While I was gone

My absence has not been the result of me doing too well to blog about my eating disorder. In reality, I admit I have basically ignored the work I need to put into recovery. I attended therapy every week and ate enough food; however, I was just going through the motions. I made little to no progress on my thought patterns. Summer was hard. I dealt with extreme stress at work, guilt/shame, isolated, barely did anything I love, etc. Returning to school has been a wakeup call. I’ve slipped into some old habits simply because I don’t do much to prevent it. Triggers are everywhere – diet talk, being in the same place that contributed to my downward spiral, feeling like I have no people here, isolation because of that, school stress, perfectionism in classes (last week I got a 97 on my bio test and beat myself up about it for a few days), fear of eating in the dining room. Fall at school hasn’t been good for my ED since I first started using behaviors. I want to do my best to prevent another season of hell.

Currently I feel that I’m sort of in this alone with little help. I see my therapist once every two weeks. Before this, I’d only gone two weeks without every once in a while (maybe every other month), so it’s been a huge adjustment. I would be slightly more stable and definitely more accountable if it was a weekly thing. I just get off track sometimes. I no longer see my dietitian or keep any sort of meal diary as of Julyish. I honestly have no desire to see her again, even if she was helpful. $45 a session is too much to go more than once a month. Health services has a new dietitian form the same company as my old one from school did. Slowly, I’ve warmed up to the idea of working with her. I tend not to trust many professionals who “deal with eating disorders” because I’ve encountered many who really don’t (case in point: therapist #2). But, I bit the bullet and emailed health services Thursday. I haven’t told my therapist (I see her Tuesday) and before she was worried it could be detrimental. I’ve spent time thinking and praying. Ultimately, I need to have a mealplan again. Maybe I’ll go a few months and then be back on track, but I am willing to put in the time and work. I am trying everything that could help this fall not be a repeat of last.

I have felt very, very alone in my ED struggles all summer and since being back in school. Honestly, since residential I just haven’t had a positive yet open outlet to express my feelings with those who understand. The one at school was so-so. On one hand, it helped me see I wasn”t alone, but all we did was small skill building activities. I never felt comfortable sharing how I was really doing. As much as I would like to try the ED group on campus, which has a different leader now, it won’t work with my schedule currently. Do I even want to, though? Instead I attend 2 different groups now. Forest View one (my gosh how weird it is to be back there so often now, in the same PHP room with the same cold hospital feel) is every other Monday night. I actually shared quite a bit this past week. I do enjoy the people, conversations, and leaders. This Tuesday was the first meeting for a 7 week ED women’s bible study at a church just a little down the road from campus. I was terrified to go. Like so many times I have worried myself sick, I loved it. I have never had something that ties my faith into recovery (at least not in this level). This is an opportunity to develop my relationship with Christ and use His strength for me to fight.

Other than the many issues I deal with in relation to my eating disorder, I have a ton on my plate of mental health and being. MIt has been a struggle. My depression has been unchanged for a long while. I went to my psych appointment and he upped a med. I’m not hopeful it will change a thing. I have little passion or energy for the things I love. Most days I will lay in my room from the second I’m out of class to when I go to bed. My SH thoughts have come back too. Added to my mental health issues I haven’t been able to sleep. Isolating occurs everyday I can’t remember when I’ve gotten more than 5 in recent weeks.It’s scary knowing that everything I am experiencing now could lead me down the sark pit.

The eating disorder cannot be my go-to for the rest of my life. None of my dreams could be accolmplished of that happens. I just hope and pray that I can make this happen.

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