This post will be divided into two parts. First will be my own version of Transformation Tuesday and the second my therapy homework in a Then vs Now assignment.

This is the first time I’ve put together pictures of me at my sickest in Disney last summer (although this is still above my lowest) and a picture from when I fully committed to recovery. There’s a huge physical difference obviously but there’s so much more than just weight between the two pictures. On the left I have huge dark circles under my eyes. My hips, sternum, ribs, collarbones, and just about everything that is usually covered by fat/skin wasn’t. That smile is so fake. I couldn’t get over how fat I thought I was. I was freezing even though it was 95 degrees. My eating was terrible. I isolated from most everyone. I spent hours each day crying over food and weight. My anxiety and depression were insane. I passed out or fell over nearly every day. I was miserable and I was dying.

I am not the girl on the left anymore and I thank God for that. I have gained weight and it’s hard to accept; however, I’ve gained so much life that it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I am learning to love myself and my new body. I am fighting Ed each day instead of embracing him. I smile and laugh and live joyfully. I push through my meals and fight any urges. I am being transformed each day. I think I actually love the girl I’m becoming.

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Then: pre-divorce

Physically

• no refeeding symptoms (probably because of false recovery)
• no energy from lack of food
• felt light headed, weak, low concentration, etc

Emotionally/Mentally

• moods pretty low
• never truly happy
• gave up whenever it got tough

Social Events

• church dinners = absolutely freak out and could barely survive
• distracted, tired, dead at Awana
• never would recommend going to froyo/food for YG outing
• Dinner with Pilieci’s included skipping out on a lot of food, anxiety, panic, need to exercise

ED Thoughts/Behaviors

• always thinking of food, calories, etc
• lied to parents/Kim/whoever all the time about what I ate
• skipped meals all the time
• exercised all the time
• calories counting without trying
• weighed myself constantly

Recovery

• barely reaching out
• felt insanely disgusted with myself
• hated hated hated my body
• not committed to recovery
• hopeless about ever being recovered

Eating

• school: maybe 60% with Erin, 0-40% without
• home:
  • breakfast: throw out most of yogurt; not enough dairy, protein, grain
  • lunch: 60% of meal tops
  • dinner: 60% of meal tops
  • overall: not enough protein, dairy, or grains; no snacks

Other

• very, very limited food choices
• fear foods = mashed potatoes, roast, potatoes in general, milk and most dairy, cheese, anything greasy, bananas, rice, white bread, meat in general, etc
• felt unimportant/far away from God
• no trust whatsoever with parents

Now: post-divorce

Physically

• refeeding can be hard at times
• not great energy on bad days but much better on good ones
• not ever very dizzy, able to do things and not pass out

Emotionally/Mentally

• better moods, occasional depressive/anxiety thoughts
• experience true JOY
• try to push through the hard days

Social Events

• church dinners hard, not impossible
• excited for Awana to start again and feeling more confident
• recommended and looking forward to having froyo on our girl’s day
• Pilieci’s over = fun, fellowship, eating enough, NO ED ISSUES

Ed Thoughts/Behaviors

• Ed thoughts are still there but I have moments/days without
• for the most part eating a good amount = no need to lie
• do pretty well and at least attempt meals
• less exercise (partially due to foot injury)
• no calorie talk/thoughts
• haven’t weighed myself in a long time

Recovery

• learning to use support on bad days
• proud of how far I have come
• still don’t like body but more okay with it most of the time
• committed to recovery
• hopeful that i can recover one day

Eating

• school: plan on trying each meal and using supports if needed
  • ie TEXT KIM
• home:
  • about 80% of each meal
  • slightly lacking in protein and grain, dairy still hardest

Other

• slightly more food options
• same fear foods but have eaten a few
• relationship with God strengthening each day
• mom and dad trust me more