TFHR 10/25/16

Today I’m bringing back my old favorite post series. I really enjoy the TFHR format because it updates many different aspects of how I’m doing/what’s going on/etc. I plan (hope) to do one either every week or every other week. For now, the goal is writing it Tuesday night (so it will be Weds-Tues on the post) which will really show up early Wednesday.

Thoughts

  • The semester is half over! I do like my classes for the most part, but I am ready for it to be done. The living situation is out of control. I really don’t want to go into it but I constantly feel the need to pull out my hair. Ugh.
  • I am not enough, a core belief that has been a catalyst to what now consumes my life. That phrase has come and gone over the years but right now is growing louder.
  • I cannot wait to be a nurse or even start core nursing classes! My passion for nursing only grows as learn more about how my life will be. There are options in all fields, and I specifically want to work peds or NICU. I know I will make a great nurse one day, but I want that day to be soon!
  • I have been in a cycle of ED thoughts. I go from urges/I am so fat to restriction to seeing my body as better  and finally back to the beginning. It is a ////////////vicious cycle which only ends in death. I work hard everyday to keep myself from getting any closer.

Feelings

  • Blessed. I have a wonderful church family, therapist, support people, and my mom. I try not to take these things for granted.
  • Lonely. I haven’t stepped out of my dorm room (other than eating, groups, driving places) really all semester. I know that ‘s bad, but I keep telling myself that isn’t true.
  • Relieved. My adviser appointment went wonderfully last week. I am right on track for nursing and will apply sometimes before January. She feels good about where I stand, and if I keep this up I am very likely making it in. I’m nervous and stressed sill. God is in control and I will do my very best.
  • Sad. In the sane appointment decided ti drop my rock-climbing course. I’ve only been a few times this semester. With my EDS flaring up and several subluxations, I know it would only hurt me. I love rock-climbing but also realize my limits (something I never would have acknowledged last year).
  • Anxiety/fear. A ton of things make this list, grades being one of them. The largest contributor now is Milo. I take him to the vet Friday. The only symptom that may be wrong is a little gunk in his eyes. I’m talking a tiny amount, kind of like we get randomly. In chinchillas this can be a sign of a really deadly disease, and of course I already expect the worst.

Happenings

  • Today was a really great ED bible study group. We went over truth v lies , which was applicable to other parts of your life as well. These women have been a godsend. I am finally being understood and that is amazing.
  • On Friday I see my dietitian for the first time. I need this more than ever. I’m praying that we can work out a way to get me back on track and (unfortunately/disappointingly) follow a meal plan. And I hope that meal plan is from CFD because I can’t handle emotional attachment.
  • Right now I’m on advising break! We have today and tomorrow off which is so nice. Somewhat sad they don’t just schedule it as a long weekend but oh well.
  • I have a car! My parents gave me my dad’s old car. It’s convenient because I can go to the store, support groups, drive home, etc
  • Speaking of driving home, I now do so every weekend and on Wednesday.
  • I am rewatching Private Practice and it’s making me all kinds of happy!
  • I got to meet my old childhood friend’s baby and he is the cutest squirmiest little nugget.
  • A happy anti-ED behavior: Mom and I have dollar tacos together on Fridays. We have the best Mexican place near our house and I pick them up when I drive home.
  • I’ve slowly shopped for more clothes, since I do need them. Definitely not an easy task, yet I know this will take me out of this way I feel about my body once i get better fitting clothes.
  • Work work work all the days of the weekend (not thattt long but still)

Ramblings

  • I am so freaking annoyed with election season!!! Okay the memes are pretty funny, but everything else makes me want to throw up. Politics aren’t something I enjoy to begin with, and having people spew their thoughts on social media (and argue with people) is the worst. The presidential election definitely takes the cake with how much it’s in the media. Local elections here are also ridiculous. There are campaign ads and stupid signs everywhere. We receive approximately 10 pieces of mail a week. I realize that we are given the right to vote in our country and I am voting for the first time because I honor that privilege. Currently just counting down the days until it’s all finished.
  • Not to be the old grandma who kills all the fun, but why to adult college girls get the idea that it’s okay to screech obnoxiously at all hours of the day? They are sadly worse than middle schoolers with the intensity, volume, and lack of maturity. College is meant to be fun; however, you are finally an adult and need to act like one.
  • My nutrition prof is so understanding and cares about my well-being. We have 3 diet analysis activities and he is allowing me to do other small projects instead. He is well receptive to my needs as someone in recovery. Profs like him make college much better for everyone.

And that’s all folks! This is a day late but not lacking much of what the last few weeks were like!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s