My name is Emily. I am currently fighting against anorexia as well as anxiety and depression. I have dealt with both anxiety and depression in some form since I can remember. Both have worsened in recent years but I am hopeful that with hard work on my part, therapy, and medication I will get better. I honestly can’t pinpoint when my eating disorder started. I have had low self esteem (including thoughts like “I’m too fat”) forever, but the behaviors really didn’t begin until about two years ago and intensified last fall. Last year was my senior year of high school and I was taking college classes. It began when I developed a fear of eating lunch at the college. I started eating less and less and eventually skipped lunch altogether most days. After fall semester, I had to eat at the career tech center instead. For about a month I did well but then it got worse and I ended up skipping lunches again. It felt like a huge spiral and suddenly I was in a world of calorie counting and weighing myself fifteen times a day and exercising whenever possible. It was extremely miserable but I couldn’t stop. In April I started seeing an “ED” therapist (I went to a different therapist from October till then and she helped with the depression and anxiety) and she helped a little initially. I don’t give her much credit because to be honest she said a ton of hurtful things and couldn’t do much for me, but it was like a band-aid that helped me get through senior year. This summer was HELL as far as the eating disorder goes. I went to Disney in Florida for HOSA Nationals five days in the end of June. It was an amazing experience ruined by my eating disorder. I honestly have no clue how I managed to avoid passing out because I didn’t eat anywhere near enough. Also, how the other two girls I roomed with or my instructor didn’t notice is beyond me. My mom tried to get me to eat more once I came home, but I spent the majority of the summer lying to her and losing weight. My mom and dad were both fed up with it at that point. I didn’t realize how much it was in control until I got my wisdom teeth out towards the end of July. I was in a lot of pain after it and that gave me a very valid excuse to restrict as much as possible. I don’t know exactly how much I lost during the first week after, but I know it was pretty bad. When I saw my therapist that week and she was shocked about the weight loss it kind of clicked in my head that I needed help. I had received a brochure for a treatment center near me from my psychologist in June and I started looking into it. My mom called and the next week I had my evaluation. They decided I would be admitted into their partial hospitalization program. I went very unwillingly at first. After two days the first week I saw that I needed to be there. I spent 16 days in PHP total and it has changed me. The girls there and the staff are amazing. I made many friendships and I gained not only weight but also a new view towards life. I am not even close to being recovered. I don’t choose recovery everyday. I am not committed to it by any means. With all that said, PHP has made me see why I need to recover. It’s given me hope. I do want this for me most days. That in itself is huge. I’m not perfect and everyday is a huge struggle, but I believe in myself and I know I will beat Ed one day.
This blog is going to be a diary of sorts. I want a place where I can write everything I’m feeling and look back on things I’ve overcome and struggles I’ve faced. It is 100% for my own healing and benefit. I also will continue to post on my Tumblr, but this blog will contain more personal posts and possibly triggering information at times.