no desire to see her again, even if she was helpful. $45 a session is too much to go more than once a month. Health services has a new dietitian form the same company as my old one from school did. Slowly, I’ve warmed up to the idea of working with her. I tend not to trust many professionals who “deal with eating disorders” because I’ve encountered many who really don’t (case in point: therapist #2). But, I bit the bullet and emailed health services Thursday. I haven’t told my therapist (I see her Tuesday) and before she was worried it could be detrimental. I’ve spent time thinking and praying. Ultimately, I need to have a mealplan again. Maybe I’ll go a few months and then be back on track, but I am willing to put in the time and work. I am trying everything that could help this fall not be a repeat of last.

I have felt very, very alone in my ED struggles all summer and since being back in school. Honestly, since residential I just haven’t had a positive yet open outlet to express my feelings with those who understand. The one at school was so-so. On one hand, it helped me see I wasn”t alone, but all we did was small skill building activities. I never felt comfortable sharing how I was really doing. As much as I would like to try the ED group on campus, which has a different leader now, it won’t work with my schedule currently. Do I even want to, though? Instead I attend 2 different groups now. Forest View one (my gosh how weird it is to be back there so often now, in the same PHP room with the same cold hospital feel) is every other Monday night. I actually shared quite a bit this past week. I do enjoy the people, conversations, and leaders. This Tuesday was the first meeting for a 7 week ED women’s bible study at a church just a little down the road from campus. I was terrified to go. Like so many times I have worried myself sick, I loved it. I have never had something that ties my faith into recovery (at least not in this level). This is an opportunity to develop my relationship with Christ and use His strength for me to fight.

Other than the many issues I deal with in relation to my eating disorder, I have a ton on my plate of mental health and being. MIt has been a struggle. My depression has been unchanged for a long while. I went to my psych appointment and he upped a med. I’m not hopeful it will change a thing. I have little passion or energy for the things I love. Most days I will lay in my room from the second I’m out of class to when I go to bed. My SH thoughts have come back too. Added to my mental health issues I haven’t been able to sleep. Isolating occurs everyday I can’t remember when I’ve gotten more than 5 in recent weeks.It’s scary knowing that everything I am experiencing now could lead me down the sark pit.

The eating disorder cannot be my go-to for the rest of my life. None of my dreams could be accolmplished of that happens. I just hope and pray that I can make this happen.

Finals week craziness

My goodness has it been a CRAZY week! Finals and studying and church and work and Awana and a crazy art project. Here’s the jist of it, I definitely need to elaborate more on some later:

  • Finished up  both bio lab exams – one easy, the other not so much
  • Margie’s nephew still hasn’t called and I’m totally okay with this yup
  • Wrote a yoga paper in under an hour that was a complete joke
  • Got asked to use my paper on anorexia as an example from my psych prof
  • LESS THAN 2 MONTHS TIL NTS!!!! My girls are excited to have me come and I am so so so pumped
  • A scale smash is on the horizon
  • Unfollowed some accounts that weren’t doing any good in my recovery
  • Started work Tuesday and I absolutely love it. The people rock and its a great atmosphere with other Christians around 🙂
  • Planning a super secret surprise!
  • My last day of Early College is today! It’s so bittersweet but I’m extremely relieved to be done with this chapter of my life
  • Done with all exams except one for psych
  • This summer is going to involve so much time in God’s word and I am pumped and ready for it
  • Finally finished my annoying art project last night. We had to turn a box into a sculpture using xacto knives, glue, and whatever the box offered. Safe to say that neither hot glue or the sharp knives are my friend. I stabbed my finger pretty good and also have little burns all over my hands.
  • I haven’t looked at my grades since Monday because I was obsessing over them and it wasn’t a good thing. I’m going to pretend they don’t exist until after the final grades are in.
  • A Jenny quote from yesterday’s awesome therapy session: “You were facing hospitalization so making it through this semester at all is HUGE. I am amazed that you’re doing as well as you are.”
  • Yesterday was the last night of Awana 😦 I am going to miss those kids and seeing my favorite people in the middle of the week

That’s all for now. I have a ton I want to post about soon though!

Pows & Wows 2/26/15 and a promise for more posts soon!

I’ve been CRAZY busy this week. Busy to the point of not being at home most days forever and having so much homework once I got home that I had no time for anything else. Thankfully today is the last day for school this week and then I have break and I will be posting all about NEDA week and some other updates and all that jazz. For now It’ll be a quick Pows&Wows before my next class!

Pows

  • SO. MANY. MIDTERMS.
  • Finding out I have a Vitamin D deficiency.. yay more pills!
  • Stress on top of stress (thank you busy week and school)
  • Constant headaches and exhaustion
  • Stayed up until 1 or 2 for my lab report draft last night… that I could have been okay not doing.
  • Gave up on my goal of cutting back on pop because that’s not happening in the near future

Wows

  • Therapy is really good and helpful. Not that it wasn’t before but more exceptionally so now
  • I am talking to one of my supports and friend from way back when the ED was starting and I was in recovery from self harm. She is the best and it’s like all the time we didn’t talk never even happened 🙂
  • The Honors Fellows weekend was great! I had a ton of fun exploring campus and meeting people there. I did pretty good with food and the interview went well. I’m hopeful I will get in and super excited/anxious to find out!
  • Kim and I had our book study on Sunday but more so ended up talking about our eating disorders and just realizing how much they’ve taken from us. I was able to help her and it made me realize how much we need each other, not just me needing her. We also made goals for NEDA week for each other which I will post later today!
  • Lunch with Kim and her daughter on Sunday because we didn’t want hot dogs and also heading to Meijer with them. I love them both and it’s always nice to spend time together.
  • We built cars for our Awana pinewood derby on Sunday as well and it was fun to get pictures and fellowship with my awesome church family. Also super pumped for decorating my car!
  • Youth group was good and pretty low-key. We ate dove chocolate and started gluing down some of them to hang in our rooms. I also talked a bit about NEDA week and we made post its to hang up at school.
  • NEDA WEEK!!! I have been waiting for this week ever since I started true recovery. I love love love spreading awareness and this year I’ve done a lot more with opening up. I am posting part of my story each day on FB and IG with my wear purple selfie. It’s hard to do and Ed hates it but I’ve already received positive feedback and support for helping others through my story. I will post those later today as well!
  • I got to visit my grandpa yesterday and he’s doing better which is a relief
  • I photographed my first wedding yesterday! Technically it wasn’t a “true” wedding since it was at the courthouse but it was a good way to try out my new lens and practice more with portraits.
  • I’m going to be helping Kim edit senior pictures she’s taken of her son and also take some myself when spring finally gets here! I am so beyond excited to do my first real photography gig!! Also I offered to do family photos for them. I hope to find more people who want pictures done over the summer too.
  • Rick trusts me enough to give me free reign and create the middle school talk last night. I spoke about healthy friendship and other than the boys being disruptive I think it worked!

Just realized how much that is but I suppose almost two weeks of stuff has to be, right?