Lots happened this weekend and I’ve been way too busy/preoccupied with thoughts to make a really coherent post so here goes.
Women’s conference. Amazing doesn’t really begin to explain it but it was. It was just me and Kim which was nice too. The speakers both had gone through so much in their lives (PTSD, depression, anxiety, eating disorder, abuse, etc.) and I could really relate to it. Their stories were inspiring. I’m still processing so much of it but I know that hearing it will be nothing but good for my recovery. God did huge things in their lives despite everything and He can do it for me too. After the conference I talked with Kim and a counselor from the school she works at about my ED. It was hard to tell another person but I know its a good thing she knows. Kim can have someone to go to and also if I do go to the school next year someone already knows my story. We also chatted with the speakers and they had great advice and input to how I can overcome this. Kim and I are actually going to go through a book Shelly wrote together and I’m pretty excited to see how God works through that.
Lunch out with Kim. I was so nervous going into Saturday. Despite all the good the conference was, I knew that would mean eating out for lunch. We went to Applebee’s and I just shut down. I have such a hard time picking out food from a menu so I turned that over to Kim. She ordered an oriental chicken salad with fried (total freakout here!) chicken for us to share . When the plate got to our table I couldn’t even think but she ended up putting some on my plate for me since I don’t really know how to portion out food anymore. It started out so extremely hard to even try the chicken but somehow about the third bite my anxiety went away. I enjoyed the rest of the meal. Honestly I can’t remember enjoying a new food. Most memories of food in general are so muddled and lost anyways, so having that lunch as a positive experience is huge for me.
Snack after lunch. Kim asked me if I was still hungry on the way home because she was. I told her the truth that I was but Ed says it’s a good thing. We decided to stop at the mall and get blizzards from DQ. I ate the whole thing and I didn’t die from it. I didn’t gain ten pounds. That fact blows my mind.
Church/Sunday school. I really enjoyed church. The president of the bible college I am hopefully going to was there with a quartet of students as well. It was amazing to hear all of their experiences after being at the school the day before. Every time I hear more about that school it solidifies more how much I want to go there. Its small and everyone is close and Christian. Plus Mama Joyce and Kim work there. My parents aren’t really sold yet but I know that’s where I want to end up.
Youth group. We had another great activity last night. I showed the girls “Who you are a message to all women” which is a video by the anima series. Its such an inspiring clip about what it really means to be a daughter of God. There’s also one geared toward men that Rick showed the guys. For the activity part, we wrote “I am” on a paper then different statements about ourselves, both positive and negative. Then we shared 3 good and 3 bad with the group. After this we watched the video and then wrote more “I am” statements on the back that all had to be positive and agree with the message of the video. I think it really puts into perspective how God sees us and who we really are verses what we think of ourselves. The girls really liked this activity and I want to do more along the lines of this and the last one in the future too. I love planning all of these awesome things for them.
I’ve left out all the negative events that happened this weekend. Mostly it has to do with overwhelming Ed thoughts and way more restriction than normal. Also I downloaded some not so great apps I deleted last year that track calories/weight loss… I know that I need to change if I ever expect to have a future but it’s so so hard. I can’t do it for me right now. I can barely do it for others to be honest. This week I want to try and combine some different ideas like recovering for those who love me, taking it one meal at a time, distractions for meal time, holding myself accountable, thinking of Kim and Lily who are going through similar issues, and leaning on God. I want to have a better week. I’m sick of being stuck here.