I just honestly don’t feel like doing one right now. Maybe next week or something. What  I DO want to talk about today is my current state.

Jenny said it in session today. I believe it. I’m spiraling downward, and pretty fast. There’s so much going on in my life (Grandpa doing poorly, school, family drama, parents so stressed out they can’t deal with me, etc) and I’ve resorted to a lack of caring about myself. I’m not eating enough. I’m eating even less than I was at some points this summer. I’m hiding everything from everyone. I’m not reaching out to support. I feel really hopeless.

Jenny told me that if I continue she will put me into Forest View. I was angry to hear that. I absolutely cannot go back there right now. If I don’t finish school my parents will kick me out. If I don’t go to Calvin next fall they will kick me out. Failure is not an option. Even if they didn’t have these views I still wouldn’t be willing to go to treatment in the middle of the semester. I am almost done. There’s no way.

I am terrified. I don’t know whether I should just lie and keep going until May or if this could give me a little motivation to do better. I don’t need this fear to add to everything else. I mean yeah I am a tiny bit afraid of getting even worse, but I’m way more afraid that someone is going to find out and/or do something about it.

Apologies for the negativity and if this doesn’t really make sense. It is how it is.